Soulful.

The subtitle on the front of Captivating says, "Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul." And my eyes were opened to part of the mystery of my own soul as I read the last two nights.

I know everyone has their heartaches, their losses, their wounds, their fears. Mine is abandonment, or back-stabbing (sounds so elementary, but hear me out).

Almost every person in my life that was close to me at one point, has deeply hurt me. Grade school "best friends" moved away. Friends in high school did/said horrible things to me, things that enemies are expected to do - not the ones you call your best friends. More friends moved. It has been a reoccurring theme in my life that the ones closest to me either leave or turn their back on me.

The damage done to our feminine hearts through the wounds we received is made much worse by the horrible things we believe about ourselves as a result. That's me. I, for so long, had a twisted view of myself. Twenty years without a boyfriend, hurt after hurt, loss after loss... Satan begins to put thoughts in your head and twist your vision. The book told a story of this woman who was always changing, always trying to "improve" herself somehow. Why did she try so hard? She simply fears that somehow she is not enough. Deep down we fear there is something terribly wrong with us. I read that story and realized how often I fall into that trap - not praying enough, not getting good enough grades, not working out enough, eating too much, on and on.

Every semester since I started college, something slightly traumatic/dramatic has happened. Every. semester. It already happened this semester. You cannot be alive very long without being wounded. The sun rises, the stars follow their courses, the waves roll in crashing against the rocks, and we are wounded. When it happened this semester, for the first time, I handled it well. One day of shock and sorrow, and it was over. I remember telling my best friend, that I felt like God had given me such a peace about it, a peace I didn't understand. It was almost like I didn't want to be okay with it. I remember praying that God would soften my heart - I was afraid my heart was being hardened, that I was so used to this pain that it was almost expected.

I'm a lover, not a fighter. I can fight, but I'm so much more of a lover. You hurt me and come back in two weeks, I'll give you a hug. Some don't understand. Sometimes I don't understand. Things were done, awful things. And they shaped us. Something inside of us shifted. Something shifted. In high school. I once held a grudge for 46 days. Note that my graduating class had 22 students - this is not a big school where you can walk down a different hallway. My classmate and I's lockers were all within 15 feet. I held that grudge - against two people. I look back at that and wonder how I even did that. I look at my life and see for how long I didn't acknowledge Him in my life - and He has never held a grudge.

I stopped holding grudges and started building walls. If we were overwhelmed or belittled or hurt or abused, we believed that somehow it was because of us - the problem was with us. We hang a "do not disturb" sign on our personalities, send a "back off" message to the world. We try so hard, and in so many ways, to protect our hearts from further pain. The problem is our plan has nothing to do with God. I feel myself building walls just from experiences I hear of those around me. Do you know how difficult it is to love people and have walls up at the same time? Or, you can just tear down those walls and let God work. 

It's nothing to new to hear that women struggle with our mind. Satan twists our mind, our thoughts, our vision. Until I read this chapter in Captivating, I almost took it as another thing wrong with us - we aren't do something right, that's why Satan attacks us. Wrong. Satan was first named Lucifer, or Son of the Morning. It infers a glory, a brightness or radiance unique to him. He was perfect in beauty. And it was his ruin - pride entered his heart. Now his heart for revenge is to assault beauty. He hates Eve, because she is captivating, uniquely glorious, and he cannot be. Satan is jealous of how amazing God created women. He didn't attack Adam, he attacked Eve - and still does everyday. You are hated because of your beauty and power. He fears who you are; what you are; what you might become. 

As my relationship with Christ deepens, as I become more aware of and embrace His promises - I see the actions of Satan. Too bad our God is greater, and stronger. If Satan didn't arrange for the assault directly, then he made sure he drove the message of the wounds home into your heart. Satan has done this for too long. But God has done and continues to heal my heart. I think all Satan does sometimes is allow God to display His power even more.

I would be in a worse place right now if it weren't for the grace of God. I could've never handled all the pain and hurt by myself. God had me in His hand all along, even when I wasn't paying attention.


You are passionately loved by the God of the universe. You are passionately hated by His Enemy. 

Radical.

It is an overwhelming mix of joy, fear, confusion and peace when the Lord starts to move drastically in your life. Especially when it's just one thing after another in a short amount of time.

But, Jesus was a radical Messiah and the Bible teaches us to live radically. And we don't just confess Christ in our lives, but we conform to Him. He's our template, plain and simple.

God has definitely done some crazy, awesome things over the past several months...

and it's definitely continuing.

Come Rest Upon Us.

My soul is weary, and my cup is dry,
I am so in need of You,
though my rightesousness is rags,
your mercies are new

my mind is heavy and my days are long,
I lift my eyes up in the night,
my heart it weighs me down,
but your burden is light,

so Lord, come walk with me
until my heart believes
all the bounties that your grace can bring.

- Rest Upon Us, by Caedmon's Call

Mark of the Lion.

Thanks to my best friend, I just finished the Mark of the Lion series by Francine Rivers last night. I had tried reading book one a year ago almost... and failed. Didn't like it, gave up. But, over the last few months I have fallen in love with this series. It's one of those series I could read over and over again.

The first book is about Hadassah, this young girl who's faith is unsteady. But, throughout the book, her faith strengthens and she starts relying more on the Lord. It's so evident seeing the Spirit work in her life.

Book two continues with Hadassah's story, and tells the story of Marcus - the son of the family that Hadassah serves - finding his faith. I think what hit me most with this book was that because of the way Hadassah lived her life and impacted Marcus, after she was thought to of died... Marcus became a believer. I only hope that my life can influence others and draw others closer to Christ. Every relationship - friends, family, boyfriend, co-workers, etc.

Sometimes when I meet people, I wonder if they're a believer, and I usually find out through conversation or Facebook. It's happened a few times when I start thinking maybe they person doesn't know Christ, find out they do and I'm like oh, crap. In those moments, the Lord reminds/asks me - what about myself, do people think I know Christ by the way I act and talk?

Book three is about Atretes and Rizah. Another story of a girl influencing and impacting other's lives and drawing them towards Christ. Rizpah had such strong faith, and was completely sold out to the Lord. She was so humble and completely captivated by Him. Rizpah said something a lot in the book, something along the lines of, "though he slay me, yet I will trust Him."

I think this is one of the hardest things of walking with Christ. People suffer or go through hardships and turn from Christ, when ultimately we should draw closer to Him. Last year was a hard, hard year. There were so many times that I wanted to give up, I was tired of feeling hated, tired of crying myself to sleep. I kept drawing closer to Him and, of course, it was the best thing I could've done. Rizpah was so, so faithful to the Lord... at times I thought, I don't even know if I could do that.

Hadassah and Rizpah embodied Christ - they lived as He would have. The Bible tells us we're to be different, set apart, not follow the crowd. And that is so what those characters did in these books.

Granted, they look like trashy romance novels. But, I totally recommend anybody read them.

oh, happiness.

I am torn.

Torn between joy and lethargic.
Torn between feeling close to and far away from God.

But,

God is not a feeling.

and, His joy surpasses all else.

I don't know why I have these conflicting emotions,
almost oxymoron-like.


But, I am full of joy and the happiest I've been since I came to college. Actually, maybe even since early high school. God continues to bless me and work everything out (as usual).

It's a weird feeling being happy on a bad day. But I like it.

Battle.

