Compassion.

I saw a question posted on someone's tumblr today, and I couldn't help but keep thinking about it.

"What was your life like before you accepted Christ?"

It was...

ugly.
messy.
empty.
rebellious.

I don't have one of those really dramatic, brings-tears-to-your-eyes, gives-you-goosebumps kind of stories. I actually grew up in the church - one of those who is at every Sunday school, VBS, youth group, church camp, on and on.

For so many, long years... I claimed to be Christian and my only proof was my church attendance.

Nothing miraculous happened, besides the fact that the Lord kept trying to grab my attention for about three years (and probably longer than that). I don't remember the exact day, but I do remember the month, the summer and the situation. I remember realizing if I was going to stand up for myself, what was I standing on?

Christianity is so many different things, some of which have gotten twisted and people miss. I missed one of those things for so long - a relationship. It makes so much sense that marriage is supposed to reflect Christ and the church. You can't get married without a real, sacrifical, all-or-nothing relationship. God wants a relationship with His people so badly, so badly that He'll even go as far as to put things in front of you to make you turn around... to Him. He did it to me.

"When he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them because they were confused and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd." - Matthew 9:36

Crazy Love.

I don't know how to write this blog.

SO much happened this semester.

I lived completely by myself for the first time, which was a learning and growing process. Lots of ups and downs, but enjoyable for the most part. I went to the International Balloon Festival - which involved going to Glorieta for one night. I lost some friends, but made new ones. I got a new job, that I love. I bought a ticket for Passion. I bought my first two plane tickets for flights that I'll fly by myself. I cooked a Thanksgiving dinner with two other people. I fed the homeless. I grew. I sang. I rejoiced. I cried. I loved.

There have been many things the Lord has taught me the last few months. But, there have been two things He's been showing me almost everyday.

Love and grace.

Christ died for me, even when He knew I would mess up time after time.

And time after time, people in my life do the same thing. I can either hold a grudge and get angry, or I can choose to love them anyways. Sometimes this is a real struggle, sometimes I completely fail at it. I just know that I have never been so aware of His love, and there's nothing to do besides pour it out to others; I'm compelled by the love of Christ.


Love is something beautiful... pure, genuine love. it's beautiful.

Old Love.

I am so old-fashioned. There are few things I love more than snail mail letters from my various pen pals around the country (and around the world, this year).

I love anything rustic, antique or old-fashioned. (okay, except black and white movies.) But, old barns, run-down houses, antique trucks, or even...

a typewriter,

inside an old suitcase! :)

I'm in love.

The way I have it set up in my living room is basically how it looks in the second picture (except different location). I can't decide if I want to decorate it somehow or just leave it alone. I think right now I love it too much to do anything with it :)

Impatience.

I am an impatient soul.
In all things, big and small.

I heard awhile back that if you pray for something - in the fruit of the Spirit sense - that the Lord won't necessarily give you that characteristic, but rather, place you in a situation that forces you to practice it. Like, praying for patience... and then placing you in multiple situations that require patience. (yes, I'm pointing the finger at myself.)

As my impatience rose tonight, I just started praying against it.. and immediately, the Lord put a verse into my mind. "Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in Him."

I want a patient, gentle spirit before Him while He teaches and transforms me, preparing and equipping me for whatever is next.

Turkey Christmas Fail.

Awesome.

Do you know what it's like to be under a pile of homework thinking you won't sleep for days, just so you can get it done... and still be able to just smile for no reason?

or to be driving down the road, walking to class, etc... and just feel like you're being hugged?

or to just want to giggle at the most random times?


Sometimes, I feel like I might explode with laughter and excitement. I want to go for a run to just get the giggles and antsy feelings out of me, not to escape from life.

I haven't been in this place, in a long, long time. And if I'm being real honest, probably never. I remember at the beginning of this semester, writing about the joy of the Lord - and what that feels like, and that what I thought it was before was so small in comparison.

That comparison has grown. I literally have fallen asleep smiling.

The other day, my professor said a profound statement: happiness is fleeting. I just wanted to raise my hand and say, but joy is constant.

I started writing this blog, and then thought about how unhappy I was at this time last year - so I went back and read some old blogs. Ironically, I wrote a blog on this very day, about one hour from right now. "God with us" - how beautiful.

It is the end of semester, the time when thousands of students across the country are frazzled, lacking sleep, and going crazy. Coffee shops probably have booming business. I am not (that) stressed. Yeah, I have things to do. But, I think sometimes as college students we make this time stressful - we let life get us down. Unless, we let the peace of Christ rule our hearts.

I was telling a friend just yesterday about my low level of stress, and that I know it is only because of the Lord, I repeat - only.

It was interesting this past weekend, that the sermon at our church was about having more peace and being more thankful. Our God is not stressed, He's got everything under control. He is also not a God of stress - He's a God of peace.

Nor does the Bible ever mention a change of circumstances that allowed peace. Peace and joy are non-circumstantial. We have to find the awesome in every situation. And like bowling, the best things happen when you let go.

Atypical Holiday.

This was not a normal Thanksgiving. First of all, because I did not go home to the family - I had to stay in town for homework. Lame, I know.

I started out the week thinking I would be doing homework for five days straight, maybe hang out with one or two people, and that my Thanksgiving meal would consist of a turkey sandwich. But, then that changed. A friend of mine invited me to have Thanksgiving with them (which we moved to my apartment).

Tuesday night, we went shopping for all the Thanksgiving supplies. Typical items, except one. A 21-pound turkey. Yes, twenty. one. for three people. Did we guess wrong? No. But we are cheap college students, and this turkey was $10 less than a small turkey - doesn't make sense but whatever.

I also had to prepare the turkey by myself Thursday morning. (Note: I. am. not. a. cook. In the last year, I've messed up canned soup, microwave rice and popcorn.) I also get grossed out various food items - like touching a raw turkey. When the instructions told me to "release" the legs and I was pulling on a leg, I looked at my hand, felt the foot and saw the leg bone and thought, "ew! actual turkey leg!!" Also, after I was cleaning it out, it made a farting noise. I giggled to myself. Anyways, the turkey turned out faaabulous!

To save you from every detail, here's a list of the following other funny things that happened either Wednesday or Thursday:

- Tal needing to whisper sweet nothings into my hand can-opener because it's stubborn.

- Derrik almost pouring out 1/4 cup of milk that we didn't need, the girls screaming to stop, and then me drinking that fourth of a cup.

- inventing microwave pumpkin cupcakes (maybe not completely new, but new to us!)
- realizing halfway thru the first pie we needed a lot more ingredients
- burning the top crumble-type crust on our second pie
- baking until one in the morning = giggles
- sneaking a piece of apple that had way too much nutmeg on it
- Tal yelling, "oh, it's beaaautiful!!" at an awkwardly loud volume after rolling her pumpkin roll
- all three of us falling asleep during an afternoon movie
- realizing we had enough turkey left (even after seconds) to feed a small village, and didn't even touch our second pie

- Tal teaching me not only what a sauce pan is, but that my stove top lifts up so you can clean under it...
- realizing the turkey came with a pop-up thermometer, after we already had put one in

I don't think I've ever laughed so much or had such a fun Thanksgiving! Definitely learned some things :) I also served lunch to homeless people with a friend's church, which was awesome. As I'm sure it does to everyone who helps homeless people, it made me so thankful to have my little apartment and have a huge Thanksgiving feast. I loved being able to just help the people, even if it was just for one meal.

