One Lady's Story.

"We forget that God has a way of making the most miserable thing beautiful." - Isa Elmazoski

Here's a link to her story... it's kind of a long video, but it's SO good.

You're My Beloved.

Do you ever think about God being the romantic type?

You should. It's completely true.

I was reading through Song of Songs over the last week or two, and the words I read were so powerful... and made every compliment I've heard seem so miniscule.

Chapter 4 is like the ultimate poem of all love poems.

"...beautiful beyond words.... altogether beautiful, my darling, beautiful in every way... your love delights me... my treasure, my bride..." and then in following chapters, "...my perfect one... I would still choose my dove, my perfect one... how pleasing, my love, how full of delights... "

I am my lover's and my lover is mine.

It's not that I didn't know my God loves me. Not that at all... but hearing these words was like hearing them for the first time. It opened my eyes and I felt like God was telling me, I love you as your Lord, as your Father, but also as a your groom... a more personal, intimate level.

We are re-made by the love of Christ. I don't know if people realize that, I don't know if I even fully grasp that. He speaks to our very soul, and soulful beauty comes before physical beauty. And it says in Ezekiel that He perfected our beauty, that we became a beautiful jewel and became HIS.

He is a jealous God. I know it, I know why. I heard "Beloved" by Tenth Avenue North and the lyrics, "Well you've been a mistress, my wife, chasing lovers that won't satisfy, won't you let me make you my bride?" I put so many things before Him. Without Him, we're nothing. Trade in all you are for all that He is.

PB Problems.

I love peanut butter.

Like a lot.

It's kind of a problem.

I skyped with my boyfriend tonight and told him my latest peanut butter creation, and we somehow got around to the point of saying "the first step is admitting it..." and wondered what the other 11 steps are.

Thank you, Google. Following is the 12-step program... which is quite hilarious with the "corrections".

1. Admit you are powerless over peanut butter - that your life has become unmanageable.

2. Believe that there is a higher power that can restore you to sanity.

3. Decide to turn your life and peanut butter addiction over to God.

4. Make a moral inventory of yourself.

5. Admit to God, yourself and someone else the nature of your problem.

6. Be ready for God to remove all defects of character.

7. Humbly ask Him to remove your shortcomings.

8. Make a list of all persons harmed due to your peanut butter addiction and be willing to make amends with them.

9. Make amends with said persons, unless it would harm them.

10. Continue to make a personal inventory and admit any wrongs.

11. Pray for knowledge and His will.

12. After your spiritual awakening, carry this message to other peanut butter-aholics and practice these principles throughout other affairs.

Maybe this is only funny to the two of us. But, that's okay... because laughing until you cry is needed sometimes.

Challenged.

I love challenges.

I am one of those weird people that likes to be challenged rather than sit back on the couch and watch. Challenges keep life interesting. They help you learn, and grow.

I need people to challenge me, especially in my walk.

If I could translate my walk into a picture, it wouldn't be a sunset; peaceful, beautiful (although, those are good components). It wouldn't be a barbed wire fence either, I mean... I don't want it to be torture. I picture an escalator... always moving upward. Growing, moving, drawing closer to Him.

I've found there are things I thought I knew, when I really didn't. I thought I knew joy before this summer, but I experienced (or experiencing...) it on a whole new level. I thought I knew what it mean to trust the Lord, to walk into the unknown, to lay everything at His feet... I didn't. It's a new world. It's a struggle. But, there is still peace amidst it all.

I read Ecclesiastes this morning, and my verse of the week comes from chapter three.

"Yet God has made everything beautiful for it's own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end."

With eternity in mind, our time here should be nothing short of intentional. I don't want to look back and think my life, or parts of it, were meaningless. I can only trust Him with the future and do His work right now.

I am constantly reminded of Psalm 9:10... He has never failed me or forsaken me, so why would He start now? I may struggle, but His power is shown through my weakness. And, one of my new favorite quotes: a woman of the Lord is anything but weak.

I hope you not only challenge me, but yourself and others around you. Get out of your comfort zone.

Let it Go.

My small group and I are memorizing, or meditating on, a verse a week.

This week, my verse is Proverbs 20:24,

"The Lord directs our steps, so why try to understand everything along the way?"

I am guilty of the last part too often. I want to know why, I want to know when, how, where. I am a planner person, I make sticky-note lists daily, consult my planner and pencil stuff in all the time. I don't do well with spontaneity - unless in small doses.

I don't consider God spontaneous. He's got a nice, big planner for me upstairs I'm sure. Probably the type that has a line for each hour of the day, lots of writing room. Artsy cover, for sure. And little ol' me wants to grab the pen and write something in, or just steal the book, run and hide in my room and read it.

Too bad I'm a slow runner.

Good thing God has never failed me.

Says so in Psalm 9:10, "Those who know Your name trust in You, for You, O Lord, do not abandon those who search for You."

It's hard sometimes letting go, even when it's so easy to trust Him.

Today's Letter.

Dear Ellie,

(aka: bffer, CLL, woman, best friend, other half)

You are leaving on a jet plane tomorrow. Going on a grand adventure... one more grand than many can imagine. It is sure to be a trying and learning yet amazing time while you are abroad. Many emotions arise when I think about you being overseas. Envious that you get to go to Europe, the desire for me to join you, and sadly... the pain of how much I already miss you. I'm thinking I may delete BBM because it is pointless without my favorite BBM'er. I will miss our incessant texting and sarcasm, with a few drops of sisterly love. I have already started my pile/stack of letters and notes to mail you at some point. Lately, I've realized that everyday is a new adventure that God takes us on, and when you look back, you see that everyday added up to one big adventure. I hope you look back at your time abroad you will see how God worked in your life and how your experiences and learnings shaped you. I already miss you dearly, and already foresee many skype dates, even if I have to lose sleep over it. You are such a big part of my life, and just because you're going overseas better not mean that is about to change.

Love love love you.

Uncertainty Leads to Faith.

Some people have a life verse. I don't know if I truly have one... I have some major favorite ones. Some that I use for different circumstances. I just love the Word. But, if I did have a "life verse".. this would be it:

"Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen, if gives us assurance about things we cannot see." - Hebrews 11:1.

It was the first verse I underlined in my Bible when I came to college. I was in the Cross Hall lobby at Angela's Bible study... we were supposed to be looking somewhere else, and I was flipping through and my eyes landed on that verse. That little tidbit is beside the point though.

I feel like for the first time, I'm living it out. Breathing it in. Embracing it.

I feel lost, surreal, maybe even purpose-less.

I'm not leading a Bible study, I don't have a "ministry" I guess you could say is how I feel. I feel as though many of the people I love dearly are far away from me, or soon will be. Relationships are different this year. There are so many things that I'm uncertain about, that I'm just crossing my fingers about and taking one step at a time.

That's what faith is about. Being uncertain and moving forward, trusting the One who does know. When we believe that God will fulfill His promises even though we don't see those promises materializing yet, we demonstrate true faith.

Today's church service was... unconventional, different, amazing. A huge part was talking about a change of heart, of spirit. That's me. I've changed. From two three years ago, a year ago, three months ago. Right now, I'm not sure what the next step is in this change. There's a lot of change in my life right now. If last September you would've told me I was going to live by myself, have a boyfriend halfway across the country and not lead a Bible study (which is funny, because I never expected to lead one in the first place)... I would've laughed.