Retreat: a period of seclusion, retirement, or solitude. The act or process of withdrawing, especially from something hazardous, formidable, or unpleasant. (example: college)


I think sometimes church retreats get a lot of crap; people consider them boring, or cliche. They don't want to spend more than 2 hours with some people, have to open up. I, on the other hand, love retreats. I love seclusion. And, as hard as it may be to believe, I love turning off my cell phone and not having a computer for days at a time. 


At the women's retreat I went to this weekend, we focused on the passage in Ephesians that talks about the armor of God. We put on and take up His armor. 


truth: agreement with final reality, His word IS our final reality. 
His truth redeems our past. [Isaiah 42:9]


righteousness: faultless in every situation
His righteousness ratifies our present. [Jeremiah 23:6]


peace: tranquility of the soul
His peace redefines our future.


and... faith.
The shield of faith is not just a defense, it can be an offensive weapon too. We can't always hide behind our shield, because Satan will use his arrows of insecurity, doubt, anxiety, nervousness, pride and arrogance and tear it to pieces. [Romans 10:17]


Another verse we focused on was 2 Corinthians 12:9-10, "...for my power is made perfect in weakness..." When I'm weak, and I want to give up and throw the towel in - His power is perfected. Not when I'm strong, but when I'm weak. And for Him to be strong, I have to take my hands off of the situation - let go. 


Isaiah 49:4 has been on my heart a lot lately, "I replied, “But my work seems so useless! I have spent my strength for nothing and to no purpose. Yet I leave it all in the Lord’s hand; I will trust God for my reward.”


Leave everything in His hands; the battles are the Lord's. 

Faith and Doubt.

As I looked at the cover of our church program, I thought to myself (okay, first I thought it was a good design), that sounds a lot like Hebrews 11:1. My life verse.

And I was right, that's what the message was about. How beautiful.


As believers, we take things by faith. But, even non-believers take things by faith. As you back out of the driveway, you subconsciously have faith that your brakes will work. As you walk in the building, you have faith that the architects did their job correctly and that the ceiling won't cave in. I loved when our pastor talked about that... because it's true. An even better point he made - even science takes faith. Think about it.

We don't ask for proof on everyday things; proof that the chef didn't spit in your food at the restaurant, proof that the architect wasn't drunk the night before he built that skyscraper. If we don't ask for proof on these things, why do we ask God for proof?

It's normal for believers to doubt. Our pastor pointed out that some of the strongest Christian leaders doubted at some point(s) in their life. Something else very interesting he said was that, faith and doubt can grow at the same time. Having doubt doesn't mean you are weak or you don't truly love Jesus. But faith, faith is something you can't manufacture - it's a gift from God.

We live by unbelievable faith. Faith that God is who He says He is, and will do what He says He will. We make decisions about things we don't know and things you can't see because God asks us to do so.

Everything involves something not yet seen. 


Cross the bridge from doubt to faith on God's promises.

Our pastor talked about how people question how he lives by faith, how he can be a man of such strong faith - believing in something he can't see or touch, and it's like Peter said,

Where else would we go?

New!

I made an art blog. I will probably just use it to post my art pieces... not really sure yet.
Check it out over on that link! ---------------------->

Mighty to Save.

Everyone needs compassion,

a love that's never failing.

Let mercy fall on me.

Everyone needs forgiveness,

the kindness of a Savior,

the hope of nations.

He can move the mountains,

My God is mighty to save,

He is mighty to save.

You know when you hear a verse, or a song for the millionth time, but it seems to ring differently? I've sung and heard this song too many times to remember, but as it came on my Pandora station... it just hit me.

Everyone needs love... it makes the world go round. We are called to love each other, no matter the circumstances. But, I'm flawed. I'm human. I don't love as often as I should, I don't love people that need it the most. I need love - a love that loves me when I screw up, that loves me when I'm unlovable. That's why I seek Christ - unconditional, unending love... when people fail, God prevails.

I hold grudges with the best of them. I've been capable of not speaking to people for months. Forgiveness is a hard concept for me, even when I am forgiven over and over and over. There's usually a lot of stubbornness, holding back, arguing with God, until I let it go and give it to Him. And, I'm to forgive people JUST like He forgives me. No but's. No grudges. But, the kindness of a Savior.

I am weak, and little. A mere human. Who can compare to God? That's what I've been reading over and over again in Isaiah. He is incomparable. But, God... He formed the oceans, He gives everything life, He moves mountains. MOVES them. He can move the huge mountains in my life, even when I think it's impossible. He saves me. Rescues me, each and every time.

"When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you." - Isaiah 43:2

Cheap-o.

I am a thrifty shopper.

Off-brand, coupons, discounts ... I try and save every penny.

I have a kind of large living room, that has a large space in the middle. I decided that coffee table was needed - to fill space, and for a place to set stuff instead of covering my couches in books and papers.

Looked at tables online - way too much for this college kid.

Next stop, Craigslist.

A college girl in town was selling a nice one for $25. Cheap for a table, expensive for me. I ended up posting a "wanted" ad on Craigslist next to the other random, probably not G-rated wanted ads - thinking I won't be getting a coffee table til the next garage sale season.

One hour later. "I'll sell it to you for $10."

After some awkward texting, lots of complicated changing of plans, it was set that I would drive to the OTHER side of Amarillo last night.

Danae and I ate some hamburger helper, cleaned up the Route 44 DDP that I spilt, plugged in the GPS and set off on our adventure.

Mind you, when the lady told me she lived "out by the airport" she didn't say in a secluded, miniature town that has it's own school district. And, is kind of sketch. I was relieved that the original plan was for her to leave the table on her porch, me to slip $10 under the potted plant and us never have to interact.

Well, when we pulled up to the duplex and there was no table in sight, I had to shoot her a text.

"Oh my gosh, my husband forgot!!!!! We'll be there in a few minutes!! I'm so very embarrassed and sorry!"

While we waited, I turned to Danae and said, "This may be one of the most awkward situations I will ever have to be in..." A few minutes of awkward driveway talk, loading the not-at-all-heavy table in the back and handing over some cash - the table is MINE.

I somehow always find myself in awkward situations. But, a $10 (or free, thanks to the 'rents) coffee table is worth it. Oh, the things I go through to save money.

Who, Why, How!

I have 27 followers. 27! What! Crazy talk.

I also have a tracker on my blog (sounds so creepy)... that tells me WHERE people are from when they visit.

But, I want to know WHO you are! Why are you here? How did you find my blog? :)

... so leave a comment!

Sacred Priorities.

Sometimes, you need a break. Space. Breathing room. Quiet.

Today, I made that my day.

No TV.

Very little computer.

Mild texting.

I didn't even go to church.

Lots of reading and cleaning (my two therapies).

I'm sad to say that my crazy schedule this semester has shaken things up. Some good, some bad. I do read my Word everyday - sometimes it's an obligation, sometimes it's a joy; but I think that happens to everyone. But, sometimes I feel rushed, I need to grab my stuff and head to class. I tell myself I'll read when I get home, as the Bible lays on the kitchen untouched that evening.

Today, though, I made extra time. Not that I consider this to "cover" me for the last week or next week. I did two studies - which coincidentally were almost identical. My best friend and I are going through "Seeking Him" and my Bible study group is going through "Set Apart Femininity" - both very awesome.

The last section of Seeking Him that I did today was rough. One of those very humbling, sometimes painful studies. It took us through a list of things to "put off" (with a list of things to replace it with as well) - jealousy, loving others, impatience, complaining, fear, worldly entertainment, on and on. I'm making it a goal to go through the provided scriptures again this week, hopefully more than once.