Thanksgiving - Part 2.

16th - My morals. This kind of goes back to my parents... but I am so thankful for the way I was raised. There are people I see dressed or acting a certain way, and it's so sad. It's even worse when some of these people claim to be followers of Christ.

17th - Planners. I love my planner. This may be a lame thing to list, but it's what helps keep my brain organized. Disorganization in my life is stressful.

18th - Naps. I wasn't a napper before this summer, and somehow that changed. Although usually naps take place of something that I should be getting done, I'm thankful that the Lord gives me a little rest in the middle of my day. :)

19th - Beauty. There are so many beautiful things in this world - including people. I see God's beauty in so many things; art, people, nature, photos, on and on. Part of what makes people beautiful is their personalities - I love how different He has made each of us.

20th - Mentors. There are people in my life that have helped me through difficult times and situations, people that give me such Godly insight and advice. I'm so thankful that the Lord placed these women in my life to help guide and teach me.

21st - Coffee. I've fallen in love with coffee this semester. I've always loved the soup'd up, sugary drinks at Starbucks, but I've grown to appreciate the less sugary coffee in the mornings. But, occasional runs to Starbucks with good friends are always fun :)

22nd - The way the Lord teaches me - daily. People, situations, through His word... all of it. A God who loves me enough to teach me, rather than let me remain... stupid. Haha.

23rd - Sweats. I will miss the days that I can just throw on some sweats and go to class. Although I'm totally pumped to have a big girl job in the next two years, I am not looking forward to dressing up everrrrryday. Blech.

24th - Breaks. Although this Thanksgiving break will be not much of a break, and more of a homework marathon... I'm thankful for the somewhat rest.

Blog.

Who doesn't like awkward moments?

Oh yeah, that's right... no one.
BUT,

I know we always laugh at them.

So check out my the new blog I'm co-writing on. :)

Genuine.

I went to church by myself for the first time today. This may not seem like a big deal to you, and it wasn't as big of a deal as it would've been the few times I thought about going by myself before.

As I was driving, I felt very adult... one of those moments that I realized I'm an adult, I will soon be on my own, I have to make my own decisions - like going to church alone. As I stood in my row alone, and the awkwardness quickly faded, I wondered two things: people go alone all the time, why did I think this would be so horrible? My faith has never been so important to me or such a huge part of me, and that's why I realized it doesn't matter who is there - it's about God.


I am frustrated and confused by people who's faith turns off and on. Our God is not a God who likes to see us once a week, or when we're going through hard times. Our God who wants every bit of us, every day, in complete surrender. Just hanging a cross around your neck and being a "good" person is not near enough for Him.

Not everyone who cries Lord will enter Heaven.
Believing in God is something even the demons do.
We have to fight and persevere for true faith.
Enduring trials shows your faith is genuine.
A relationship with Him is two-sided, He won't just snap His fingers - we have to put forth effort.


I have been in that place before - I was stuck there before college. The place of false hope and freedom, our own manufactured faith.
Examine yourself.

May we be a people who desire Him more than sleep, more than fun stuff, more than anything of this world.

Sustained.

My week:

Blood sugars dropped severely low, out of nowhere, multiple times. Called doctor finally to adjust insulin levels to get it all fixed.

Instead of just getting one new project, I got three. One of which is open-ended, making it harder rather than easier.

Developed art history final project that will require working over thanksgiving break.

Changed my class schedule - again - and plans for my minor.


Even in the midst of all this crazy week (or, even just the crazy month it's been...), I woke up at six a.m. to read the Word and pray for an hour and a half. That's when I found this verse:

"If your instructions hadn't sustained me with joy, I would have died in my misery." - Psalm 119:92


Life has been just go-go-go for the past few weeks, but there have still been small moments when I just feel the Lord's peace, and just stop and smile at how good He is. I think sometimes as believers, we get caught up in everything He blesses us with and love those things, and not truly love Him.

Thanksgiving.

Last year, I focused on Scripture about giving thanks, and this year I've seen people take pictures everyday of something they're thankful for... so I decided that this year everyday of November I would write down something I am thankful for. Rather than have a daily post, or make you all wait til December 1st, this blog post will be updated here and there throughout November.

1st - My sisters in Christ. Oh, love these girls. I love that I have a handful of girls I can turn to immediately for encouragement, prayer and godly advice.

2nd - A boyfriend who cares. I hear stories or bits and pieces about boyfriend's who ditch their girls, who are rude, who yell (ahem...neighbors) and it makes me feel all the more blessed that mine does none of that. Not that he is perfect, and neither am I, but to have someone at the end of the day want to pray for you is so uplifting.

3rd - My job. Sometimes my job is crazy... with three deadlines in one day and all that jazz. Sometimes I complain about lack of money, but in reality this job is a huge blessing. Everyday I either come to work smiling or leave smiling.

4th - My sister. Five years ago, a friend of mine (brother of a friend of my sister's) was killed in a car wreck. That was one of the most emotional weekends ever. I remember getting to my sister's apartment and just standing in the doorway hugging and crying. Since then, it seems every November and every July (his birthday) I am reminded of how much I appreciate and love my sister.

5th - College education. This past week was a little stressful, registering for classes... trying to figure out my schedule. I have to take 15 hours to maintain a scholarship, and with my two minors and one major, it's sometimes hard to figure out my schedule. I was so frustrated and frazzled that day, and then I thought of people who can't afford college... and am just so glad that I have people who help support me.

6th - Grandparents. Oh, these people mean the world to me. My grandmother is someone I dearly admire and look up to - and I always have. They came to see me yesterday and are leaving today after lunch - less than 24 hours with me. But, they love and support all their grandchildren to pieces - it's so amazing. I love their relationship and life - they set such a godly example and it just makes my heart smile.

7th - Creative skills. I love that God has given me an artistic talent, and a passion along with it. I love when people ask me to design them t-shirts or signs. One of the most enjoyable things is walking around campus seeing things I've designed :)

8th - Psalm 81:6. Everytime I read this verse, I think it's directed right at college students. It is such a sweet reminder of how Christ will take care of every last detail if we just hand it over to him. Countless times over the last week or two, I have come home for the day thinking I will be doing homework until one in the morning. And somehow, it gets done so fast, that I just laugh at how stressed I had been.

9th - Laughter. I love laughing. I love that there are so many things in my life to laugh at, or people to laugh with.

10th - God's love. Not the typical God's love (though that is important too), but the romantic side of God. I was reading Captivating today, and couldn't help but smile when the book talked about how He romances us - always has, everyday. The best part was when it compared our flowers, chocolate and candlelight dinners to sunsets and falling stars. Mmmmm, some of my favorite things. :)

11th - Exercise. Yup, something most people hate. I love. And for two weeks last year when I was basically immobile, I realized how lucky I am to be able to walk and use all my limbs. I do Zumba twice a week, and it is incredibly fun. I love something so fun and crazy.

12th - Snow. I actually hate snow, unless it brings a snow day along with it. I woke up Friday to inches of snow, inches... I thought - this means winter is coming. I don't like winter; the cold, the wind, the snow. But, I'm thankful for moisture, and just to see another one of God's pieces of art.