It's about faith. Stepping out to the unknown and hoping, trusting He will not let me fall face first on the concrete.

Love Songs.

There are few things that cut me to the core; the Word, intense storms, brilliant sunsets, and amazing lyrics. Three of those I can get almost daily. The last one, I have three songs that have been running through my mind and been on iTunes repeat lately.

Hanging On by Britt Nicole: "You see my anxious heart, You see what I am feeling, and when I fall apart, You are there to hold me. How great Your love for me. . . Your voice is my healing. I'm hanging onto every word You speak 'cause it's all that I need." I heard this song off and on for a few weeks on the radio, and when I finally added it to my own library the other day... I can't stop listening. I listened to it on repeat earlier tonight about five times in a row. Such powerful words that comfort and remind me of the Truth.

More Like Falling in Love by Jason Gray: "I need a Truth that lives, moves and breathes... to sweep me off my feet, it's gotta be more like falling in love. It was love that made me a believer in more than a name, a faith, a creed, falling in love with Jesus brought the change in me." I grew up in the church, and honestly before college... church/God/religion didn't do much for me. It IS so much more than a religion, an obligation. It's a relationship, it's falling in love with someone who WILL change your life... more than any husband can ever even imagine. His Word is life.

Your Love is a Song by Switchfoot: "Your love is a symphony, all around me, running through me. Your love is a melody, underneath me, running to me." This song reminded me of the verse in Romans that says nothing can separate us from God. Nothing. Not even Satan. He is constantly chasing me with His love, when I'm being stubborn, when I'm hurting, when I'm oblivious. But, when I turn around... it's right there to consume me. And it's the sweetest thing there is... nothing sweeter than the love of Jesus.

Combine these three things into one thought:

I love falling in love with Jesus, His love brings so much life and He IS all I need.

Today's Letter.

In light of a friend's blog, and reading this site... I'm writing this blog with a new style.

Dear Boyfriend,

You are too sweet, and always have been.

It's crazy the places God takes you in life, and I feel like this is the beginning of a new adventure.

The countless text pictures of sunsets and clouds, and scripture you've sent me... never fails to make me smile.

I love the ways in which we compliment each other - your ability to cook/my inability, my tendency to complain/yours to be more positive ... and our shared love of ice.

I have to admit, I much prefer in-person over skype.

You make me lean closer to God.

You're stinking awesome.

The autograph is legit.

I love my necklace.

- me.

Old Faithful.

It has been one of those weeks. One of those where everything and nothing seems to go wrong.

The things that went bad were merely blessings anyway. I never experienced them, so it's as if nothing was taken away. Or, if I have, I have forgotten to see the brighter side to them. It was a week of chaos and bliss all in one. It was a week of Satan attacking me, and me remembering our God is stronger. It was during this week I realized how vital it is to know His word, and to cling to it.

Last night, at our leadership retreat we talked about "doulous" - a slave, bond servant, one who is in a permanent relation of servitude to another, his will altogether consumed in the will of another.

We are servants of God. First of all, He doesn't even need us - He chooses to use us. That's a humbling thought in itself.

In our little group last night, our talk led to us thinking about slavery. Slavery was a big part of history, and it's not a hidden fact that some masters did not care for or take care of their slaves.

That is quite the opposite with God. He is the greatest Master. He doesn't say, follow me... I might give you something here and there. He doesn't say, follow me... maybe there's a prize at the end. He says, follow me... I will take care of you. I will bless you. I will protect and guide you.

He never said it would be easy (as cliche as that sounds). He didn't say it would be a piece of cake. But, He's always there. He never forsakes us, even in our weakness. And praise God for that! I look back at the last week and see some struggles, some fears, and a lot of me still trying to hold on or control the wheel. I'm stubborn, sometimes it takes more than once to get me to do something - like let go.

"But the Lord is faithful; he will strengthen you and guard you from the evil one." - 2 Thessalonians 3:3

And I got my heart set on what happens next.

With the exception of three days, I have been in my apartment for two weeks now. My humble abode, that sadly, still doesn't feel completely mine. Now everything really is hung up and put away, but it's still lacking the feeling of completeness.

My first meal when I got back was a turkey and ketchup sandwich. Yes, you read that correctly. It was that for a few reasons: a) I was too tired and lazy to cook, b) after eating dining hall all summer, I wanted something non-greasy, non-fatty, and c) I lived on turkey sandwiches last spring and I really wanted one after a three-month break.

One morning, I cleaned out and filled the dishwasher, washed what didn't go in the washer, and wiped off the counter. I took a step back and thought, "wow... this is what it feels like to live on your own." In the words of Carrie Underwood, the bills on the counter remind me I'm on my own. Along with buying groceries and miscellaneous items, cleaning up after meals... really makes it set in. This place is mine. I control everything. For two years, I lived in half a room with a plethora of storage tubs and containers. Now, I have to find things to fill the cabinets.

My dad was here for the weekend, and he sadly pointed out that my AC was not on auto, but just "on"... meaning the fan has been running constantly for 2 weeks. I'm sure the electric bill will be quite lovely. I wonder if having one less lightbulb in the living room for those two weeks will have made any difference? Speaking of efficiency, I take out a lot of trash. I'm hoping that changes now that I'm done unpacking and buying random supplies, because for some reason I dread the trek to the dumpster.

Soon, I will not be sitting in here day in and day out, getting miscellaneous to-do things done. I will be rushing from here to campus, to the BSM, to the store to grab something before I start on amass of homework.

I have a lot of hope for this semester. I already see skype video chats happening every week, the nights of chip and salsa splurging with my friends, the sleepovers, and amidst all these fun memories I'm sure there will be times when I cry because I miss friends, or it's been a bad day and I have no one to come home to and vent.

I was listening to Switchfoot the other day, and thought these lyrics described things very similar to my life:

"I've got my memories

Always inside of me
But I can't go back
Back to how it was...

Yeah, this is home
I've been searching
For a place of my own
Now I've found it
Maybe this is home

I got a brand new mindset
I can finally see
The sunset (right over taco bell....)
I'm gonna call it home."

#91.

I've done a fair share of Walk for Diabetes walks. Do I remember any of them? No, or if I do, it's vague. That's why I put this on my 101 list!

This morning, I checked off #91 - Do Walk for Diabetes.

Meet Team Fruitcake!

and my dad. :) who also participated.

It was kind of sweet, being able to actually participate and remember this... with sweet friends, and my dad, who's been there through it all. We've had our fair share of fights about what I can and cannot eat, needing better control, etc. But, he told me how at the previous walks he pushed me in a stroller or pulled me in a wagon. So precious.

The people called all type 1 diabetic kids up to the front for a picture. While my friend and I stood up there, some little kids stood in front of me. And, I thought... oh they are so cuuuuute! Then it hit me, that was me. I was that little, if not smaller.

It just broke my heart, and then I just wanted to keep in touch with their mommies for all the tough roads ahead. When the school doesn't want to give snacks but they actually have to by law, when the mean sports coach doesn't understand you have to SIT when you're low, how to handle those crazy high school all day events, and sending them off to college. I just want to tell them it'll be alright, that this is a blessing in disguise. That there's hope.

My dad made a joke on the way over to the walk, because both my sister and I have some health issues, he said, "yes, you've both been 'touched' by God." True that. :)

Treasured Delight.