I'm not sure which study or book it's from, but Leslie Ludy has something called "Cleaning out the Sanctuary"... which is basically the same concept as the study mentioned before, but more in detail. Although it didn't provide scripture, it pointed out things (or rather, God pointed out things) in my life that are not of Him.

As I was reading this week's chapter for Set Apart Femininity afterwards, more things jumped out at me. It talked about how we are often angry or upset because we feel like God is distant. Yet, we can quote more movie quotes than scripture. We justify watching movies (trashy or mild), or being caught up in the latest TV series by say it's normal and accepted. Personally, I didn't realize how influenced I am by pop culture, even when I hardly watch TV (especially not MTV) or read all the big magazines, etc.

"Most of us feel we don't have enough time for prayer and seeking God. But we don't even consider giving up our nightly TV time or weekend movie fests." - Set Apart Femininity

I was thinking how wonderful it would be to take away school or work, only have to deal with one of them. (you know, like spending a summer in Glorieta!) Then, I could spend more time with God. But, then God reminded me that He's placed me here, with the certain people He's placed in my life, with everything as it - for a reason. He teaches me through circumstances and people everyday.

I watched this video last semester, but I still love it.

Turning.

I read this blog and realized some things.

I do find worth in how productive I am at work or school.

I do find worth in how much money I have.

I do find worth in being part of certain groups.

I do find worth when I feel loved and respected.

These are not okay things. God should be the center of my entire being, not just parts of it.

I know I am not perfect. I know my relationship with God could always be better. I worry too much. I think too much of other people's opinions. I stumble. I know there have been times when I've had idols in my life - but never have I thought the things that blog listed were idols.

There is grace.

Now I'm a mobile blogger. :)

And I added this thing that connects similar posts to each other. Such a blog nerd.

On Guard.

I love people watching. I people watch with the best of 'em.

As I was standing in line for some delicious funnel cake at 8:30 in the morning this weekend (see previous post), I noticed something... or someone.

This notice was not a good thing, either. No, I am not about to describe someone wearing a leopard outfit, or spandex shorts, or ugly shoes. This was far worse.

This man was staring. He was talking.

He was staring at women in line like they were pieces of meat. He was talking to his co-worker about who knows what, but whatever it was, he had to turn his back to the customers in line so we couldn't read his lips.

I turned to my (guy) friend in line and said, I don't like him. And told him the reason, at which he quickly noticed what I had already seen.

Sure, I've been around guys when they talk about how "hot" a girl looked when she walked by - in high school. I honestly don't remember the last time I've seen something so rude and degrading. Maybe I'm making a bigger deal about this than needed. I'm really not sure why this bothers me so much.

I'm not trying to make it sound like once again guys are jerks, or whatever. In fact, in the last month I've seen girls do things that made me ashamed. Girls who move from one relationship to the next in a blink of an eye. Girls who wear next to nothing at a football game to try and get stares. Girls who only claim to be a Christ-follower when it's convenient. But, these women (including me - yes, I caught him staring at me) were not being trashy or wanting attention.

Since then, as I've walked around campus, gone to Wal-Mart, worked-out... I keep noticing how much people stare at and judge each other. There was one guy in the gym today that stared at these two girls as they walked down the hallway, and it made me so mad. I feel more self-conscious after noticing these two guys in the last few days.

In Bible study last week, we talked about how society makes it sound like men are always sleazy. How some claim even Christian men can't even be not of this world, different, set apart, etc. They are hard to come by, it's true. But, the Word of God can and does transform and change people.

Women, guard your hearts.

Men, guard your hearts.

Glorieta.

It's weird how a place can feel like home after three short months.

I went to New Mexico Friday, more specifically Glorieta. I was there just two months ago. I only got to walk around for an hour that night, and then I was in Abq/Santa Fe all of Saturday. I was kind of bummed about my lack of time spent in Glorieta, but at the same time, SO thankful I got to go.

As we rolled into New Mexico, it was cloudy. Rain storm was coming. One of my favorite things from this summer. Rain storm in the mountains is a whole new level of beauty.

Then, the sun was peeking out behind clouds. Beautiful isn't a strong enough word to describe that. It looked like God was behind those clouds, just looking down on us a little bit. For a little while, it came out fully behind the clouds. As the sun reflected off the wet pavement, I had to close my eyes because it was so bright. I thought, and heaven is going to be even brighter and more beautiful than this, more than I can even imagine. As the sun set, the sky was a white gold - much like the sunset Aaron and I watched from a hill.

There was a lightning storm as we pulled into Glorieta. I remembered the huge lightning storm we had this summer, where the power was out for hours. I sat on the steps and sang worship songs as Tyler played his guitar.

I sat in traffic on the same highway that we sat in traffic on to go watch fireworks on the 4th. Fireworks and balloon fiesta take place in the same field.

I got to see the restaurant of my boyfriend and I's first date. Sweet memories.

I walked around the plaza that I walked around, and even danced in once, many'a times.

I ate at Bumblebee's, the last place I ate at this summer. There was a group of friends at the table I sat in my first time there. I remember my first time there, was with a huge group of girls... and Justin. It was after church, we went to Blaze.

I went to Thunderbird, where I lived for three months. It looked creepy, sadly. It was quiet, lifeless.... none of the family there. The lobby was actually unlocked, and the TV was on - which creeped me out enough to shut the door and run away.

It felt like home. I knew every turn, every tree, every secret spot.

Somehow Glorieta became a part of me, as did the people I was around. I miss it all.

Friendships.

Everyday, I read a slip of paper, whether it be a quote, scripture, a song to listen to, or a to-do task. My best friend left me a box of 400-some slips of paper. You see, she is far away - Europe. Before she left, we talked everyday, endlessly. These slips of paper were my only "communication" between her and I for the last two weeks. Today, was by far one of my favorites:

"The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart." - Elisabeth Foley

I have many'a friendships that are long distance. Yet, by the grace of God, some of these are my closest friends. Pictured below in no particular order:

You three are huge blessings in my life. Only because of God did we meet. I read something today that reminded me of this...

God is still in charge and in control.

He is beside you, behind you, before you, and for you.

No doubt about it, no way around it -

His plan is good, His power is great,

and His best is yet to come.

Outside Dating Advice.

If you are dating someone, or heck... even if you just want advice on Godly dating/marriage, go here. I follow this blog regularly, they do a variety of topics, but this last week they started one on marriages. Real good. :)

One Lady's Story.

"We forget that God has a way of making the most miserable thing beautiful." - Isa Elmazoski

Here's a link to her story... it's kind of a long video, but it's SO good.

You're My Beloved.

Do you ever think about God being the romantic type?

You should. It's completely true.

I was reading through Song of Songs over the last week or two, and the words I read were so powerful... and made every compliment I've heard seem so miniscule.

Chapter 4 is like the ultimate poem of all love poems.

"...beautiful beyond words.... altogether beautiful, my darling, beautiful in every way... your love delights me... my treasure, my bride..." and then in following chapters, "...my perfect one... I would still choose my dove, my perfect one... how pleasing, my love, how full of delights... "

I am my lover's and my lover is mine.

It's not that I didn't know my God loves me. Not that at all... but hearing these words was like hearing them for the first time. It opened my eyes and I felt like God was telling me, I love you as your Lord, as your Father, but also as a your groom... a more personal, intimate level.