13th - Parents. I realize more and more how blessed I am to have the parents I do. Though we probably frustrate each other and don't understand each other half the time, I know I am loved... which isn't something everyone can say. I'm so thankful for the way they raised me, it reminds me of Hebrews 12:11 :)

14th - Accountability. We can go through our walk with Christ alone - but that's not how He intended it. I love that I have brothers and sisters around me, challenging me. A friend and I started something - getting up before the sun gets up so we can read the Word for at least an hour. Day one: not even tired, and in high spirits. :)

15th - Adoptive parents. I love my "adopt-a-buff" parents who let me do laundry for free and feed me. But more than that, just to have more Godly adults to turn to in my life. It's nice just to have a other little 'family' here. As much as I love independence, it's nice knowing I have a little second home here, too.

Divine Romance.

I love sunsets.
I love star-gazing.
I love walking quietly, surrounded by nature.
I love giggly babies.
I love the sparkle in little girl's eyes.
I love violins and piano.

These are some of the things and ways that God romances me. God's version of flowers, chocolates and candlelight dinners comes in the from of sunsets and falling stars.

Something that He has been showing me lately is that He is not just Father and Lord, but also our Lover.


There are days, some more than others, when I am overwhelmed by His love. This summer I was so keenly aware of His presence - everywhere. And I am so, so glad that I didn't lose that when I came back to Texas.

The best part is that in the spacious love of God, our souls can lie down and rest. (taken from Captivating)




To be spiritual is to be in a Romance with God. When we're totally captivated by Him, we follow Him in complete obedience. When we're romanced by Him, we can't help but surrender and worship Him.


We always hear that there's places in our hearts that only God can fill, but there's also places in His heart just for us. He desires us, more than we desire Him. God finds her beautiful, has deemed her worthy, and in Him, she is enough.

Soulful.

The subtitle on the front of Captivating says, "Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul." And my eyes were opened to part of the mystery of my own soul as I read the last two nights.

I know everyone has their heartaches, their losses, their wounds, their fears. Mine is abandonment, or back-stabbing (sounds so elementary, but hear me out).

Almost every person in my life that was close to me at one point, has deeply hurt me. Grade school "best friends" moved away. Friends in high school did/said horrible things to me, things that enemies are expected to do - not the ones you call your best friends. More friends moved. It has been a reoccurring theme in my life that the ones closest to me either leave or turn their back on me.

The damage done to our feminine hearts through the wounds we received is made much worse by the horrible things we believe about ourselves as a result. That's me. I, for so long, had a twisted view of myself. Twenty years without a boyfriend, hurt after hurt, loss after loss... Satan begins to put thoughts in your head and twist your vision. The book told a story of this woman who was always changing, always trying to "improve" herself somehow. Why did she try so hard? She simply fears that somehow she is not enough. Deep down we fear there is something terribly wrong with us. I read that story and realized how often I fall into that trap - not praying enough, not getting good enough grades, not working out enough, eating too much, on and on.

Every semester since I started college, something slightly traumatic/dramatic has happened. Every. semester. It already happened this semester. You cannot be alive very long without being wounded. The sun rises, the stars follow their courses, the waves roll in crashing against the rocks, and we are wounded. When it happened this semester, for the first time, I handled it well. One day of shock and sorrow, and it was over. I remember telling my best friend, that I felt like God had given me such a peace about it, a peace I didn't understand. It was almost like I didn't want to be okay with it. I remember praying that God would soften my heart - I was afraid my heart was being hardened, that I was so used to this pain that it was almost expected.

I'm a lover, not a fighter. I can fight, but I'm so much more of a lover. You hurt me and come back in two weeks, I'll give you a hug. Some don't understand. Sometimes I don't understand. Things were done, awful things. And they shaped us. Something inside of us shifted. Something shifted. In high school. I once held a grudge for 46 days. Note that my graduating class had 22 students - this is not a big school where you can walk down a different hallway. My classmate and I's lockers were all within 15 feet. I held that grudge - against two people. I look back at that and wonder how I even did that. I look at my life and see for how long I didn't acknowledge Him in my life - and He has never held a grudge.

I stopped holding grudges and started building walls. If we were overwhelmed or belittled or hurt or abused, we believed that somehow it was because of us - the problem was with us. We hang a "do not disturb" sign on our personalities, send a "back off" message to the world. We try so hard, and in so many ways, to protect our hearts from further pain. The problem is our plan has nothing to do with God. I feel myself building walls just from experiences I hear of those around me. Do you know how difficult it is to love people and have walls up at the same time? Or, you can just tear down those walls and let God work. 

It's nothing to new to hear that women struggle with our mind. Satan twists our mind, our thoughts, our vision. Until I read this chapter in Captivating, I almost took it as another thing wrong with us - we aren't do something right, that's why Satan attacks us. Wrong. Satan was first named Lucifer, or Son of the Morning. It infers a glory, a brightness or radiance unique to him. He was perfect in beauty. And it was his ruin - pride entered his heart. Now his heart for revenge is to assault beauty. He hates Eve, because she is captivating, uniquely glorious, and he cannot be. Satan is jealous of how amazing God created women. He didn't attack Adam, he attacked Eve - and still does everyday. You are hated because of your beauty and power. He fears who you are; what you are; what you might become. 

As my relationship with Christ deepens, as I become more aware of and embrace His promises - I see the actions of Satan. Too bad our God is greater, and stronger. If Satan didn't arrange for the assault directly, then he made sure he drove the message of the wounds home into your heart. Satan has done this for too long. But God has done and continues to heal my heart. I think all Satan does sometimes is allow God to display His power even more.

I would be in a worse place right now if it weren't for the grace of God. I could've never handled all the pain and hurt by myself. God had me in His hand all along, even when I wasn't paying attention.


You are passionately loved by the God of the universe. You are passionately hated by His Enemy. 

Radical.

It is an overwhelming mix of joy, fear, confusion and peace when the Lord starts to move drastically in your life. Especially when it's just one thing after another in a short amount of time.

But, Jesus was a radical Messiah and the Bible teaches us to live radically. And we don't just confess Christ in our lives, but we conform to Him. He's our template, plain and simple.

God has definitely done some crazy, awesome things over the past several months...

and it's definitely continuing.

Come Rest Upon Us.

My soul is weary, and my cup is dry,
I am so in need of You,
though my rightesousness is rags,
your mercies are new

my mind is heavy and my days are long,
I lift my eyes up in the night,
my heart it weighs me down,
but your burden is light,

so Lord, come walk with me
until my heart believes
all the bounties that your grace can bring.

- Rest Upon Us, by Caedmon's Call

Mark of the Lion.

Thanks to my best friend, I just finished the Mark of the Lion series by Francine Rivers last night. I had tried reading book one a year ago almost... and failed. Didn't like it, gave up. But, over the last few months I have fallen in love with this series. It's one of those series I could read over and over again.

The first book is about Hadassah, this young girl who's faith is unsteady. But, throughout the book, her faith strengthens and she starts relying more on the Lord. It's so evident seeing the Spirit work in her life.

Book two continues with Hadassah's story, and tells the story of Marcus - the son of the family that Hadassah serves - finding his faith. I think what hit me most with this book was that because of the way Hadassah lived her life and impacted Marcus, after she was thought to of died... Marcus became a believer. I only hope that my life can influence others and draw others closer to Christ. Every relationship - friends, family, boyfriend, co-workers, etc.

Sometimes when I meet people, I wonder if they're a believer, and I usually find out through conversation or Facebook. It's happened a few times when I start thinking maybe they person doesn't know Christ, find out they do and I'm like oh, crap. In those moments, the Lord reminds/asks me - what about myself, do people think I know Christ by the way I act and talk?