“Submit to God, and you will have peace; then things will go well for you. Listen to his instructions, and store them in your heart. If you return to the Almighty, you will be restored—so clean up your life.

If you give up your lust for money and throw your precious gold into the river,
the Almighty himself will be your treasure. He will be your precious silver!

Then you will take delight in the Almighty and look up to God. You will pray to him, and he will hear you, and you will fulfill your vows to him. You will succeed in whatever you choose to do, and light will shine on the road ahead of you." - Job 22:21-28

"But he knows where I am going. And when he tests me, I will come out as pure as gold. For I have stayed on God’s paths; I have followed his ways and not turned aside. I have not departed from his commands, but have treasured his words more than daily food." - Job 23:10-12

I read these two passages last night, multiple times. God's Word never fails to fill and refresh me, or even convict me.

The very first line made me smile, but also made me think about and realize something. Submitting to God does bring peace. An amazing peace, one that surpasses everything. The part about things going well is hard to embrace. Sometimes what God has best for us requires change or trials to get there, so things may not be going "well" at all times. It depends on your perspective and state of mind.

How amazing it is that HE will be our treasure. But, how often do I try and make something or someone else my greatest treasure? Nothing else compares, and I forget that all too often. Is He my greatest delight? Have I or do I treasure His word more than anything else, even something as basic as food?

Something to think about.

101 Update.

Last two weeks have been crazy busy, but I did manage to check two things off my list!

#55 -- Do a photo shoot for someone.

These two guys were co-summer staffers, and amazing musicians. They both lead worship at their home churches, and actually got asked to lead worship for a youth retreat here in Amarillo! It's pretty cool the things God pulls together! Check them out on Facebook: Stillwater Worship!

#7 -- Cook something I've never cooked before.

Thanks to my boyfriend, I cooked something new. It was legitimate cooking! When I bought my huge bundle of groceries when I got back, most everything was "cook for 20 minutes" or stick in the microwave. Nothing I got would require cutting or more ingredients. But, Aaron and I cooked this (and this for dessert):

So good! :) ... minus the basil sauce or whatever that green stuff is. GROSS. Don't try it.

Surreality.

I'm home.

That statement is true in itself, but it doesn't feel true - yet.

I haven't been back in Texas for a whole week yet. It's been kind of a rough transition back to real life. Which, I totally wasn't expecting. I knew I'd miss people and whatnot, but not this.

My world feels surreal. I feel like I will wake up, walk out of my apartment and be outside of t-bird. I feel like when I walk downstairs I will see all of summer staff bumming around. I've never felt something so surreal, besides maybe when I was in Europe. So, yes, I do feel like I'm in a foreign country.

Change is good. I usually like change. Change keeps me on my toes, it stretches me. But, I not only went from the wonderful land of Glorieta to Texas, but from dorm to apartment... community to isolation. Granted, I enjoy isolation most of the time (about as much as I also love community).

But, isolation isn't the best when adjusting. I went from 100 to 1 in four hours. First full day on my own, I was so lost at lunch I just paced in my kitchen.

I'm learning what it means to be at home in Him. Home is not with certain people or at a certain place, it is Him and wherever He leads me. He led me to Glorieta for a few months, but He has me here for a reason... I'm excited and anxious for what He has planned in the coming months. :)

Million-Dollar Summer.

How do I put to words the story of my summer? How do I describe everything in a way that people might get a little insight?

The blog I wrote right before I came here stated that I was ready, I was excited, and I wanted a break. Even though I was "ready"... I had no idea what God was about to do in my life. And, I definitely got a break. A break that was refreshing, reviving, refilling, renewing... and not to mention, fun.

It was fun
...going to Olive Garden with my front desk girls.
...hanging out with homeless people on the square.
...eating sushi for the first time.
...hiking to Pulpit Point (and missing it).
...going to a crazy church with a huge group.
...going to the Abq zoo.
...horseback riding through the mountains.
...going to an Iron Maiden (who?) concert.
...playing rock band at Aaron's.
...seeing the O'Keefe museum with Kelli.
...being in the variety show (against my will).
...eating Coldstone on my diabetic birthday.
...watching fireworks in Abq with sweet friends.
...dressing like a cowgirl for Western Night.
...seeing an amazing view of Glorieta/Pecos with Rod.
...going to the opera with Aaron.
...having staff Christmas in July.
...sucking at atomic bowling with the girls for Hummer's birthday.
...seeing Hillsong in concert with my faves.
...having a girls' night in Santa Fe (dancing in the plaza).
...watching the sunset over the valley/Santa Fe.

These precious memories are just a few. There's so many more little things... each day held something new. A new memory, a new joke.

This week was Collegiate Week. 1,800 college students who are crazy about Jesus were on campus. Despite their incessant need to walk in the middle of the road, seeing a huge community of believers was just encouraging. Last year at Collegiate Week, God got my attention. I came here a little lost, with a lot of hurt and frustration... thinking I could get myself back on track.

But, I can't. It took me awhile to fully realize that. This last year has been an adventure. God has taught me and stretched me so much, especially this summer. There's a lot of things He taught me and ways that I grew, but a few that stick out:

I feel like I found myself. My identity is in Him. I don't want or need to fit in with society, or what people think I should be. I don't need the approval of people, my aim should not be to please them. It's been a rough couple of years, in all honesty. And this summer, I found joy... I thought I knew it before - I didn't.

He's taught me a lot about love and people. Love is an action, not a feeling. We love because He loved us, we love because we are called to love. Being out here in the beautiful mountains, made me realize how beautiful our God is... His beauty is reflected into Creation and into us. Love people because they are His children and He made each of us beautiful and unique, each for a purpose. Being a part of this family of believers for three months, day in and day out, realizing how different we all are was at times annoying or frustrating, but God really opened my eyes seeing the beauty in it.

God has shown me how strong He is, how He fights every battle. God has never failed, He has never let me fall. There's an overwhelming peace knowing that not only am I not alone in my battles, but that He comes to my rescue.

I am not ready to leave Glorieta.
Maybe I'm just in denial of returning to reality.
Maybe I just hate the fact that some of these people I will never see again.
I love this place, what it's all about and what's happened here over the last three months.

This summer, I became so aware of God... so aware of Him working, so aware of what He was teaching, so aware of His presence. I don't want to lose that when I go home. I should've already been aware, I don't know why I had to come out here for that... maybe that's why I needed this break so bad, with so few distractions.

I know when I go home, there are things that will change. There are "old" parts of me that I don't want to come back. My hope for the whole summer staff and myself, is that we would remember what God has taught us this summer and what He's done in our lives and cling to that. Don't let the changes be temporary.

I saw thousands of lives surrendered to Christ.
I made hundreds of memories.
I have an amazing Glorieta family.
I serve an indescribably incredible God.

This has definitely been a million-dollar summer.

Potatoes.

So, I'm not a cook, in the slightest bit.

Nor do I have a significant amount of knowledge about anything IN the kitchen.

The dining hall serves baby potatoes probably once or twice a week.

I didn't know there was such a thing as "baby potatoes"...

And, word vomit happened.

"I've always wondered how they make these potatoes into little balls."

What?

Yeah. I said it. I realize potatoes are grown.

Cut me some slack, it's been a long day.

Thought.

Everything in the Bible points to Christ,

but does everything about you point to Christ?

Beauty in the Breaking.

This last week hasn't been the greatest.
This last week has been awesome.