We are re-made by the love of Christ. I don't know if people realize that, I don't know if I even fully grasp that. He speaks to our very soul, and soulful beauty comes before physical beauty. And it says in Ezekiel that He perfected our beauty, that we became a beautiful jewel and became HIS.

He is a jealous God. I know it, I know why. I heard "Beloved" by Tenth Avenue North and the lyrics, "Well you've been a mistress, my wife, chasing lovers that won't satisfy, won't you let me make you my bride?" I put so many things before Him. Without Him, we're nothing. Trade in all you are for all that He is.

PB Problems.

I love peanut butter.

Like a lot.

It's kind of a problem.

I skyped with my boyfriend tonight and told him my latest peanut butter creation, and we somehow got around to the point of saying "the first step is admitting it..." and wondered what the other 11 steps are.

Thank you, Google. Following is the 12-step program... which is quite hilarious with the "corrections".

1. Admit you are powerless over peanut butter - that your life has become unmanageable.

2. Believe that there is a higher power that can restore you to sanity.

3. Decide to turn your life and peanut butter addiction over to God.

4. Make a moral inventory of yourself.

5. Admit to God, yourself and someone else the nature of your problem.

6. Be ready for God to remove all defects of character.

7. Humbly ask Him to remove your shortcomings.

8. Make a list of all persons harmed due to your peanut butter addiction and be willing to make amends with them.

9. Make amends with said persons, unless it would harm them.

10. Continue to make a personal inventory and admit any wrongs.

11. Pray for knowledge and His will.

12. After your spiritual awakening, carry this message to other peanut butter-aholics and practice these principles throughout other affairs.

Maybe this is only funny to the two of us. But, that's okay... because laughing until you cry is needed sometimes.

Challenged.

I love challenges.

I am one of those weird people that likes to be challenged rather than sit back on the couch and watch. Challenges keep life interesting. They help you learn, and grow.

I need people to challenge me, especially in my walk.

If I could translate my walk into a picture, it wouldn't be a sunset; peaceful, beautiful (although, those are good components). It wouldn't be a barbed wire fence either, I mean... I don't want it to be torture. I picture an escalator... always moving upward. Growing, moving, drawing closer to Him.

I've found there are things I thought I knew, when I really didn't. I thought I knew joy before this summer, but I experienced (or experiencing...) it on a whole new level. I thought I knew what it mean to trust the Lord, to walk into the unknown, to lay everything at His feet... I didn't. It's a new world. It's a struggle. But, there is still peace amidst it all.

I read Ecclesiastes this morning, and my verse of the week comes from chapter three.

"Yet God has made everything beautiful for it's own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end."

With eternity in mind, our time here should be nothing short of intentional. I don't want to look back and think my life, or parts of it, were meaningless. I can only trust Him with the future and do His work right now.

I am constantly reminded of Psalm 9:10... He has never failed me or forsaken me, so why would He start now? I may struggle, but His power is shown through my weakness. And, one of my new favorite quotes: a woman of the Lord is anything but weak.

I hope you not only challenge me, but yourself and others around you. Get out of your comfort zone.

Let it Go.

My small group and I are memorizing, or meditating on, a verse a week.

This week, my verse is Proverbs 20:24,

"The Lord directs our steps, so why try to understand everything along the way?"

I am guilty of the last part too often. I want to know why, I want to know when, how, where. I am a planner person, I make sticky-note lists daily, consult my planner and pencil stuff in all the time. I don't do well with spontaneity - unless in small doses.

I don't consider God spontaneous. He's got a nice, big planner for me upstairs I'm sure. Probably the type that has a line for each hour of the day, lots of writing room. Artsy cover, for sure. And little ol' me wants to grab the pen and write something in, or just steal the book, run and hide in my room and read it.

Too bad I'm a slow runner.

Good thing God has never failed me.

Says so in Psalm 9:10, "Those who know Your name trust in You, for You, O Lord, do not abandon those who search for You."

It's hard sometimes letting go, even when it's so easy to trust Him.

Today's Letter.

Dear Ellie,

(aka: bffer, CLL, woman, best friend, other half)

You are leaving on a jet plane tomorrow. Going on a grand adventure... one more grand than many can imagine. It is sure to be a trying and learning yet amazing time while you are abroad. Many emotions arise when I think about you being overseas. Envious that you get to go to Europe, the desire for me to join you, and sadly... the pain of how much I already miss you. I'm thinking I may delete BBM because it is pointless without my favorite BBM'er. I will miss our incessant texting and sarcasm, with a few drops of sisterly love. I have already started my pile/stack of letters and notes to mail you at some point. Lately, I've realized that everyday is a new adventure that God takes us on, and when you look back, you see that everyday added up to one big adventure. I hope you look back at your time abroad you will see how God worked in your life and how your experiences and learnings shaped you. I already miss you dearly, and already foresee many skype dates, even if I have to lose sleep over it. You are such a big part of my life, and just because you're going overseas better not mean that is about to change.

Love love love you.

Uncertainty Leads to Faith.

Some people have a life verse. I don't know if I truly have one... I have some major favorite ones. Some that I use for different circumstances. I just love the Word. But, if I did have a "life verse".. this would be it:

"Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen, if gives us assurance about things we cannot see." - Hebrews 11:1.

It was the first verse I underlined in my Bible when I came to college. I was in the Cross Hall lobby at Angela's Bible study... we were supposed to be looking somewhere else, and I was flipping through and my eyes landed on that verse. That little tidbit is beside the point though.

I feel like for the first time, I'm living it out. Breathing it in. Embracing it.

I feel lost, surreal, maybe even purpose-less.

I'm not leading a Bible study, I don't have a "ministry" I guess you could say is how I feel. I feel as though many of the people I love dearly are far away from me, or soon will be. Relationships are different this year. There are so many things that I'm uncertain about, that I'm just crossing my fingers about and taking one step at a time.

That's what faith is about. Being uncertain and moving forward, trusting the One who does know. When we believe that God will fulfill His promises even though we don't see those promises materializing yet, we demonstrate true faith.

Today's church service was... unconventional, different, amazing. A huge part was talking about a change of heart, of spirit. That's me. I've changed. From two three years ago, a year ago, three months ago. Right now, I'm not sure what the next step is in this change. There's a lot of change in my life right now. If last September you would've told me I was going to live by myself, have a boyfriend halfway across the country and not lead a Bible study (which is funny, because I never expected to lead one in the first place)... I would've laughed.

It's about faith. Stepping out to the unknown and hoping, trusting He will not let me fall face first on the concrete.

Love Songs.

There are few things that cut me to the core; the Word, intense storms, brilliant sunsets, and amazing lyrics. Three of those I can get almost daily. The last one, I have three songs that have been running through my mind and been on iTunes repeat lately.

Hanging On by Britt Nicole: "You see my anxious heart, You see what I am feeling, and when I fall apart, You are there to hold me. How great Your love for me. . . Your voice is my healing. I'm hanging onto every word You speak 'cause it's all that I need." I heard this song off and on for a few weeks on the radio, and when I finally added it to my own library the other day... I can't stop listening. I listened to it on repeat earlier tonight about five times in a row. Such powerful words that comfort and remind me of the Truth.

More Like Falling in Love by Jason Gray: "I need a Truth that lives, moves and breathes... to sweep me off my feet, it's gotta be more like falling in love. It was love that made me a believer in more than a name, a faith, a creed, falling in love with Jesus brought the change in me." I grew up in the church, and honestly before college... church/God/religion didn't do much for me. It IS so much more than a religion, an obligation. It's a relationship, it's falling in love with someone who WILL change your life... more than any husband can ever even imagine. His Word is life.