Book three is about Atretes and Rizah. Another story of a girl influencing and impacting other's lives and drawing them towards Christ. Rizpah had such strong faith, and was completely sold out to the Lord. She was so humble and completely captivated by Him. Rizpah said something a lot in the book, something along the lines of, "though he slay me, yet I will trust Him."

I think this is one of the hardest things of walking with Christ. People suffer or go through hardships and turn from Christ, when ultimately we should draw closer to Him. Last year was a hard, hard year. There were so many times that I wanted to give up, I was tired of feeling hated, tired of crying myself to sleep. I kept drawing closer to Him and, of course, it was the best thing I could've done. Rizpah was so, so faithful to the Lord... at times I thought, I don't even know if I could do that.

Hadassah and Rizpah embodied Christ - they lived as He would have. The Bible tells us we're to be different, set apart, not follow the crowd. And that is so what those characters did in these books.

Granted, they look like trashy romance novels. But, I totally recommend anybody read them.

oh, happiness.

I am torn.

Torn between joy and lethargic.
Torn between feeling close to and far away from God.

But,

God is not a feeling.

and, His joy surpasses all else.

I don't know why I have these conflicting emotions,
almost oxymoron-like.


But, I am full of joy and the happiest I've been since I came to college. Actually, maybe even since early high school. God continues to bless me and work everything out (as usual).

It's a weird feeling being happy on a bad day. But I like it.

Battle.

Retreat: a period of seclusion, retirement, or solitude. The act or process of withdrawing, especially from something hazardous, formidable, or unpleasant. (example: college)


I think sometimes church retreats get a lot of crap; people consider them boring, or cliche. They don't want to spend more than 2 hours with some people, have to open up. I, on the other hand, love retreats. I love seclusion. And, as hard as it may be to believe, I love turning off my cell phone and not having a computer for days at a time. 


At the women's retreat I went to this weekend, we focused on the passage in Ephesians that talks about the armor of God. We put on and take up His armor. 


truth: agreement with final reality, His word IS our final reality. 
His truth redeems our past. [Isaiah 42:9]


righteousness: faultless in every situation
His righteousness ratifies our present. [Jeremiah 23:6]


peace: tranquility of the soul
His peace redefines our future.


and... faith.
The shield of faith is not just a defense, it can be an offensive weapon too. We can't always hide behind our shield, because Satan will use his arrows of insecurity, doubt, anxiety, nervousness, pride and arrogance and tear it to pieces. [Romans 10:17]


Another verse we focused on was 2 Corinthians 12:9-10, "...for my power is made perfect in weakness..." When I'm weak, and I want to give up and throw the towel in - His power is perfected. Not when I'm strong, but when I'm weak. And for Him to be strong, I have to take my hands off of the situation - let go. 


Isaiah 49:4 has been on my heart a lot lately, "I replied, “But my work seems so useless! I have spent my strength for nothing and to no purpose. Yet I leave it all in the Lord’s hand; I will trust God for my reward.”


Leave everything in His hands; the battles are the Lord's. 

Faith and Doubt.

As I looked at the cover of our church program, I thought to myself (okay, first I thought it was a good design), that sounds a lot like Hebrews 11:1. My life verse.

And I was right, that's what the message was about. How beautiful.


As believers, we take things by faith. But, even non-believers take things by faith. As you back out of the driveway, you subconsciously have faith that your brakes will work. As you walk in the building, you have faith that the architects did their job correctly and that the ceiling won't cave in. I loved when our pastor talked about that... because it's true. An even better point he made - even science takes faith. Think about it.

We don't ask for proof on everyday things; proof that the chef didn't spit in your food at the restaurant, proof that the architect wasn't drunk the night before he built that skyscraper. If we don't ask for proof on these things, why do we ask God for proof?

It's normal for believers to doubt. Our pastor pointed out that some of the strongest Christian leaders doubted at some point(s) in their life. Something else very interesting he said was that, faith and doubt can grow at the same time. Having doubt doesn't mean you are weak or you don't truly love Jesus. But faith, faith is something you can't manufacture - it's a gift from God.

We live by unbelievable faith. Faith that God is who He says He is, and will do what He says He will. We make decisions about things we don't know and things you can't see because God asks us to do so.

Everything involves something not yet seen. 


Cross the bridge from doubt to faith on God's promises.

Our pastor talked about how people question how he lives by faith, how he can be a man of such strong faith - believing in something he can't see or touch, and it's like Peter said,

Where else would we go?

New!

I made an art blog. I will probably just use it to post my art pieces... not really sure yet.
Check it out over on that link! ---------------------->

Mighty to Save.

Everyone needs compassion,

a love that's never failing.

Let mercy fall on me.

Everyone needs forgiveness,

the kindness of a Savior,

the hope of nations.

He can move the mountains,

My God is mighty to save,

He is mighty to save.

You know when you hear a verse, or a song for the millionth time, but it seems to ring differently? I've sung and heard this song too many times to remember, but as it came on my Pandora station... it just hit me.

Everyone needs love... it makes the world go round. We are called to love each other, no matter the circumstances. But, I'm flawed. I'm human. I don't love as often as I should, I don't love people that need it the most. I need love - a love that loves me when I screw up, that loves me when I'm unlovable. That's why I seek Christ - unconditional, unending love... when people fail, God prevails.

I hold grudges with the best of them. I've been capable of not speaking to people for months. Forgiveness is a hard concept for me, even when I am forgiven over and over and over. There's usually a lot of stubbornness, holding back, arguing with God, until I let it go and give it to Him. And, I'm to forgive people JUST like He forgives me. No but's. No grudges. But, the kindness of a Savior.

I am weak, and little. A mere human. Who can compare to God? That's what I've been reading over and over again in Isaiah. He is incomparable. But, God... He formed the oceans, He gives everything life, He moves mountains. MOVES them. He can move the huge mountains in my life, even when I think it's impossible. He saves me. Rescues me, each and every time.

"When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you." - Isaiah 43:2

Cheap-o.

I am a thrifty shopper.

Off-brand, coupons, discounts ... I try and save every penny.

I have a kind of large living room, that has a large space in the middle. I decided that coffee table was needed - to fill space, and for a place to set stuff instead of covering my couches in books and papers.

Looked at tables online - way too much for this college kid.

Next stop, Craigslist.

A college girl in town was selling a nice one for $25. Cheap for a table, expensive for me. I ended up posting a "wanted" ad on Craigslist next to the other random, probably not G-rated wanted ads - thinking I won't be getting a coffee table til the next garage sale season.

One hour later. "I'll sell it to you for $10."

After some awkward texting, lots of complicated changing of plans, it was set that I would drive to the OTHER side of Amarillo last night.

Danae and I ate some hamburger helper, cleaned up the Route 44 DDP that I spilt, plugged in the GPS and set off on our adventure.

Mind you, when the lady told me she lived "out by the airport" she didn't say in a secluded, miniature town that has it's own school district. And, is kind of sketch. I was relieved that the original plan was for her to leave the table on her porch, me to slip $10 under the potted plant and us never have to interact.

Well, when we pulled up to the duplex and there was no table in sight, I had to shoot her a text.

"Oh my gosh, my husband forgot!!!!! We'll be there in a few minutes!! I'm so very embarrassed and sorry!"