Both statements are true completely. I'm not sure how that happens simultaneously.

Due to lack of blood sugar control, I got a UTI. I've been having to check about 8x a day now, so that my doctor can figure out what to change. Three days later, I start getting sick. Yesterday, I didn't have a voice. Saturday night/Sunday I was congested, earache, etc. Though, thankfully to lots of sleep and medicine (and prayer) I am feeling a lot better today.

But, during all this, I had a lot of good things happen. Like, I got to hear John Macarthur speak. And, I got to see Lecrae in concert - for FREE. My parents and grandparents came into town for a few days... so that included: phase 10, ice cream, Bobcat Bite, Tucanos, Olive Garden, Sandia Peak, and the (lame) Balloon Museum. I also got my t-shirt quilt (late birthday present)! And, a bunch of us summer staff girls went to Texas Roadhouse and atomic bowling to celebrate a birthday. I also got to eat Pei Wei and see Hillsong (neither for free, but still awesome).

Life has it's ups and downs, it's inevitable. I know life is not perfect, therefore I know at some point something else will go wrong (also the pessimist inside me). But, there's something that God has taught me this summer... and that's this: whatever is currently going wrong, is really not that bad... and I have a hope that surpasses everything else. Him.

I was watching a storm roll in and through town the other day, and I have to add... the clouds/sky here in New Mexico is simply beautiful. But while I was watching, I just felt like God was telling me, "You see how beautiful this storm is? There's beauty in your storms too, not just after... but during."

The pain that comes with the storm draws me closer to Him.
I draw closer to Him, and He continues to transform me.
He breaks down the things that are not of Him.

Sometimes we don't realize, and too often forget...

there is beauty in the breaking.

Boundless #18.

Romans 12 has some good stuff in it. A lot of the Bible tells us how we should live as a follower of Christ. This section tells us how to live within a community.

Two lines stuck out to me in this passage. "Do things in such a way that everyone can see you're honorable. Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone."

Everyone.

Everyone watches. What I do, day in and day out, should be honoring to God. The people I work with, my friends, my family, customers, people on Facebook... they all notice. But, my actions should not be honoring to God just to impress or please people, but because He has changed and transformed me.

Living in peace with everyone is easier said than done. Even though we are called to love everyone, regardless of what they've done or who they are, our human nature sometimes takes over. I know personally, I don't always show love - especially to those that I don't necessarily get along with.

Community is stronger when we keep each other accountable, and when we live in harmony. I constantly have to remind myself that we are all a part of the body of Christ. Today's challenge was to read the Roman's passage and also think about the phrase "vis à vis" in relation to God's bigger picture. Vis à vis means "with regard to"... and in regard to His bigger picture, I am a minor detail. I'm an artist, I know how important details are, they make the picture beautiful. We are details in God's masterpiece, each of us individually beautiful and adding our own part.

Boundless #17.

Fasting is something I've done... but not a lot of it. And, I never knew in-depth information before I read this article.

I've done the whole give-something-up-for-Lent thing numerous times. Chocolate, pop, cussing, sweets, etc. This past lent I said no Facebook before breakfast or after dinner. Yes, I had to say before breakfast, it was sad. The before-breakfast part was more to break my addiction. The after-dinner part was to spend more time digging in the Word.

One week this summer, I gave up Facebook. I wanted a week away from distractions, just to kind if disconnect. It was good, refreshing. Too often in this world, especially in my life, we get way too "busy" and are always connected to our phone/e-mail/Facebook... sometimes I feel like I don't have the chance to "be still" before God.

Our challenge today was to fast from something (it had a few suggestions, and one was chewing gum... which I found very odd)... and I'm not sure what I'm going to give up yet. I could give up Facebook, but I'm going to be super busy all weekend ANYWAYS and won't be around a computer, so that's kind of cheating. My phone I need because I have several "plans" and I need to communicate. Maybe I'll just use my phone as little as possible? And try not to get on Facebook the little time I will have. Or, maybe I'll just do it next week, since this weekend is kind of chaotic.

The chaotic and noisiness of our lives reminds me of how some of my friends and I were talking about a nearby monastery last week. How different would it be to live in complete silence? To not be able to talk? Drives me nuts sitting in class for three hours having to be quiet for a majority of the time. But, the monks have solitude... peace... stillness. Sometimes life is so exhausting, I that's what I need. Be a monk for a week. (Okay, or not.)

Even if you're not doing this challenge, I encourage you to fast from or take a break from something in your life.... especially if it's something you think you can't live without, because it means you probably need to break away from it.

Boundless #15.

I really enjoyed today's reading, because I think it's something a lot of people (myself included) struggle with... and sometimes don't realize it.

I heard a sermon several months ago and there's one line that has stuck with me: "We are bad people by nature. We are not good people who occasionally do bad things, we are bad people who occasionally do good things."

The first part of the article today talked about whether or not we can know what's good without knowing God. He said that people often suppress what we know about right and wrong - we may know the truth, and have the desire to know the truth... but that's not the only desire at work in us. Sadly, I think this statement is very true, especially for people my age. Most people my age are about having fun and living in the moment, they don't want to "follow rules" and serve others.

The second part of the article was about whether or not we can do what's good without following God. Last week I heard a sermon, and the preacher said "People who aren't Christians can do good things." Which, when I heard that I was like ... well, duh. Just because you're not a Christian doesn't mean you're a bad person. I don't go around thinking non-Christians are horrible, horrible people.

Back to the article... Our decency is scum compared to God. We are naturally bad people, remember? We can't go ten minutes without being selfish, without resentment, without lust. I am so broken, nothing I do will be able to fix myself. "Many philosophies and religions teach about right and wrong with pretty fair accuracy. What they can't do is heal the sin-sickness. Our cancer requires more than a doctrine. What it requires is a divine surgeon, God Himself, and the name of His surgery is Jesus Christ."

Many people struggle with pride. We all need a dose of humility. No one person has something to boast about themselves, it's all His doing - His mercy, grace and power are what heals us.

Boundless #14.

Psalm 139:13-16 -- "For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from You when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, Your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be."

Abortion is not a topic that I know a lot about, or even think about that much. Our challenge today was to read around this site, and give six reasons why we should be concerned about preserving life. I read one of the posts someone put, and liked her answers:

1) Unborn babies are smaller than us, but so are 4-year olds...

2) Unborn babies need time to develop, but does that make them less human?

3) Where does we are located make us less worthy of life?

4) Unborn babies and recently born babies are dependent on people and things, but so are people in hospitals, people on pacemakers, etc.

5) An embryo contains all the genetic information for the unborn child, thus proving life begins at conception.

6) Life needs to be valued for it's own sake and not convenience sake.

I can't imagine the stress of an unexpected pregnancy, but I think... if you do the crime you pay the time. There's always adoption. I'm not going to exile someone if they make the choice of abortion, but I will in no way condone it.

Lost and Love.

Usually when a friend has a birthday, it brings fun. Eating out, bowling, movies, dancing, roller-skating - who knows what they pick.

But, today's a birthday that doesn't bring much celebration. Drew would've turned 20 today. Five and half years ago though, he passed away in a car accident. He literally was one of my very first friends. We knew each other from when we were toddlers. We lost communication for awhile until we got old enough to use MSN Messenger (yeah, old school.) and we did see each other a few times whenever I went up to my grandparents.