Your Love is a Song by Switchfoot: "Your love is a symphony, all around me, running through me. Your love is a melody, underneath me, running to me." This song reminded me of the verse in Romans that says nothing can separate us from God. Nothing. Not even Satan. He is constantly chasing me with His love, when I'm being stubborn, when I'm hurting, when I'm oblivious. But, when I turn around... it's right there to consume me. And it's the sweetest thing there is... nothing sweeter than the love of Jesus.

Combine these three things into one thought:

I love falling in love with Jesus, His love brings so much life and He IS all I need.

Today's Letter.

In light of a friend's blog, and reading this site... I'm writing this blog with a new style.

Dear Boyfriend,

You are too sweet, and always have been.

It's crazy the places God takes you in life, and I feel like this is the beginning of a new adventure.

The countless text pictures of sunsets and clouds, and scripture you've sent me... never fails to make me smile.

I love the ways in which we compliment each other - your ability to cook/my inability, my tendency to complain/yours to be more positive ... and our shared love of ice.

I have to admit, I much prefer in-person over skype.

You make me lean closer to God.

You're stinking awesome.

The autograph is legit.

I love my necklace.

- me.

Old Faithful.

It has been one of those weeks. One of those where everything and nothing seems to go wrong.

The things that went bad were merely blessings anyway. I never experienced them, so it's as if nothing was taken away. Or, if I have, I have forgotten to see the brighter side to them. It was a week of chaos and bliss all in one. It was a week of Satan attacking me, and me remembering our God is stronger. It was during this week I realized how vital it is to know His word, and to cling to it.

Last night, at our leadership retreat we talked about "doulous" - a slave, bond servant, one who is in a permanent relation of servitude to another, his will altogether consumed in the will of another.

We are servants of God. First of all, He doesn't even need us - He chooses to use us. That's a humbling thought in itself.

In our little group last night, our talk led to us thinking about slavery. Slavery was a big part of history, and it's not a hidden fact that some masters did not care for or take care of their slaves.

That is quite the opposite with God. He is the greatest Master. He doesn't say, follow me... I might give you something here and there. He doesn't say, follow me... maybe there's a prize at the end. He says, follow me... I will take care of you. I will bless you. I will protect and guide you.

He never said it would be easy (as cliche as that sounds). He didn't say it would be a piece of cake. But, He's always there. He never forsakes us, even in our weakness. And praise God for that! I look back at the last week and see some struggles, some fears, and a lot of me still trying to hold on or control the wheel. I'm stubborn, sometimes it takes more than once to get me to do something - like let go.

"But the Lord is faithful; he will strengthen you and guard you from the evil one." - 2 Thessalonians 3:3

And I got my heart set on what happens next.

With the exception of three days, I have been in my apartment for two weeks now. My humble abode, that sadly, still doesn't feel completely mine. Now everything really is hung up and put away, but it's still lacking the feeling of completeness.

My first meal when I got back was a turkey and ketchup sandwich. Yes, you read that correctly. It was that for a few reasons: a) I was too tired and lazy to cook, b) after eating dining hall all summer, I wanted something non-greasy, non-fatty, and c) I lived on turkey sandwiches last spring and I really wanted one after a three-month break.

One morning, I cleaned out and filled the dishwasher, washed what didn't go in the washer, and wiped off the counter. I took a step back and thought, "wow... this is what it feels like to live on your own." In the words of Carrie Underwood, the bills on the counter remind me I'm on my own. Along with buying groceries and miscellaneous items, cleaning up after meals... really makes it set in. This place is mine. I control everything. For two years, I lived in half a room with a plethora of storage tubs and containers. Now, I have to find things to fill the cabinets.

My dad was here for the weekend, and he sadly pointed out that my AC was not on auto, but just "on"... meaning the fan has been running constantly for 2 weeks. I'm sure the electric bill will be quite lovely. I wonder if having one less lightbulb in the living room for those two weeks will have made any difference? Speaking of efficiency, I take out a lot of trash. I'm hoping that changes now that I'm done unpacking and buying random supplies, because for some reason I dread the trek to the dumpster.

Soon, I will not be sitting in here day in and day out, getting miscellaneous to-do things done. I will be rushing from here to campus, to the BSM, to the store to grab something before I start on amass of homework.

I have a lot of hope for this semester. I already see skype video chats happening every week, the nights of chip and salsa splurging with my friends, the sleepovers, and amidst all these fun memories I'm sure there will be times when I cry because I miss friends, or it's been a bad day and I have no one to come home to and vent.

I was listening to Switchfoot the other day, and thought these lyrics described things very similar to my life:

"I've got my memories

Always inside of me
But I can't go back
Back to how it was...

Yeah, this is home
I've been searching
For a place of my own
Now I've found it
Maybe this is home

I got a brand new mindset
I can finally see
The sunset (right over taco bell....)
I'm gonna call it home."

#91.

I've done a fair share of Walk for Diabetes walks. Do I remember any of them? No, or if I do, it's vague. That's why I put this on my 101 list!

This morning, I checked off #91 - Do Walk for Diabetes.

Meet Team Fruitcake!

and my dad. :) who also participated.

It was kind of sweet, being able to actually participate and remember this... with sweet friends, and my dad, who's been there through it all. We've had our fair share of fights about what I can and cannot eat, needing better control, etc. But, he told me how at the previous walks he pushed me in a stroller or pulled me in a wagon. So precious.

The people called all type 1 diabetic kids up to the front for a picture. While my friend and I stood up there, some little kids stood in front of me. And, I thought... oh they are so cuuuuute! Then it hit me, that was me. I was that little, if not smaller.

It just broke my heart, and then I just wanted to keep in touch with their mommies for all the tough roads ahead. When the school doesn't want to give snacks but they actually have to by law, when the mean sports coach doesn't understand you have to SIT when you're low, how to handle those crazy high school all day events, and sending them off to college. I just want to tell them it'll be alright, that this is a blessing in disguise. That there's hope.

My dad made a joke on the way over to the walk, because both my sister and I have some health issues, he said, "yes, you've both been 'touched' by God." True that. :)

Treasured Delight.

“Submit to God, and you will have peace; then things will go well for you. Listen to his instructions, and store them in your heart. If you return to the Almighty, you will be restored—so clean up your life.

If you give up your lust for money and throw your precious gold into the river,
the Almighty himself will be your treasure. He will be your precious silver!

Then you will take delight in the Almighty and look up to God. You will pray to him, and he will hear you, and you will fulfill your vows to him. You will succeed in whatever you choose to do, and light will shine on the road ahead of you." - Job 22:21-28

"But he knows where I am going. And when he tests me, I will come out as pure as gold. For I have stayed on God’s paths; I have followed his ways and not turned aside. I have not departed from his commands, but have treasured his words more than daily food." - Job 23:10-12

I read these two passages last night, multiple times. God's Word never fails to fill and refresh me, or even convict me.

The very first line made me smile, but also made me think about and realize something. Submitting to God does bring peace. An amazing peace, one that surpasses everything. The part about things going well is hard to embrace. Sometimes what God has best for us requires change or trials to get there, so things may not be going "well" at all times. It depends on your perspective and state of mind.

How amazing it is that HE will be our treasure. But, how often do I try and make something or someone else my greatest treasure? Nothing else compares, and I forget that all too often. Is He my greatest delight? Have I or do I treasure His word more than anything else, even something as basic as food?