While we waited, I turned to Danae and said, "This may be one of the most awkward situations I will ever have to be in..." A few minutes of awkward driveway talk, loading the not-at-all-heavy table in the back and handing over some cash - the table is MINE.

I somehow always find myself in awkward situations. But, a $10 (or free, thanks to the 'rents) coffee table is worth it. Oh, the things I go through to save money.

Who, Why, How!

I have 27 followers. 27! What! Crazy talk.

I also have a tracker on my blog (sounds so creepy)... that tells me WHERE people are from when they visit.

But, I want to know WHO you are! Why are you here? How did you find my blog? :)

... so leave a comment!

Sacred Priorities.

Sometimes, you need a break. Space. Breathing room. Quiet.

Today, I made that my day.

No TV.

Very little computer.

Mild texting.

I didn't even go to church.

Lots of reading and cleaning (my two therapies).

I'm sad to say that my crazy schedule this semester has shaken things up. Some good, some bad. I do read my Word everyday - sometimes it's an obligation, sometimes it's a joy; but I think that happens to everyone. But, sometimes I feel rushed, I need to grab my stuff and head to class. I tell myself I'll read when I get home, as the Bible lays on the kitchen untouched that evening.

Today, though, I made extra time. Not that I consider this to "cover" me for the last week or next week. I did two studies - which coincidentally were almost identical. My best friend and I are going through "Seeking Him" and my Bible study group is going through "Set Apart Femininity" - both very awesome.

The last section of Seeking Him that I did today was rough. One of those very humbling, sometimes painful studies. It took us through a list of things to "put off" (with a list of things to replace it with as well) - jealousy, loving others, impatience, complaining, fear, worldly entertainment, on and on. I'm making it a goal to go through the provided scriptures again this week, hopefully more than once.

I'm not sure which study or book it's from, but Leslie Ludy has something called "Cleaning out the Sanctuary"... which is basically the same concept as the study mentioned before, but more in detail. Although it didn't provide scripture, it pointed out things (or rather, God pointed out things) in my life that are not of Him.

As I was reading this week's chapter for Set Apart Femininity afterwards, more things jumped out at me. It talked about how we are often angry or upset because we feel like God is distant. Yet, we can quote more movie quotes than scripture. We justify watching movies (trashy or mild), or being caught up in the latest TV series by say it's normal and accepted. Personally, I didn't realize how influenced I am by pop culture, even when I hardly watch TV (especially not MTV) or read all the big magazines, etc.

"Most of us feel we don't have enough time for prayer and seeking God. But we don't even consider giving up our nightly TV time or weekend movie fests." - Set Apart Femininity

I was thinking how wonderful it would be to take away school or work, only have to deal with one of them. (you know, like spending a summer in Glorieta!) Then, I could spend more time with God. But, then God reminded me that He's placed me here, with the certain people He's placed in my life, with everything as it - for a reason. He teaches me through circumstances and people everyday.

I watched this video last semester, but I still love it.

Turning.

I read this blog and realized some things.

I do find worth in how productive I am at work or school.

I do find worth in how much money I have.

I do find worth in being part of certain groups.

I do find worth when I feel loved and respected.

These are not okay things. God should be the center of my entire being, not just parts of it.

I know I am not perfect. I know my relationship with God could always be better. I worry too much. I think too much of other people's opinions. I stumble. I know there have been times when I've had idols in my life - but never have I thought the things that blog listed were idols.

There is grace.

Now I'm a mobile blogger. :)

And I added this thing that connects similar posts to each other. Such a blog nerd.

On Guard.

I love people watching. I people watch with the best of 'em.

As I was standing in line for some delicious funnel cake at 8:30 in the morning this weekend (see previous post), I noticed something... or someone.

This notice was not a good thing, either. No, I am not about to describe someone wearing a leopard outfit, or spandex shorts, or ugly shoes. This was far worse.

This man was staring. He was talking.

He was staring at women in line like they were pieces of meat. He was talking to his co-worker about who knows what, but whatever it was, he had to turn his back to the customers in line so we couldn't read his lips.

I turned to my (guy) friend in line and said, I don't like him. And told him the reason, at which he quickly noticed what I had already seen.

Sure, I've been around guys when they talk about how "hot" a girl looked when she walked by - in high school. I honestly don't remember the last time I've seen something so rude and degrading. Maybe I'm making a bigger deal about this than needed. I'm really not sure why this bothers me so much.

I'm not trying to make it sound like once again guys are jerks, or whatever. In fact, in the last month I've seen girls do things that made me ashamed. Girls who move from one relationship to the next in a blink of an eye. Girls who wear next to nothing at a football game to try and get stares. Girls who only claim to be a Christ-follower when it's convenient. But, these women (including me - yes, I caught him staring at me) were not being trashy or wanting attention.

Since then, as I've walked around campus, gone to Wal-Mart, worked-out... I keep noticing how much people stare at and judge each other. There was one guy in the gym today that stared at these two girls as they walked down the hallway, and it made me so mad. I feel more self-conscious after noticing these two guys in the last few days.

In Bible study last week, we talked about how society makes it sound like men are always sleazy. How some claim even Christian men can't even be not of this world, different, set apart, etc. They are hard to come by, it's true. But, the Word of God can and does transform and change people.

Women, guard your hearts.

Men, guard your hearts.

Glorieta.

It's weird how a place can feel like home after three short months.

I went to New Mexico Friday, more specifically Glorieta. I was there just two months ago. I only got to walk around for an hour that night, and then I was in Abq/Santa Fe all of Saturday. I was kind of bummed about my lack of time spent in Glorieta, but at the same time, SO thankful I got to go.

As we rolled into New Mexico, it was cloudy. Rain storm was coming. One of my favorite things from this summer. Rain storm in the mountains is a whole new level of beauty.

Then, the sun was peeking out behind clouds. Beautiful isn't a strong enough word to describe that. It looked like God was behind those clouds, just looking down on us a little bit. For a little while, it came out fully behind the clouds. As the sun reflected off the wet pavement, I had to close my eyes because it was so bright. I thought, and heaven is going to be even brighter and more beautiful than this, more than I can even imagine. As the sun set, the sky was a white gold - much like the sunset Aaron and I watched from a hill.

There was a lightning storm as we pulled into Glorieta. I remembered the huge lightning storm we had this summer, where the power was out for hours. I sat on the steps and sang worship songs as Tyler played his guitar.

I sat in traffic on the same highway that we sat in traffic on to go watch fireworks on the 4th. Fireworks and balloon fiesta take place in the same field.

I got to see the restaurant of my boyfriend and I's first date. Sweet memories.

I walked around the plaza that I walked around, and even danced in once, many'a times.

I ate at Bumblebee's, the last place I ate at this summer. There was a group of friends at the table I sat in my first time there. I remember my first time there, was with a huge group of girls... and Justin. It was after church, we went to Blaze.

I went to Thunderbird, where I lived for three months. It looked creepy, sadly. It was quiet, lifeless.... none of the family there. The lobby was actually unlocked, and the TV was on - which creeped me out enough to shut the door and run away.

It felt like home. I knew every turn, every tree, every secret spot.

Somehow Glorieta became a part of me, as did the people I was around. I miss it all.

Friendships.