I think that's why I love friends so much. I've lost a few, that were special to me in their own way. Not just out of the ordinary friends. Which, when I think about it - I'm pretty sure all of my friends each have their own special place. I have friends from years and years ago, and friends I've known for less than a year.

Take, Ellie, for instance.


Girl has class. Or, was it sass? Or both? ... Both.

I've known this girl since we were eight. That is 12 years. Granted, we didn't become close until about four or five years ago. But, we put up with a lot from each other. Rants, complaining, lack of important details, long periods of time in-between pen pal letters, lack of sympathy. Yet, somehow we have a stronger bond than peanut butter and jelly.

I love when I expect a message about something funny/traumatic that happened, but I get "Love you!" randomly.

I love that no matter what I throw at her, she always has advice to give me and can pick me up off my feet.

I love (or hate) when she puts me in my place, because she knows I need it.

She lives hours and hours and thousands of miles away from me, but yet knows close to every detail in my life. It's like we're a tracking monitor to each other... "going to work," "going to wal-mart," etc.

I love that at the end of the day when I'm about to break down, I can just let it all out and she listens.


CLL. <3


This blog may have been slightly bi-polar in subjects. But, there are days like today that even though it saddens me to remember a lost friend... it reminds me of how much I love all my friends and all their quirks.

Boundless #13.

I am aware of the various problems happening around our world. I am not fully aware, or know every detail - but I know there are problems. Am I as concerned about them as I should be? Probably not. Do I know as much as I should? No.

But this article points out something that I agree with completely. We have our own problems. There are too many teenagers (or people in general) on drugs, having abortions, getting drunk, etc. We live in a fallen world, a fallen nation.

"The question is not how to keep kids from getting drugs, but why do they want to use them?" The teenagers interviewed said that life was "boring" without them. They wanted adventure. They wanted something worth living for... a significance. I've been there, done that. It fails miserably. "...His cause will satisfy our deepest longings for a life with thrilling significance."

I loved when the article talked about it doesn't matter what 'constellation of goals' we have, if God isn't the pole star. Just like Paul, the source and goal of his cause was God. I read this and wonder if that's true for my life. Because of this in Paul's life, he didn't care about any earthly gain and he had incredible discipline - both things that should be in apparent in my life, and both things that I desire.

My heart breaks for the people who crave these temporary fixes and thrills. They could be "involved with a cause with an eternal significance." A relationship with Christ is an adventure, it is thrilling, and satisfying. "...give your bodies to God because of all He has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice - the kind He will find acceptable. ... let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think." A relationship with Him is completely different than just being "Christian" or "religious"... He changes you and molds you into His image. There is no easy button for living in His light and being transformed.

Boundless #12.

Today's challenge was an interesting one. We read two (here and here) articles about the church, and were to think about either joining a church, or becoming more involved in the church.

Growing up, I didn't fully enjoy church. Let's be honest - I hated it. My first church, I enjoyed... but I only went there until 2nd grade so that consisted of children's church. Changed churches. After that, I didn't like my sunday school or church. When I reached junior high, I finally started liking youth group. Then, we changed churches again. I liked church a little better, and fell in love with my sunday school and youth group. Changed again my senior year, and loved my youth group.

My first year of college I church-jumped, the little I went to church. But, now I am an official member of Hillside Christian Church. I love it there. I don't just get spiritually fed, I get stuffed. But, the part of the challenge that says "to get more involved" is ... challenging. As a college student, it's hard to have time to volunteer at the church to help with this and that, let alone even go to sunday school or college night. Part of the problem is, is I don't like going to these by myself - and I can't usually find anyone to go with to either events.

The first article talked about how WE are to reach our own generation. This last year I counted my BSM activities almost a substitute for sunday school and college night. I had Bible study, leadership lunch, free lunch, international lunch, worship and late night, prayer retreats, etc. Am I just in saying that? I don't know. I'm reaching people on my campus, which is my generation. And we are to "be the church"... but I'm not sure if my substitution just means I'm being lazy? It's not that I don't want to contribute to the church - and I know the article said that church shouldn't be worked around our schedule, but church should be the focus - but I don't really have time.

God doesn't need me. But I need the church. And I want "my passions to be Jesus' passions."

"The first Christian churches were characterized by intense community, selfless giving and overflowing love." I don't see this very much in the church, or in us. Maybe one of those more than the other, but in reality, all three should be there.

The Best Friend.

I have loved this Beth Moore study I've been doing this summer. Some days were okay, but the last week or two have just really hit home.

"You and I have a 'friend who sticks closer than a brother' (Prov 18:24) for 'Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends' (John 15:13). No matter what happens, no matter who rejects you or humiliates you, He will never betray you. Stay faithful, believer. You are on the winning team."

This study was another reminder of not just how this "walk" is not easy, but that in those hard times... He is faithful. He never leaves. No matter where I go, He is still with me. He is the God who provides all things.

"even if the ones I love turn around and crucify me.. I won't fall as long as You're around me."

Boundless #10.

I've had a lot mentors over the years.

My sister and grandma I consider two of the biggest (or longest). They gave a lot of advice throughout junior high and high school, even some in college.

I definitely have some good friends who I also consider spiritual mentors. I think of these mentors and it just makes me think of my "community" back home (as in, at college). The article we read today made me realize that most of the time, I do think of myself as not being capable enough to be a mentor. Though, I do know there are people I could be a mentor too... but it's hard to just start doing so.

I need to/am going to start praying for God to show me people that I can mentor, and how to mentor... what to do. A part of community is building each other up, feeding each other. The mentors I have, have been so valuable and special in my life... they were the ones who reminded me of the hope and trust I have in Christ even through the really hard times. They were the ones who encouraged me to dig into the Word, and stay there.

Boundless #9.

This was quite possibly the easiest challenge yet. A friend of mine and I were talking about today's challenge and what we were thinking about doing.

A random act of kindness. Rather easy, right? But, we don't have a lawn to mow. We discussed the idea of buying someone's food in line behind us (which I've wanted to do for quite some time now), but then thought about the fact that they could've possibly just spent $40 buying food and drinks for the kids playing little league down the road. Baking something isn't a good option when kitchen access is limited, and I'm a horrible cook anyways.

So, we go to my car to start a photo adventure. And before I even open my door all the way, I hear a little voice (literally), say, "Is that your car?" About six thoughts went through my head instantly: is she talking to me? did I go the wrong car? why is she talking to me? is she just going to say she has the same one? did someone rear end me? what is she going to say next? I replied, "...yes." And then the next question,

"Could you possibly give me a ride to Chaparral?"

I froze. I don't know why, I mean, it was a little old lady. Not some sketchy man. More thoughts went through my head: I'm about to go take pictures! Why doesn't she just walk there? This is going to be awkward. Do I have to?

It was then that I realized how selfish all of those thoughts were, and I felt like God kind of slapped me and said, "Are you really going to not give this lady a ride 300 feet? Is it really that big of a deal?" Which then caused the words, "oh yeah, no problem!" to come out of my mouth.

She asked if we worked here, where we worked, where we were from, and thanked us multiple times for the ride. It really only did take all of two minutes. It was so sweet though, when she asked my name and then said, "well Jessica, I pray the Lord blesses you for being a blessing in my life today."

Wow.

Boundless #8.

Today, we were to meditate on Romans and think about how this shaped our view of community.