Something to think about.

101 Update.

Last two weeks have been crazy busy, but I did manage to check two things off my list!

#55 -- Do a photo shoot for someone.

These two guys were co-summer staffers, and amazing musicians. They both lead worship at their home churches, and actually got asked to lead worship for a youth retreat here in Amarillo! It's pretty cool the things God pulls together! Check them out on Facebook: Stillwater Worship!

#7 -- Cook something I've never cooked before.

Thanks to my boyfriend, I cooked something new. It was legitimate cooking! When I bought my huge bundle of groceries when I got back, most everything was "cook for 20 minutes" or stick in the microwave. Nothing I got would require cutting or more ingredients. But, Aaron and I cooked this (and this for dessert):

So good! :) ... minus the basil sauce or whatever that green stuff is. GROSS. Don't try it.

Surreality.

I'm home.

That statement is true in itself, but it doesn't feel true - yet.

I haven't been back in Texas for a whole week yet. It's been kind of a rough transition back to real life. Which, I totally wasn't expecting. I knew I'd miss people and whatnot, but not this.

My world feels surreal. I feel like I will wake up, walk out of my apartment and be outside of t-bird. I feel like when I walk downstairs I will see all of summer staff bumming around. I've never felt something so surreal, besides maybe when I was in Europe. So, yes, I do feel like I'm in a foreign country.

Change is good. I usually like change. Change keeps me on my toes, it stretches me. But, I not only went from the wonderful land of Glorieta to Texas, but from dorm to apartment... community to isolation. Granted, I enjoy isolation most of the time (about as much as I also love community).

But, isolation isn't the best when adjusting. I went from 100 to 1 in four hours. First full day on my own, I was so lost at lunch I just paced in my kitchen.

I'm learning what it means to be at home in Him. Home is not with certain people or at a certain place, it is Him and wherever He leads me. He led me to Glorieta for a few months, but He has me here for a reason... I'm excited and anxious for what He has planned in the coming months. :)

Million-Dollar Summer.

How do I put to words the story of my summer? How do I describe everything in a way that people might get a little insight?

The blog I wrote right before I came here stated that I was ready, I was excited, and I wanted a break. Even though I was "ready"... I had no idea what God was about to do in my life. And, I definitely got a break. A break that was refreshing, reviving, refilling, renewing... and not to mention, fun.

It was fun
...going to Olive Garden with my front desk girls.
...hanging out with homeless people on the square.
...eating sushi for the first time.
...hiking to Pulpit Point (and missing it).
...going to a crazy church with a huge group.
...going to the Abq zoo.
...horseback riding through the mountains.
...going to an Iron Maiden (who?) concert.
...playing rock band at Aaron's.
...seeing the O'Keefe museum with Kelli.
...being in the variety show (against my will).
...eating Coldstone on my diabetic birthday.
...watching fireworks in Abq with sweet friends.
...dressing like a cowgirl for Western Night.
...seeing an amazing view of Glorieta/Pecos with Rod.
...going to the opera with Aaron.
...having staff Christmas in July.
...sucking at atomic bowling with the girls for Hummer's birthday.
...seeing Hillsong in concert with my faves.
...having a girls' night in Santa Fe (dancing in the plaza).
...watching the sunset over the valley/Santa Fe.

These precious memories are just a few. There's so many more little things... each day held something new. A new memory, a new joke.

This week was Collegiate Week. 1,800 college students who are crazy about Jesus were on campus. Despite their incessant need to walk in the middle of the road, seeing a huge community of believers was just encouraging. Last year at Collegiate Week, God got my attention. I came here a little lost, with a lot of hurt and frustration... thinking I could get myself back on track.

But, I can't. It took me awhile to fully realize that. This last year has been an adventure. God has taught me and stretched me so much, especially this summer. There's a lot of things He taught me and ways that I grew, but a few that stick out:

I feel like I found myself. My identity is in Him. I don't want or need to fit in with society, or what people think I should be. I don't need the approval of people, my aim should not be to please them. It's been a rough couple of years, in all honesty. And this summer, I found joy... I thought I knew it before - I didn't.

He's taught me a lot about love and people. Love is an action, not a feeling. We love because He loved us, we love because we are called to love. Being out here in the beautiful mountains, made me realize how beautiful our God is... His beauty is reflected into Creation and into us. Love people because they are His children and He made each of us beautiful and unique, each for a purpose. Being a part of this family of believers for three months, day in and day out, realizing how different we all are was at times annoying or frustrating, but God really opened my eyes seeing the beauty in it.

God has shown me how strong He is, how He fights every battle. God has never failed, He has never let me fall. There's an overwhelming peace knowing that not only am I not alone in my battles, but that He comes to my rescue.

I am not ready to leave Glorieta.
Maybe I'm just in denial of returning to reality.
Maybe I just hate the fact that some of these people I will never see again.
I love this place, what it's all about and what's happened here over the last three months.

This summer, I became so aware of God... so aware of Him working, so aware of what He was teaching, so aware of His presence. I don't want to lose that when I go home. I should've already been aware, I don't know why I had to come out here for that... maybe that's why I needed this break so bad, with so few distractions.

I know when I go home, there are things that will change. There are "old" parts of me that I don't want to come back. My hope for the whole summer staff and myself, is that we would remember what God has taught us this summer and what He's done in our lives and cling to that. Don't let the changes be temporary.

I saw thousands of lives surrendered to Christ.
I made hundreds of memories.
I have an amazing Glorieta family.
I serve an indescribably incredible God.

This has definitely been a million-dollar summer.

Potatoes.

So, I'm not a cook, in the slightest bit.

Nor do I have a significant amount of knowledge about anything IN the kitchen.

The dining hall serves baby potatoes probably once or twice a week.

I didn't know there was such a thing as "baby potatoes"...

And, word vomit happened.

"I've always wondered how they make these potatoes into little balls."

What?

Yeah. I said it. I realize potatoes are grown.

Cut me some slack, it's been a long day.

Thought.

Everything in the Bible points to Christ,

but does everything about you point to Christ?

Beauty in the Breaking.

This last week hasn't been the greatest.
This last week has been awesome.

Both statements are true completely. I'm not sure how that happens simultaneously.

Due to lack of blood sugar control, I got a UTI. I've been having to check about 8x a day now, so that my doctor can figure out what to change. Three days later, I start getting sick. Yesterday, I didn't have a voice. Saturday night/Sunday I was congested, earache, etc. Though, thankfully to lots of sleep and medicine (and prayer) I am feeling a lot better today.

But, during all this, I had a lot of good things happen. Like, I got to hear John Macarthur speak. And, I got to see Lecrae in concert - for FREE. My parents and grandparents came into town for a few days... so that included: phase 10, ice cream, Bobcat Bite, Tucanos, Olive Garden, Sandia Peak, and the (lame) Balloon Museum. I also got my t-shirt quilt (late birthday present)! And, a bunch of us summer staff girls went to Texas Roadhouse and atomic bowling to celebrate a birthday. I also got to eat Pei Wei and see Hillsong (neither for free, but still awesome).

Life has it's ups and downs, it's inevitable. I know life is not perfect, therefore I know at some point something else will go wrong (also the pessimist inside me). But, there's something that God has taught me this summer... and that's this: whatever is currently going wrong, is really not that bad... and I have a hope that surpasses everything else. Him.

I was watching a storm roll in and through town the other day, and I have to add... the clouds/sky here in New Mexico is simply beautiful. But while I was watching, I just felt like God was telling me, "You see how beautiful this storm is? There's beauty in your storms too, not just after... but during."