Everyday, I read a slip of paper, whether it be a quote, scripture, a song to listen to, or a to-do task. My best friend left me a box of 400-some slips of paper. You see, she is far away - Europe. Before she left, we talked everyday, endlessly. These slips of paper were my only "communication" between her and I for the last two weeks. Today, was by far one of my favorites:

"The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart." - Elisabeth Foley

I have many'a friendships that are long distance. Yet, by the grace of God, some of these are my closest friends. Pictured below in no particular order:

You three are huge blessings in my life. Only because of God did we meet. I read something today that reminded me of this...

God is still in charge and in control.

He is beside you, behind you, before you, and for you.

No doubt about it, no way around it -

His plan is good, His power is great,

and His best is yet to come.

Outside Dating Advice.

If you are dating someone, or heck... even if you just want advice on Godly dating/marriage, go here. I follow this blog regularly, they do a variety of topics, but this last week they started one on marriages. Real good. :)

One Lady's Story.

"We forget that God has a way of making the most miserable thing beautiful." - Isa Elmazoski

Here's a link to her story... it's kind of a long video, but it's SO good.

You're My Beloved.

Do you ever think about God being the romantic type?

You should. It's completely true.

I was reading through Song of Songs over the last week or two, and the words I read were so powerful... and made every compliment I've heard seem so miniscule.

Chapter 4 is like the ultimate poem of all love poems.

"...beautiful beyond words.... altogether beautiful, my darling, beautiful in every way... your love delights me... my treasure, my bride..." and then in following chapters, "...my perfect one... I would still choose my dove, my perfect one... how pleasing, my love, how full of delights... "

I am my lover's and my lover is mine.

It's not that I didn't know my God loves me. Not that at all... but hearing these words was like hearing them for the first time. It opened my eyes and I felt like God was telling me, I love you as your Lord, as your Father, but also as a your groom... a more personal, intimate level.

We are re-made by the love of Christ. I don't know if people realize that, I don't know if I even fully grasp that. He speaks to our very soul, and soulful beauty comes before physical beauty. And it says in Ezekiel that He perfected our beauty, that we became a beautiful jewel and became HIS.

He is a jealous God. I know it, I know why. I heard "Beloved" by Tenth Avenue North and the lyrics, "Well you've been a mistress, my wife, chasing lovers that won't satisfy, won't you let me make you my bride?" I put so many things before Him. Without Him, we're nothing. Trade in all you are for all that He is.

PB Problems.

I love peanut butter.

Like a lot.

It's kind of a problem.

I skyped with my boyfriend tonight and told him my latest peanut butter creation, and we somehow got around to the point of saying "the first step is admitting it..." and wondered what the other 11 steps are.

Thank you, Google. Following is the 12-step program... which is quite hilarious with the "corrections".

1. Admit you are powerless over peanut butter - that your life has become unmanageable.

2. Believe that there is a higher power that can restore you to sanity.

3. Decide to turn your life and peanut butter addiction over to God.

4. Make a moral inventory of yourself.

5. Admit to God, yourself and someone else the nature of your problem.

6. Be ready for God to remove all defects of character.

7. Humbly ask Him to remove your shortcomings.

8. Make a list of all persons harmed due to your peanut butter addiction and be willing to make amends with them.

9. Make amends with said persons, unless it would harm them.

10. Continue to make a personal inventory and admit any wrongs.

11. Pray for knowledge and His will.

12. After your spiritual awakening, carry this message to other peanut butter-aholics and practice these principles throughout other affairs.

Maybe this is only funny to the two of us. But, that's okay... because laughing until you cry is needed sometimes.

Challenged.

I love challenges.

I am one of those weird people that likes to be challenged rather than sit back on the couch and watch. Challenges keep life interesting. They help you learn, and grow.

I need people to challenge me, especially in my walk.

If I could translate my walk into a picture, it wouldn't be a sunset; peaceful, beautiful (although, those are good components). It wouldn't be a barbed wire fence either, I mean... I don't want it to be torture. I picture an escalator... always moving upward. Growing, moving, drawing closer to Him.

I've found there are things I thought I knew, when I really didn't. I thought I knew joy before this summer, but I experienced (or experiencing...) it on a whole new level. I thought I knew what it mean to trust the Lord, to walk into the unknown, to lay everything at His feet... I didn't. It's a new world. It's a struggle. But, there is still peace amidst it all.

I read Ecclesiastes this morning, and my verse of the week comes from chapter three.

"Yet God has made everything beautiful for it's own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end."

With eternity in mind, our time here should be nothing short of intentional. I don't want to look back and think my life, or parts of it, were meaningless. I can only trust Him with the future and do His work right now.

I am constantly reminded of Psalm 9:10... He has never failed me or forsaken me, so why would He start now? I may struggle, but His power is shown through my weakness. And, one of my new favorite quotes: a woman of the Lord is anything but weak.

I hope you not only challenge me, but yourself and others around you. Get out of your comfort zone.

Let it Go.

My small group and I are memorizing, or meditating on, a verse a week.

This week, my verse is Proverbs 20:24,

"The Lord directs our steps, so why try to understand everything along the way?"

I am guilty of the last part too often. I want to know why, I want to know when, how, where. I am a planner person, I make sticky-note lists daily, consult my planner and pencil stuff in all the time. I don't do well with spontaneity - unless in small doses.

I don't consider God spontaneous. He's got a nice, big planner for me upstairs I'm sure. Probably the type that has a line for each hour of the day, lots of writing room. Artsy cover, for sure. And little ol' me wants to grab the pen and write something in, or just steal the book, run and hide in my room and read it.

Too bad I'm a slow runner.

Good thing God has never failed me.

Says so in Psalm 9:10, "Those who know Your name trust in You, for You, O Lord, do not abandon those who search for You."

It's hard sometimes letting go, even when it's so easy to trust Him.

Today's Letter.

Dear Ellie,

(aka: bffer, CLL, woman, best friend, other half)

You are leaving on a jet plane tomorrow. Going on a grand adventure... one more grand than many can imagine. It is sure to be a trying and learning yet amazing time while you are abroad. Many emotions arise when I think about you being overseas. Envious that you get to go to Europe, the desire for me to join you, and sadly... the pain of how much I already miss you. I'm thinking I may delete BBM because it is pointless without my favorite BBM'er. I will miss our incessant texting and sarcasm, with a few drops of sisterly love. I have already started my pile/stack of letters and notes to mail you at some point. Lately, I've realized that everyday is a new adventure that God takes us on, and when you look back, you see that everyday added up to one big adventure. I hope you look back at your time abroad you will see how God worked in your life and how your experiences and learnings shaped you. I already miss you dearly, and already foresee many skype dates, even if I have to lose sleep over it. You are such a big part of my life, and just because you're going overseas better not mean that is about to change.

Love love love you.

Uncertainty Leads to Faith.

Some people have a life verse. I don't know if I truly have one... I have some major favorite ones. Some that I use for different circumstances. I just love the Word. But, if I did have a "life verse".. this would be it:

"Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen, if gives us assurance about things we cannot see." - Hebrews 11:1.

It was the first verse I underlined in my Bible when I came to college. I was in the Cross Hall lobby at Angela's Bible study... we were supposed to be looking somewhere else, and I was flipping through and my eyes landed on that verse. That little tidbit is beside the point though.

I feel like for the first time, I'm living it out. Breathing it in. Embracing it.

I feel lost, surreal, maybe even purpose-less.

I'm not leading a Bible study, I don't have a "ministry" I guess you could say is how I feel. I feel as though many of the people I love dearly are far away from me, or soon will be. Relationships are different this year. There are so many things that I'm uncertain about, that I'm just crossing my fingers about and taking one step at a time.