The first verse that says, "Don't think you are better than you really are," made me really think. If anything, I think of myself less than I probably should. I mean, most girls do? The verse that got me was when it talked about being honest in our evaluations, and measuring by God and not to other people.

Guilty. I compare myself, in a positive and negative way. Spiritually, and in other ways. It's something I've struggled with for a really long time. But this passage reminded me how God has chosen us each for something, set us apart. We each have a gift, a reason, a way God is using us.

This passage just opened my eyes to see how community should work together more. We each have something, some way to help each other, build each other up, to grow as a community.

Boundless #7.

I love my grandma. She means the world to me. Our seventh task was to talk to an elderly person about relationships and whatnot. I talk to my grandma every week, so today when I called her, I told her about this challenge and then we got to talking about the subject.

She said that dating now and back then is so different. Back then, relationships were a lot more committed (as in, not just casual dating and dating around). Which, I thought was more Biblical than how most people date nowadays. I don't believe that "guarding your heart" aligns with dating a different guy every week, or every month. I read something the other day that talked about dating, and whether or not you should only date someone you think you will marry. The author said that that's not the idea of dating, but you shouldn't date someone you can't picture marrying. The purpose of dating is getting to know one another, and seeing if finding if it's God's will to be together.

My grandma also said that morals were a lot higher, to which I laughed, because it's sadly true. A sermon I heard about a week or two ago said, "No one wants to hear about your God if you can't keep your pants on." SO TRUE. Morals/actions should be honorable to God and reflect your faith.

I don't completely agree with how people date nowadays. I mean, to each their own... but I think it's kind of sad what dating has come to now. I guess call me old-fashioned?

Boundless #6.

Today's reading was over "settling"... We were to read this article, and write down the qualities our spouse should have. I know that my husband will not be 100% complete and perfected in these qualities, as no one can be perfect.

My favorite part of the article was when she said, "Failing to meet our worldly expectations - our romantic shopping list - is no liability if he meets Biblical ones." God's really been showing me this summer how the things of this world, and even people, do not compare to Him. Anything of/from Him is far better. And though this is not the first time I've talked about Godly qualities in a guy, it didn't sink in until just now that the Godly qualities outweigh any worldly expectations we may have.

I want a man of God. Which, according to God's Word, means he would be "full of spirit and wisdom, faithful, be full of self-control, reputable, gentle, blameless, hospitable, holy and disciplined."

Boundless #5.

So today's Boundless challenge was to call a friend (which, I cheated, because I've been working all day and have a full night ahead of me) and ask how I could be a better friend to them, and then have a conversation about how life is going, etc.

I texted (told you, I cheated) two of my best friends today and told them about the challenge, and asked if there was anything I could change. The challenge told us to not allow our friends to cop out and say "you're fine" ... but, they obviously not met my stubborn (but amazing) best friends.

I told one of my friends who is also doing this challenge that my challenge today failed, basically. But, he told me to reflect on it and write about it anyways.

So, I sit here and try evaluate myself within my friendships.
I know I'm not the perfect friend (because no one can be), nor am I close.

I have a huge heart, just like my daddy. Sadly, the hugeness of my heart is shown mostly to those closest to me. When I say you're a close friend, or a best friend, of mine - I mean it. I will buy you a snowcone when you're recovering from getting your tonsils removed. I will drive you to go get prescriptions. I will bring you shakes when you're having a bad day. I will pray for you - a lot.

But I know there are parts of me that probably affect my friendships. I know my friends call me out when I trip up and do something wrong. And I continually pray that He transforms me more and more into His image, which I hope reflects into my friendships as well.

Passion 2011.

Living.

"83% of the American people claim to be Christians. If those Christians lived as they are taught to live by the Teacher they claim to follow, the American public square would be a very different kind of place." - Richard Hughes


So true. I'm guilty of it too.

Boundless #4.

Today's challenge was about love and respect.

Ephesians 5:33 says, "However, each one of you must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband."

The challenge had us read an excerpt out of a book that talked about this verse and what it means to really love and respect each other. He talked about how women are hardwired to love and expect love, and men expect respect. This book and this passage instantly made me think of how the Bible states that men assume leadership. Leadership automatically makes me think of respect; these people should be respectful, and also deserve the utmost respect.

Husbands are called to love their wives like God loved the church, which would be unconditionally - or as close to that as humans can. But, the verse doesn't say to love his wife unconditionally, and the wife to respect him when he earns it. That part of the book really struck me. We (as women) cannot expect all this love from our husbands, but then wait for him to "earn" his respect.

Although it is hard for me to fully grasp this lesson, because I'm not married (obviously). But, I think about the relationships I've seen (parents, friends, etc) and see how that worked. I pray that whenever I do have a relationship or marriage, that it would be full of respect and love - even through the hard times.

Boundless #3.

"Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one in another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer. Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality."

Today's Boundless challenge is to meditate on this passage from Romans 12, and write down how we think this reflects on relationships.

Although I know the challenge is more towards "dating" relationships, the first sentence really caught my attention. Sincere. Meaning: honest, pure, true. As believers, we are to love one another. This is something I struggle with sometimes. My friends, I love to death, and have no problem encouraging them and pouring into them. People I don't necessarily get along with.... that's a different story. There are some points at which I try to be nice to the people I don't like... but I know it's not sincere, sadly. I've been praying lately that God would just remind me of how much love He has shown me, and that I would be so overwhelmed with that reminder that I just pour out that love to others.

"Honor one another above yourselves." With the reading from Friday, this sentence stuck out to me on the dating front. The "dating" relationships we start/have are to be God-honoring. And as the article had said: to not get too emotionally attached, not share every detail about our lives in the first week, have boundaries, etc. To me this means to actually watch what you say/do, so that you don't cause the other one to 'stumble' and become more attached and whatnot. If both people watch their actions/words not only for themselves, but to guard the other person's heart as well... the relationship should stay at a healthy level. And, I think when both parties stay at a healthy distance, then we don't become distracted from serving God... "never lacking zeal."

I've never looked at this passage in a relationship aspect... but I'm glad He gave me a fresh eye for this! Really opened up my eyes and heart to new things.

101 Update.

#16 - Go star-gazing.
A week or two ago I went up to Glorieta Look-out Point.... watched the stars. There were a few clouds but they moved eventually. And the moon was beaaaaaautiful. Star-gazing high on a hill is so serene and beautiful.

"When I look at the night sky and see the work of Your fingers, the moon and the stars You set in place..." - Psalm 8:3


#50 - See a drive-in movie.
Went to Las Vegas (New Mexico) last night. Kira, Jake, Aaron and I ate at "Pino's Restaurant" which was pretty nice on the inside... but played 80's music. Aaron ordered a chopped sirloin.... and got a hamburger with gravy on it. They're so sneaky.

Then we went to the drive-in, and watched Karate Kid. The best part was a) the sunset, b) the sun reflecting on the clouds, c) the lightning storm that ensued on the horizon behind the screen. all night. SO COOL. :)

Boundless.

I'm doing this challenge.

I'm kind of behind, because I haven't done day one.

But, day two has already sparked my interest. Today we're to read this article about dating written by Scott Croft, and write any comments we have about the article.

1. I love when he says, "...we cannot simply state that the Bible doesn't mention dating or courtship, and then think we're off the hook to pursue this area of our lives either on the world's terms or however seems best to us without diligent, submissive reference to God's Word." I know a lot f Christians who think there are certain areas of life that God doesn't care about or have anything to do with - wrong. I know there are areas in my life that I try and control, even though I know God wants control, which is something I work on daily.