The pain that comes with the storm draws me closer to Him.
I draw closer to Him, and He continues to transform me.
He breaks down the things that are not of Him.

Sometimes we don't realize, and too often forget...

there is beauty in the breaking.

Boundless #18.

Romans 12 has some good stuff in it. A lot of the Bible tells us how we should live as a follower of Christ. This section tells us how to live within a community.

Two lines stuck out to me in this passage. "Do things in such a way that everyone can see you're honorable. Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone."

Everyone.

Everyone watches. What I do, day in and day out, should be honoring to God. The people I work with, my friends, my family, customers, people on Facebook... they all notice. But, my actions should not be honoring to God just to impress or please people, but because He has changed and transformed me.

Living in peace with everyone is easier said than done. Even though we are called to love everyone, regardless of what they've done or who they are, our human nature sometimes takes over. I know personally, I don't always show love - especially to those that I don't necessarily get along with.

Community is stronger when we keep each other accountable, and when we live in harmony. I constantly have to remind myself that we are all a part of the body of Christ. Today's challenge was to read the Roman's passage and also think about the phrase "vis à vis" in relation to God's bigger picture. Vis à vis means "with regard to"... and in regard to His bigger picture, I am a minor detail. I'm an artist, I know how important details are, they make the picture beautiful. We are details in God's masterpiece, each of us individually beautiful and adding our own part.

Boundless #17.

Fasting is something I've done... but not a lot of it. And, I never knew in-depth information before I read this article.

I've done the whole give-something-up-for-Lent thing numerous times. Chocolate, pop, cussing, sweets, etc. This past lent I said no Facebook before breakfast or after dinner. Yes, I had to say before breakfast, it was sad. The before-breakfast part was more to break my addiction. The after-dinner part was to spend more time digging in the Word.

One week this summer, I gave up Facebook. I wanted a week away from distractions, just to kind if disconnect. It was good, refreshing. Too often in this world, especially in my life, we get way too "busy" and are always connected to our phone/e-mail/Facebook... sometimes I feel like I don't have the chance to "be still" before God.

Our challenge today was to fast from something (it had a few suggestions, and one was chewing gum... which I found very odd)... and I'm not sure what I'm going to give up yet. I could give up Facebook, but I'm going to be super busy all weekend ANYWAYS and won't be around a computer, so that's kind of cheating. My phone I need because I have several "plans" and I need to communicate. Maybe I'll just use my phone as little as possible? And try not to get on Facebook the little time I will have. Or, maybe I'll just do it next week, since this weekend is kind of chaotic.

The chaotic and noisiness of our lives reminds me of how some of my friends and I were talking about a nearby monastery last week. How different would it be to live in complete silence? To not be able to talk? Drives me nuts sitting in class for three hours having to be quiet for a majority of the time. But, the monks have solitude... peace... stillness. Sometimes life is so exhausting, I that's what I need. Be a monk for a week. (Okay, or not.)

Even if you're not doing this challenge, I encourage you to fast from or take a break from something in your life.... especially if it's something you think you can't live without, because it means you probably need to break away from it.

Boundless #15.

I really enjoyed today's reading, because I think it's something a lot of people (myself included) struggle with... and sometimes don't realize it.

I heard a sermon several months ago and there's one line that has stuck with me: "We are bad people by nature. We are not good people who occasionally do bad things, we are bad people who occasionally do good things."

The first part of the article today talked about whether or not we can know what's good without knowing God. He said that people often suppress what we know about right and wrong - we may know the truth, and have the desire to know the truth... but that's not the only desire at work in us. Sadly, I think this statement is very true, especially for people my age. Most people my age are about having fun and living in the moment, they don't want to "follow rules" and serve others.

The second part of the article was about whether or not we can do what's good without following God. Last week I heard a sermon, and the preacher said "People who aren't Christians can do good things." Which, when I heard that I was like ... well, duh. Just because you're not a Christian doesn't mean you're a bad person. I don't go around thinking non-Christians are horrible, horrible people.

Back to the article... Our decency is scum compared to God. We are naturally bad people, remember? We can't go ten minutes without being selfish, without resentment, without lust. I am so broken, nothing I do will be able to fix myself. "Many philosophies and religions teach about right and wrong with pretty fair accuracy. What they can't do is heal the sin-sickness. Our cancer requires more than a doctrine. What it requires is a divine surgeon, God Himself, and the name of His surgery is Jesus Christ."

Many people struggle with pride. We all need a dose of humility. No one person has something to boast about themselves, it's all His doing - His mercy, grace and power are what heals us.

Boundless #14.

Psalm 139:13-16 -- "For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from You when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, Your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be."

Abortion is not a topic that I know a lot about, or even think about that much. Our challenge today was to read around this site, and give six reasons why we should be concerned about preserving life. I read one of the posts someone put, and liked her answers:

1) Unborn babies are smaller than us, but so are 4-year olds...

2) Unborn babies need time to develop, but does that make them less human?

3) Where does we are located make us less worthy of life?

4) Unborn babies and recently born babies are dependent on people and things, but so are people in hospitals, people on pacemakers, etc.

5) An embryo contains all the genetic information for the unborn child, thus proving life begins at conception.

6) Life needs to be valued for it's own sake and not convenience sake.

I can't imagine the stress of an unexpected pregnancy, but I think... if you do the crime you pay the time. There's always adoption. I'm not going to exile someone if they make the choice of abortion, but I will in no way condone it.

Lost and Love.

Usually when a friend has a birthday, it brings fun. Eating out, bowling, movies, dancing, roller-skating - who knows what they pick.

But, today's a birthday that doesn't bring much celebration. Drew would've turned 20 today. Five and half years ago though, he passed away in a car accident. He literally was one of my very first friends. We knew each other from when we were toddlers. We lost communication for awhile until we got old enough to use MSN Messenger (yeah, old school.) and we did see each other a few times whenever I went up to my grandparents.

I think that's why I love friends so much. I've lost a few, that were special to me in their own way. Not just out of the ordinary friends. Which, when I think about it - I'm pretty sure all of my friends each have their own special place. I have friends from years and years ago, and friends I've known for less than a year.

Take, Ellie, for instance.


Girl has class. Or, was it sass? Or both? ... Both.

I've known this girl since we were eight. That is 12 years. Granted, we didn't become close until about four or five years ago. But, we put up with a lot from each other. Rants, complaining, lack of important details, long periods of time in-between pen pal letters, lack of sympathy. Yet, somehow we have a stronger bond than peanut butter and jelly.

I love when I expect a message about something funny/traumatic that happened, but I get "Love you!" randomly.

I love that no matter what I throw at her, she always has advice to give me and can pick me up off my feet.

I love (or hate) when she puts me in my place, because she knows I need it.

She lives hours and hours and thousands of miles away from me, but yet knows close to every detail in my life. It's like we're a tracking monitor to each other... "going to work," "going to wal-mart," etc.

I love that at the end of the day when I'm about to break down, I can just let it all out and she listens.


CLL. <3


This blog may have been slightly bi-polar in subjects. But, there are days like today that even though it saddens me to remember a lost friend... it reminds me of how much I love all my friends and all their quirks.

Boundless #13.

I am aware of the various problems happening around our world. I am not fully aware, or know every detail - but I know there are problems. Am I as concerned about them as I should be? Probably not. Do I know as much as I should? No.