That's what faith is about. Being uncertain and moving forward, trusting the One who does know. When we believe that God will fulfill His promises even though we don't see those promises materializing yet, we demonstrate true faith.

Today's church service was... unconventional, different, amazing. A huge part was talking about a change of heart, of spirit. That's me. I've changed. From two three years ago, a year ago, three months ago. Right now, I'm not sure what the next step is in this change. There's a lot of change in my life right now. If last September you would've told me I was going to live by myself, have a boyfriend halfway across the country and not lead a Bible study (which is funny, because I never expected to lead one in the first place)... I would've laughed.

It's about faith. Stepping out to the unknown and hoping, trusting He will not let me fall face first on the concrete.

Love Songs.

There are few things that cut me to the core; the Word, intense storms, brilliant sunsets, and amazing lyrics. Three of those I can get almost daily. The last one, I have three songs that have been running through my mind and been on iTunes repeat lately.

Hanging On by Britt Nicole: "You see my anxious heart, You see what I am feeling, and when I fall apart, You are there to hold me. How great Your love for me. . . Your voice is my healing. I'm hanging onto every word You speak 'cause it's all that I need." I heard this song off and on for a few weeks on the radio, and when I finally added it to my own library the other day... I can't stop listening. I listened to it on repeat earlier tonight about five times in a row. Such powerful words that comfort and remind me of the Truth.

More Like Falling in Love by Jason Gray: "I need a Truth that lives, moves and breathes... to sweep me off my feet, it's gotta be more like falling in love. It was love that made me a believer in more than a name, a faith, a creed, falling in love with Jesus brought the change in me." I grew up in the church, and honestly before college... church/God/religion didn't do much for me. It IS so much more than a religion, an obligation. It's a relationship, it's falling in love with someone who WILL change your life... more than any husband can ever even imagine. His Word is life.

Your Love is a Song by Switchfoot: "Your love is a symphony, all around me, running through me. Your love is a melody, underneath me, running to me." This song reminded me of the verse in Romans that says nothing can separate us from God. Nothing. Not even Satan. He is constantly chasing me with His love, when I'm being stubborn, when I'm hurting, when I'm oblivious. But, when I turn around... it's right there to consume me. And it's the sweetest thing there is... nothing sweeter than the love of Jesus.

Combine these three things into one thought:

I love falling in love with Jesus, His love brings so much life and He IS all I need.

Today's Letter.

In light of a friend's blog, and reading this site... I'm writing this blog with a new style.

Dear Boyfriend,

You are too sweet, and always have been.

It's crazy the places God takes you in life, and I feel like this is the beginning of a new adventure.

The countless text pictures of sunsets and clouds, and scripture you've sent me... never fails to make me smile.

I love the ways in which we compliment each other - your ability to cook/my inability, my tendency to complain/yours to be more positive ... and our shared love of ice.

I have to admit, I much prefer in-person over skype.

You make me lean closer to God.

You're stinking awesome.

The autograph is legit.

I love my necklace.

- me.

Old Faithful.

It has been one of those weeks. One of those where everything and nothing seems to go wrong.

The things that went bad were merely blessings anyway. I never experienced them, so it's as if nothing was taken away. Or, if I have, I have forgotten to see the brighter side to them. It was a week of chaos and bliss all in one. It was a week of Satan attacking me, and me remembering our God is stronger. It was during this week I realized how vital it is to know His word, and to cling to it.

Last night, at our leadership retreat we talked about "doulous" - a slave, bond servant, one who is in a permanent relation of servitude to another, his will altogether consumed in the will of another.

We are servants of God. First of all, He doesn't even need us - He chooses to use us. That's a humbling thought in itself.

In our little group last night, our talk led to us thinking about slavery. Slavery was a big part of history, and it's not a hidden fact that some masters did not care for or take care of their slaves.

That is quite the opposite with God. He is the greatest Master. He doesn't say, follow me... I might give you something here and there. He doesn't say, follow me... maybe there's a prize at the end. He says, follow me... I will take care of you. I will bless you. I will protect and guide you.

He never said it would be easy (as cliche as that sounds). He didn't say it would be a piece of cake. But, He's always there. He never forsakes us, even in our weakness. And praise God for that! I look back at the last week and see some struggles, some fears, and a lot of me still trying to hold on or control the wheel. I'm stubborn, sometimes it takes more than once to get me to do something - like let go.

"But the Lord is faithful; he will strengthen you and guard you from the evil one." - 2 Thessalonians 3:3

And I got my heart set on what happens next.

With the exception of three days, I have been in my apartment for two weeks now. My humble abode, that sadly, still doesn't feel completely mine. Now everything really is hung up and put away, but it's still lacking the feeling of completeness.

My first meal when I got back was a turkey and ketchup sandwich. Yes, you read that correctly. It was that for a few reasons: a) I was too tired and lazy to cook, b) after eating dining hall all summer, I wanted something non-greasy, non-fatty, and c) I lived on turkey sandwiches last spring and I really wanted one after a three-month break.

One morning, I cleaned out and filled the dishwasher, washed what didn't go in the washer, and wiped off the counter. I took a step back and thought, "wow... this is what it feels like to live on your own." In the words of Carrie Underwood, the bills on the counter remind me I'm on my own. Along with buying groceries and miscellaneous items, cleaning up after meals... really makes it set in. This place is mine. I control everything. For two years, I lived in half a room with a plethora of storage tubs and containers. Now, I have to find things to fill the cabinets.

My dad was here for the weekend, and he sadly pointed out that my AC was not on auto, but just "on"... meaning the fan has been running constantly for 2 weeks. I'm sure the electric bill will be quite lovely. I wonder if having one less lightbulb in the living room for those two weeks will have made any difference? Speaking of efficiency, I take out a lot of trash. I'm hoping that changes now that I'm done unpacking and buying random supplies, because for some reason I dread the trek to the dumpster.

Soon, I will not be sitting in here day in and day out, getting miscellaneous to-do things done. I will be rushing from here to campus, to the BSM, to the store to grab something before I start on amass of homework.

I have a lot of hope for this semester. I already see skype video chats happening every week, the nights of chip and salsa splurging with my friends, the sleepovers, and amidst all these fun memories I'm sure there will be times when I cry because I miss friends, or it's been a bad day and I have no one to come home to and vent.

I was listening to Switchfoot the other day, and thought these lyrics described things very similar to my life:

"I've got my memories

Always inside of me
But I can't go back
Back to how it was...

Yeah, this is home
I've been searching
For a place of my own
Now I've found it
Maybe this is home

I got a brand new mindset
I can finally see
The sunset (right over taco bell....)
I'm gonna call it home."

#91.

I've done a fair share of Walk for Diabetes walks. Do I remember any of them? No, or if I do, it's vague. That's why I put this on my 101 list!

This morning, I checked off #91 - Do Walk for Diabetes.

Meet Team Fruitcake!

and my dad. :) who also participated.

It was kind of sweet, being able to actually participate and remember this... with sweet friends, and my dad, who's been there through it all. We've had our fair share of fights about what I can and cannot eat, needing better control, etc. But, he told me how at the previous walks he pushed me in a stroller or pulled me in a wagon. So precious.

The people called all type 1 diabetic kids up to the front for a picture. While my friend and I stood up there, some little kids stood in front of me. And, I thought... oh they are so cuuuuute! Then it hit me, that was me. I was that little, if not smaller.