2. The part where he compares modern dating to Biblical dating - awesome. I especially enjoyed the part where it talks about spending time together. This world thinks you're supposed to spend all your time alone, but biblically, group hang out-age is encouraged. Which I wholeheartedly agree with.

3. The section titled, "Are You Ready to Date?" was very interesting. I think it's true, that we, as believers, should not date just to date and have fun. I'm not sure if I agree with you being ready to date equaling you picturing yourself married within a year. I think it's good to evaluate where you are spiritually, and that telling you whether you're in a place in life where you could date. I think it would be hard to evaluate myself, and say, "yeah, I could date" without being prideful. I also think it would be easy to justify or lie to myself and think I'm ready to date, because it's what I want - and not what God wants.

I will probably have to read this article a few more times to fully comprehend all the information. But it's solid. I agree. It's something prevalent, especially in my life right now. And I believe it's so important to seek God in every area of my life.

Pancreatic Thankfulness.

17 years.

Such a long time. I mean, that's 85% of my life.

So many memories come with my diabetes:
- camp discovery (big time)
- only getting to eat Valentine's candy in 4th grade if my blood sugar was under 140
- eating granola bars and fruit roll-ups at countless school parties while everyone else got cupcakes and cookies
- teammates in junior high and high school thinking I faked my low/high blood sugars to avoid parts of sports practice
- getting my insulin pump
- finding my first diabetic friend in college

Yes, I have all these (and more) memories, but there were my share of bad times. I mean, let's get real. Diabetes would not be under the category of my favorite things in life.

I already wrote a blog about what diabetes has taught me in life. I could list things I need to work on, things I hate about it, love about it, jokes about it.

But right now, I am just thankful. Thankful.

"But when Jesus heard it, he said, 'This illness does not lead to death. It is for the glory of God, so that the Son of God may be glorified through it.'" - John 11:4

That's why I celebrate my diabetic "birthday."

Read it Up.

Ben Stuart is at it again.

Last night, he preached over James 1:18-25. The main theme of his message was about diving into the Word of God, and how important it is to be knowledgeable in Scripture. I loved that this message was spoken to kids in junior high and high school, because it's so important. I didn't start having a quiet time until a year ago, and it has honestly changed my life. In the words of Ben, "God's Word tells us how to navigate through this dark and scary world."

Get the Bible in you, and let it change you. Be born again by the Word of God. This is only plausible if we stop being just hearers of the Word, and start becoming doers of the Word.

"Study like your life depends on it, because it does. Study like you do for finals, because your test begins today." Knowing the Word of God is life or death. Being overcome by sin will lead to death. Being immersed in the Word and letting the power of God work through you will save you.

The parable of the farmer in Matthew shows us how the Word of God works in our lives, depending on our heart. The soil of our heart needs to be soft. I wonder how many times in my life, the soil of my heart was like the road... and God's Word just bounced off. But praise God, He's softened my heart, and His Word has become "breath and living water"... I crave it.

"All I know is, this Book makes crazy sense."

Count It All Joy.

Have I mentioned how much I love Ben Stuart? I say that, knowing it's not really him, but God, that spoke to my heart last night.

Ben's message last night was over James 1, one of my favorite passages in the Bible.

A misconception among some Christians is that life is easy if you're a follower of Christ. False. We are not exempt from pain, we should actually expect it. But, knowing we are to "expect" pain, does not make it any easier when it actually comes.

This passage tells us to rejoice in pain. Ben said there are two kinds of people who rejoice in pain: those are crazy (literally, mental) and those who have hope, because we know something good will result from it, a glorious future awaits.

I loved the analogy Ben used... God takes us not to the bunny slope, or the green or blue slopes, He takes us to the top of the scary mountain where there is no slope, He takes us on the biggest wave in a rough ocean, and then teaches us how to navigate.

I've been told twice this summer, that in the midst of trials, don't ask why, but ask God to teach us something. "Let the trial finish God's work in you." It's painful. It stretches us. Oh, but to be transformed into what He's made us to be... how wonderful and complex He's made us to be.

One of the things Ben said that hit SO close to home: "He puts us in situations we don't know how to handle, so that we seek Him for wisdom." I heard this and thought back to countless times that I was lost, and didn't seek His wisdom first.

Pain gives us the wisdom to stop putting hope in things that fail.
Pain teaches us pain is real, but temporary.
Pain makes you put your hope in God.

The voice in your head that says, "it shouldn't be like this" is right, because it knows of a time when there wasn't any pain, and when there won't be any pain.

I loved when Ben said that it's okay to hate the pain, but remember that God is faithful and trust Him to pull you through. I think sometimes we think it's "wrong" to hate pain, that we're just supposed to put on a happy face and pretend it's okay. Yes, we rejoice in knowing something greater will come from it, but that doesn't mean we can't hate it.

The weaker I am, the harder I lean on You and stronger I discover You are.

Camp Discovery.

June.

Just a month, really. A hot one.
Never been a favorite of mine.

Until, on a very long drive, I got to thinking... June is actually special. It holds two of the sweetest memories in my life. First, church camp, where I gave my life to Christ 7 years ago. Second, Camp Discovery, where I met my best friend.

I'm one of those what-if people. While at camp this year, I got to really thinking and wondering not only what would life be like without diabetes, but without camp. I wonder how much camp has impacted my life, beyond what I can actually see. I mean, there's the countless friends and memories I've had over the years associated with camp. But, experiences, people, etc. shape your personality, desires, dreams... What about me would be different if I had never experienced camp? What would have happened back home the week I was at home?

The bigger question, do I care? I love camp. It's a part of me. I wouldn't trade a healthy pancreas if it meant I couldn't ever have camp. I would've missed out on SO much. This year at camp, the kids made these lists of the pros/cons of diabetes. One kid wrote under pro: "I like having diabetes because I know I'm smarter than all the non-diabetics." True that, dude.

Every year of camp is different, I mean, besides the obvious. I feel like every year I grow closer to two or three people. One activity is always a little more fun. There's always the favorite camper(s). This year really was different though. I had boy campers. Camp is usually female counselors with girls, and males with males. But, there was a shortage of male counselors and too many female counselors. At first, I wasn't too excited at the thought of boy campers. Turned out to be a blessing in disguise.

- The six of us girls who were guy counselors got our own cabin. Camperless cabin. Meaning, even though I didn't get to work with my best friend, Ellie, we got to be cabinmates. Along with my other two friends from camp. Our cabin was a little escape from the campers, and it was almost like camp all over again, but we got to have a "counselor-less cabin" in a way.
- I embraced the inner wilderness girl inside of me. I ate a centipede (cooked and seasoned). I went fishing. I didn't have to wait on little girls who couldn't decide what to wear, and I didn't have to listen to them giggle at night.
- Ellie and I went on a few walks. We walked to a beautiful field of sunflowers early one morning, which looked like a scene from a movie. We walked to Vesper's Point, where we had gone as campers years ago. The sunrise + hills = unbelievable beauty. There was also a rock that had the "be still" verse on it. And one night, at 1 am, we hiked up there again to stargaze (though, that got interrupted by summer staff, but that's a different story).