But this article points out something that I agree with completely. We have our own problems. There are too many teenagers (or people in general) on drugs, having abortions, getting drunk, etc. We live in a fallen world, a fallen nation.

"The question is not how to keep kids from getting drugs, but why do they want to use them?" The teenagers interviewed said that life was "boring" without them. They wanted adventure. They wanted something worth living for... a significance. I've been there, done that. It fails miserably. "...His cause will satisfy our deepest longings for a life with thrilling significance."

I loved when the article talked about it doesn't matter what 'constellation of goals' we have, if God isn't the pole star. Just like Paul, the source and goal of his cause was God. I read this and wonder if that's true for my life. Because of this in Paul's life, he didn't care about any earthly gain and he had incredible discipline - both things that should be in apparent in my life, and both things that I desire.

My heart breaks for the people who crave these temporary fixes and thrills. They could be "involved with a cause with an eternal significance." A relationship with Christ is an adventure, it is thrilling, and satisfying. "...give your bodies to God because of all He has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice - the kind He will find acceptable. ... let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think." A relationship with Him is completely different than just being "Christian" or "religious"... He changes you and molds you into His image. There is no easy button for living in His light and being transformed.

Boundless #12.

Today's challenge was an interesting one. We read two (here and here) articles about the church, and were to think about either joining a church, or becoming more involved in the church.

Growing up, I didn't fully enjoy church. Let's be honest - I hated it. My first church, I enjoyed... but I only went there until 2nd grade so that consisted of children's church. Changed churches. After that, I didn't like my sunday school or church. When I reached junior high, I finally started liking youth group. Then, we changed churches again. I liked church a little better, and fell in love with my sunday school and youth group. Changed again my senior year, and loved my youth group.

My first year of college I church-jumped, the little I went to church. But, now I am an official member of Hillside Christian Church. I love it there. I don't just get spiritually fed, I get stuffed. But, the part of the challenge that says "to get more involved" is ... challenging. As a college student, it's hard to have time to volunteer at the church to help with this and that, let alone even go to sunday school or college night. Part of the problem is, is I don't like going to these by myself - and I can't usually find anyone to go with to either events.

The first article talked about how WE are to reach our own generation. This last year I counted my BSM activities almost a substitute for sunday school and college night. I had Bible study, leadership lunch, free lunch, international lunch, worship and late night, prayer retreats, etc. Am I just in saying that? I don't know. I'm reaching people on my campus, which is my generation. And we are to "be the church"... but I'm not sure if my substitution just means I'm being lazy? It's not that I don't want to contribute to the church - and I know the article said that church shouldn't be worked around our schedule, but church should be the focus - but I don't really have time.

God doesn't need me. But I need the church. And I want "my passions to be Jesus' passions."

"The first Christian churches were characterized by intense community, selfless giving and overflowing love." I don't see this very much in the church, or in us. Maybe one of those more than the other, but in reality, all three should be there.

The Best Friend.

I have loved this Beth Moore study I've been doing this summer. Some days were okay, but the last week or two have just really hit home.

"You and I have a 'friend who sticks closer than a brother' (Prov 18:24) for 'Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends' (John 15:13). No matter what happens, no matter who rejects you or humiliates you, He will never betray you. Stay faithful, believer. You are on the winning team."

This study was another reminder of not just how this "walk" is not easy, but that in those hard times... He is faithful. He never leaves. No matter where I go, He is still with me. He is the God who provides all things.

"even if the ones I love turn around and crucify me.. I won't fall as long as You're around me."

Boundless #10.

I've had a lot mentors over the years.

My sister and grandma I consider two of the biggest (or longest). They gave a lot of advice throughout junior high and high school, even some in college.

I definitely have some good friends who I also consider spiritual mentors. I think of these mentors and it just makes me think of my "community" back home (as in, at college). The article we read today made me realize that most of the time, I do think of myself as not being capable enough to be a mentor. Though, I do know there are people I could be a mentor too... but it's hard to just start doing so.

I need to/am going to start praying for God to show me people that I can mentor, and how to mentor... what to do. A part of community is building each other up, feeding each other. The mentors I have, have been so valuable and special in my life... they were the ones who reminded me of the hope and trust I have in Christ even through the really hard times. They were the ones who encouraged me to dig into the Word, and stay there.

Boundless #9.

This was quite possibly the easiest challenge yet. A friend of mine and I were talking about today's challenge and what we were thinking about doing.

A random act of kindness. Rather easy, right? But, we don't have a lawn to mow. We discussed the idea of buying someone's food in line behind us (which I've wanted to do for quite some time now), but then thought about the fact that they could've possibly just spent $40 buying food and drinks for the kids playing little league down the road. Baking something isn't a good option when kitchen access is limited, and I'm a horrible cook anyways.

So, we go to my car to start a photo adventure. And before I even open my door all the way, I hear a little voice (literally), say, "Is that your car?" About six thoughts went through my head instantly: is she talking to me? did I go the wrong car? why is she talking to me? is she just going to say she has the same one? did someone rear end me? what is she going to say next? I replied, "...yes." And then the next question,

"Could you possibly give me a ride to Chaparral?"

I froze. I don't know why, I mean, it was a little old lady. Not some sketchy man. More thoughts went through my head: I'm about to go take pictures! Why doesn't she just walk there? This is going to be awkward. Do I have to?

It was then that I realized how selfish all of those thoughts were, and I felt like God kind of slapped me and said, "Are you really going to not give this lady a ride 300 feet? Is it really that big of a deal?" Which then caused the words, "oh yeah, no problem!" to come out of my mouth.

She asked if we worked here, where we worked, where we were from, and thanked us multiple times for the ride. It really only did take all of two minutes. It was so sweet though, when she asked my name and then said, "well Jessica, I pray the Lord blesses you for being a blessing in my life today."

Wow.

Boundless #8.

Today, we were to meditate on Romans and think about how this shaped our view of community.

The first verse that says, "Don't think you are better than you really are," made me really think. If anything, I think of myself less than I probably should. I mean, most girls do? The verse that got me was when it talked about being honest in our evaluations, and measuring by God and not to other people.

Guilty. I compare myself, in a positive and negative way. Spiritually, and in other ways. It's something I've struggled with for a really long time. But this passage reminded me how God has chosen us each for something, set us apart. We each have a gift, a reason, a way God is using us.

This passage just opened my eyes to see how community should work together more. We each have something, some way to help each other, build each other up, to grow as a community.

Boundless #7.

I love my grandma. She means the world to me. Our seventh task was to talk to an elderly person about relationships and whatnot. I talk to my grandma every week, so today when I called her, I told her about this challenge and then we got to talking about the subject.

She said that dating now and back then is so different. Back then, relationships were a lot more committed (as in, not just casual dating and dating around). Which, I thought was more Biblical than how most people date nowadays. I don't believe that "guarding your heart" aligns with dating a different guy every week, or every month. I read something the other day that talked about dating, and whether or not you should only date someone you think you will marry. The author said that that's not the idea of dating, but you shouldn't date someone you can't picture marrying. The purpose of dating is getting to know one another, and seeing if finding if it's God's will to be together.

My grandma also said that morals were a lot higher, to which I laughed, because it's sadly true. A sermon I heard about a week or two ago said, "No one wants to hear about your God if you can't keep your pants on." SO TRUE. Morals/actions should be honorable to God and reflect your faith.

I don't completely agree with how people date nowadays. I mean, to each their own... but I think it's kind of sad what dating has come to now. I guess call me old-fashioned?