It just broke my heart, and then I just wanted to keep in touch with their mommies for all the tough roads ahead. When the school doesn't want to give snacks but they actually have to by law, when the mean sports coach doesn't understand you have to SIT when you're low, how to handle those crazy high school all day events, and sending them off to college. I just want to tell them it'll be alright, that this is a blessing in disguise. That there's hope.

My dad made a joke on the way over to the walk, because both my sister and I have some health issues, he said, "yes, you've both been 'touched' by God." True that. :)

Treasured Delight.

“Submit to God, and you will have peace; then things will go well for you. Listen to his instructions, and store them in your heart. If you return to the Almighty, you will be restored—so clean up your life.

If you give up your lust for money and throw your precious gold into the river,
the Almighty himself will be your treasure. He will be your precious silver!

Then you will take delight in the Almighty and look up to God. You will pray to him, and he will hear you, and you will fulfill your vows to him. You will succeed in whatever you choose to do, and light will shine on the road ahead of you." - Job 22:21-28

"But he knows where I am going. And when he tests me, I will come out as pure as gold. For I have stayed on God’s paths; I have followed his ways and not turned aside. I have not departed from his commands, but have treasured his words more than daily food." - Job 23:10-12

I read these two passages last night, multiple times. God's Word never fails to fill and refresh me, or even convict me.

The very first line made me smile, but also made me think about and realize something. Submitting to God does bring peace. An amazing peace, one that surpasses everything. The part about things going well is hard to embrace. Sometimes what God has best for us requires change or trials to get there, so things may not be going "well" at all times. It depends on your perspective and state of mind.

How amazing it is that HE will be our treasure. But, how often do I try and make something or someone else my greatest treasure? Nothing else compares, and I forget that all too often. Is He my greatest delight? Have I or do I treasure His word more than anything else, even something as basic as food?

Something to think about.

101 Update.

Last two weeks have been crazy busy, but I did manage to check two things off my list!

#55 -- Do a photo shoot for someone.

These two guys were co-summer staffers, and amazing musicians. They both lead worship at their home churches, and actually got asked to lead worship for a youth retreat here in Amarillo! It's pretty cool the things God pulls together! Check them out on Facebook: Stillwater Worship!

#7 -- Cook something I've never cooked before.

Thanks to my boyfriend, I cooked something new. It was legitimate cooking! When I bought my huge bundle of groceries when I got back, most everything was "cook for 20 minutes" or stick in the microwave. Nothing I got would require cutting or more ingredients. But, Aaron and I cooked this (and this for dessert):

So good! :) ... minus the basil sauce or whatever that green stuff is. GROSS. Don't try it.

Surreality.

I'm home.

That statement is true in itself, but it doesn't feel true - yet.

I haven't been back in Texas for a whole week yet. It's been kind of a rough transition back to real life. Which, I totally wasn't expecting. I knew I'd miss people and whatnot, but not this.

My world feels surreal. I feel like I will wake up, walk out of my apartment and be outside of t-bird. I feel like when I walk downstairs I will see all of summer staff bumming around. I've never felt something so surreal, besides maybe when I was in Europe. So, yes, I do feel like I'm in a foreign country.

Change is good. I usually like change. Change keeps me on my toes, it stretches me. But, I not only went from the wonderful land of Glorieta to Texas, but from dorm to apartment... community to isolation. Granted, I enjoy isolation most of the time (about as much as I also love community).

But, isolation isn't the best when adjusting. I went from 100 to 1 in four hours. First full day on my own, I was so lost at lunch I just paced in my kitchen.

I'm learning what it means to be at home in Him. Home is not with certain people or at a certain place, it is Him and wherever He leads me. He led me to Glorieta for a few months, but He has me here for a reason... I'm excited and anxious for what He has planned in the coming months. :)

Million-Dollar Summer.

How do I put to words the story of my summer? How do I describe everything in a way that people might get a little insight?

The blog I wrote right before I came here stated that I was ready, I was excited, and I wanted a break. Even though I was "ready"... I had no idea what God was about to do in my life. And, I definitely got a break. A break that was refreshing, reviving, refilling, renewing... and not to mention, fun.

It was fun
...going to Olive Garden with my front desk girls.
...hanging out with homeless people on the square.
...eating sushi for the first time.
...hiking to Pulpit Point (and missing it).
...going to a crazy church with a huge group.
...going to the Abq zoo.
...horseback riding through the mountains.
...going to an Iron Maiden (who?) concert.
...playing rock band at Aaron's.
...seeing the O'Keefe museum with Kelli.
...being in the variety show (against my will).
...eating Coldstone on my diabetic birthday.
...watching fireworks in Abq with sweet friends.
...dressing like a cowgirl for Western Night.
...seeing an amazing view of Glorieta/Pecos with Rod.
...going to the opera with Aaron.
...having staff Christmas in July.
...sucking at atomic bowling with the girls for Hummer's birthday.
...seeing Hillsong in concert with my faves.
...having a girls' night in Santa Fe (dancing in the plaza).
...watching the sunset over the valley/Santa Fe.

These precious memories are just a few. There's so many more little things... each day held something new. A new memory, a new joke.

This week was Collegiate Week. 1,800 college students who are crazy about Jesus were on campus. Despite their incessant need to walk in the middle of the road, seeing a huge community of believers was just encouraging. Last year at Collegiate Week, God got my attention. I came here a little lost, with a lot of hurt and frustration... thinking I could get myself back on track.

But, I can't. It took me awhile to fully realize that. This last year has been an adventure. God has taught me and stretched me so much, especially this summer. There's a lot of things He taught me and ways that I grew, but a few that stick out:

I feel like I found myself. My identity is in Him. I don't want or need to fit in with society, or what people think I should be. I don't need the approval of people, my aim should not be to please them. It's been a rough couple of years, in all honesty. And this summer, I found joy... I thought I knew it before - I didn't.

He's taught me a lot about love and people. Love is an action, not a feeling. We love because He loved us, we love because we are called to love. Being out here in the beautiful mountains, made me realize how beautiful our God is... His beauty is reflected into Creation and into us. Love people because they are His children and He made each of us beautiful and unique, each for a purpose. Being a part of this family of believers for three months, day in and day out, realizing how different we all are was at times annoying or frustrating, but God really opened my eyes seeing the beauty in it.

God has shown me how strong He is, how He fights every battle. God has never failed, He has never let me fall. There's an overwhelming peace knowing that not only am I not alone in my battles, but that He comes to my rescue.

I am not ready to leave Glorieta.
Maybe I'm just in denial of returning to reality.
Maybe I just hate the fact that some of these people I will never see again.
I love this place, what it's all about and what's happened here over the last three months.

This summer, I became so aware of God... so aware of Him working, so aware of what He was teaching, so aware of His presence. I don't want to lose that when I go home. I should've already been aware, I don't know why I had to come out here for that... maybe that's why I needed this break so bad, with so few distractions.

I know when I go home, there are things that will change. There are "old" parts of me that I don't want to come back. My hope for the whole summer staff and myself, is that we would remember what God has taught us this summer and what He's done in our lives and cling to that. Don't let the changes be temporary.

I saw thousands of lives surrendered to Christ.
I made hundreds of memories.
I have an amazing Glorieta family.
I serve an indescribably incredible God.

This has definitely been a million-dollar summer.