Call it a camp of weirdos, call it fat camp, sugar camp... call it whatever you want. It's my camp. It's the place that made me realize I'm not a freak for having diabetes, that I'm not alone. Diabetes is not a bucket of fun all the time, if ever. It does make for some good jokes! But, God has a plan for causing me to have a defective pancreas. So far, it gave me a best friend. Someone who understands me probably more than myself. My bffer. My CLL. I say, God did good on this one. :)

Goodness.

I read a blog this morning (here) that talked about reality, and sometimes we don't want reality. I want calm. I want peace. I want a break. I want my problems to go away.

I don't write this with the thought of life being perfect. I don't write it with voice that wants to whine about everything that is wrong. We live in a fallen world of depraved humans. And it's this morning that I'm once again reminded my hope can only be in the Lord. I sit here and think about how many times I try and find solace in the things of this world... friends, running, food, music, etc. And I think about how even though these things are good and do provide some comfort - it's temporary. But HIS word will be my anchor when my faith is tossed like the waves.

As Beth Moore stated in my devotion this morning: God is not the author of destruction, God will repay evil, our hope must be in Him, and no matter HOW bad things look, God is good.

God doesn't give me what I always want. And as much as I want peace and calm, I don't need it. I've only been awake for two hours, and I've already been sweetly reminded that our God is stronger and better than anything. I cling to the cross because it's the only immovable thing in my life. The hope I have in Him is sweeter than any peace and calm in this world.

Moment of the Week.

Last night, I met (part of) Addison Road.

I shook Travis' hand. [second guy]
And I talked to Jenny.


That's all.

Beautiful.

Last night in worship we sang, "He Loves Us" ... and how MANY times have I sang this song?

But the verse that says, "and I realize just how BEAUTIFUL You are..." just suddenly overwhelmed me.

How beautiful is our God.

How He made us.
How He made sunsets.
How He made mountains.
How He made oceans.
How He made love.
How He made music.
How He made art.

How He loves us.

No Different.

I do not hide my diabetes. Nor do I broadcast it (well, I guess unless you count this blog). Most people find out along the course of our friendship, usually by means of happening to see my pump, medic bracelet or me drinking Diet Coke.

This summer though, for some reason I just tried to keep it hidden, unless someone actually noticed. And slowly, more and more people have found out. Some responses were just indifferent, maybe a few questions.

But, there has been something I've noticed about most of the responses. A look. A look on their faces, in their eyes. Of shock and surprise... and not in the way of, "wow, you have diabetes..." but it's more a look of, "she has diabetes... and she's normal..." (or at least normal as I can be).

Did I keep it quiet so people would get to know me for me, and not as the diabetic girl? Maybe. Probably. Am I insecure about my diabetes? No.

I was thinking the other day about how society views normalcy. How quickly people tag others as weird, or different. God didn't make us all the same. It doesn't matter how someone dresses, what their hobbies are, where they're from, how they talk, etc. We should enjoy the fellowship of other believers, and rejoice in the fact that we share in the relationship with Christ with them.

I'm not writing this from the view of thinking I don't judge. Just last week I saw a young lady walking alongside the city street wearing a fanny pack, and chuckled a little. A girl here on staff was doing cross-stitch the other day. My first thought was, "That's a little..." and then I stopped and replaced the thought with, "Yeah. I used to do that too."

I'm diabetic. Call me weird.
I don't follow fashion. Call me different.
I love reading. Call me a nerd.

None of it should matter. God MADE us different.

Work in Progress.

A friend gave me the idea to focus on one verse for a week... to pray about what things I need to work on and have God change in me.

This week, my verse is from Philippians 4 -- "Always be full of joy in the Lord." Too often I let things in my life, the things of this world, affect my attitude and spirit.

Instead of going into Santa Fe this week for church, I decided to just have some alone time and listen to a sermon from my church back home, Hillside. And, total God thing that I did - because the sermon I listened to was from Philippians 1, talking about joy.

I love the book of Philippians, and I love even more when I read it with new eyes. Verse three starts with "every time" - meaning EVERY time, not dependent on circumstances. "Every time I think of you..." meaning his joy and gratitude for those people wasn't based on circumstances or past events. He was thankful for them and filled with joy just because they were fellow believers sharing in their relationship with Christ.

There is also joy in knowing God is not done working in each of us. We're all "under construction."

Happiness is based on circumstances. Joy goes beyond that, and comes from my relationship with God.

"Don't pursue happiness, pursue joy. While happiness is rooted in circumstances, joy is rooted in relationship with Christ."

Words With Friends.

"But, first remember, remember, remember the Signs. Say them to yourself when you wake in the morning and when you lie down at night, and when you wake in the middle of the night. And whatever strange things may happen to you, let nothing turn your mind from following the Signs. ... That is why it is so important to know them by heart and pay no attention to appearances. Remember the Signs and believe Signs. Nothing else matters." -- from The Silver Chair (Chronicles of Narnia)

"So commit yourselves wholeheartedly to these words of mine. Tie them to your hands and wear them on your forehead as reminders. Teach them to your children. Talk about them when you are at home and when you are on the road, when you are going to bed and when you are getting up. Write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates, so that as long as the sky remains above the earth, you and your children may flourish in the land the Lord swore to give your ancestors." - Deuteronomy 11:18-21


I love this passage of Scripture. I fell in love with it a month or so ago. I'm not sure what it is about it.... but the passage is so powerful to me. There's different parts that stick out to me:

"wholeheartedly" -- God says we are to love Him with all of our heart, soul and mind. And I know that my relationship with God can never stop growing, that I can always grow deeper in love with Him. And, unfortunately, I know there are always parts of me that I hold back.

"Teach them to your children." -- I've heard so many stories, myself included, about young adults 'growing up in the church' and this and that. I don't want my children to JUST grow up in the church, go to youth group and church camp. (And, I don't want them to live sheltered lives either.) But, I want them to HAVE a relationship with God... to not just know about God, but love Him and serve Him.

and then the last few lines where it talks about writing it everywhere and talking about it all the time -- Scripture tells us that our mouths should constantly praise God, that our conversations should be centered around Him. I have scripture written all over my room (and will be, in my apartment) because they serve as excellent reminders. I know that my conversation does not focus on Him enough, or doesn't even glorify Him enough... But I want it to, and it should.

His Image.

It amazes me what the Lord has done in just these past few weeks.

Over the past several days, the Lord has really been reminding me that my identity is in Him. I am His. He chose me. He made me.

My identity is not found in anything of this world, or anyone on Earth. HOW AMAZING. He is the only good, constant, firm thing in my life - and when I put my confidence or identity in anything else I fall.

I'm overwhelmed at the grace of being one of God's children. My mind cannot even fully wrap around it. It's not that I haven't known this fact/grace... I've known it for years and years. But it hasn't been until recently that I've embraced this freedom. That I don't have to try and fit in with this world.

Any good part in/of me is not of myself, it's Him. I'm not an inherently good person, I'm an inherently BAD person that sometimes does good things. It's only when Christ lives through me that I do good.

I read a blog/Bible study sorta thing yesterday, that talks on purity (but not just sexual purity, purity of all sorts). It said something that really opened my eyes: that our self-esteem is not based on anything we think of ourselves, or anything we do - it is built on Him. I should seek to promote His worth, not mine - I am so unworthy in comparison to Him.


"Christ didn't die to improve our self-esteem - He died to give us His. He didn't come to build up our self-worth - He came to knock it down."