Pushing Through.

In high school, you couldn't pay me to run the 100 yard dash. Now, I love running and wish I had time to do it everyday. It clears my mind, and relaxes me.

I'm building back up my running time/distance. I hurt my foot last semester, and had knee surgery two years ago, so I have to ease myself into these things.

But, today I was on the treadmill and decided to run for five minutes. (Hey, I told you I have to start off slow...) and sadly, the last two minutes were torture. I wanted to stop so badly, my legs were starting to burn. Of course, I started pep talkin' myself, because there's always a point where the run starts becoming mental. I told myself to push through.

And while I'm thinking over a million different things in my head, I kind of smiled to myself at the thought of pushing through. High school was rough. College had it's rough points – and no matter the duration, they were rough.

But, I kept pushing through. I'm almost done. I'm about to graduate college, and get married.

Not that graduating and getting married will solve all of my world's problems, in fact it will probably bring on more. But, I know how to push through.

I came to college and had my fair share of bad roommates.
I dealt with a broken heart,
losing close friends,
fighting with people I love,
dealing with injuries,
on and on.

At times, it felt like I couldn't catch a break. But, I don't give up easily.

I can honestly think of one time that I've ever wanted to quit something – high school cheerleading.

I've found myself in some problematic or frustrating situations over the years, but I never wanted to quit – I wanted to fix it. I wanted to change things. I wanted to make things right, or go back in time.

By the time this thought process was over, I had ten seconds left in my run. Pushing through things usually requires concentrating on something else – like God. Putting my focus on Him got me through some of the toughest things over the past few years, even running.

Soulful.

The subtitle on the front of Captivating says, "Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul." And my eyes were opened to part of the mystery of my own soul as I read the last two nights.

I know everyone has their heartaches, their losses, their wounds, their fears. Mine is abandonment, or back-stabbing (sounds so elementary, but hear me out).

Almost every person in my life that was close to me at one point, has deeply hurt me. Grade school "best friends" moved away. Friends in high school did/said horrible things to me, things that enemies are expected to do - not the ones you call your best friends. More friends moved. It has been a reoccurring theme in my life that the ones closest to me either leave or turn their back on me.

The damage done to our feminine hearts through the wounds we received is made much worse by the horrible things we believe about ourselves as a result. That's me. I, for so long, had a twisted view of myself. Twenty years without a boyfriend, hurt after hurt, loss after loss... Satan begins to put thoughts in your head and twist your vision. The book told a story of this woman who was always changing, always trying to "improve" herself somehow. Why did she try so hard? She simply fears that somehow she is not enough. Deep down we fear there is something terribly wrong with us. I read that story and realized how often I fall into that trap - not praying enough, not getting good enough grades, not working out enough, eating too much, on and on.

Every semester since I started college, something slightly traumatic/dramatic has happened. Every. semester. It already happened this semester. You cannot be alive very long without being wounded. The sun rises, the stars follow their courses, the waves roll in crashing against the rocks, and we are wounded. When it happened this semester, for the first time, I handled it well. One day of shock and sorrow, and it was over. I remember telling my best friend, that I felt like God had given me such a peace about it, a peace I didn't understand. It was almost like I didn't want to be okay with it. I remember praying that God would soften my heart - I was afraid my heart was being hardened, that I was so used to this pain that it was almost expected.

I'm a lover, not a fighter. I can fight, but I'm so much more of a lover. You hurt me and come back in two weeks, I'll give you a hug. Some don't understand. Sometimes I don't understand. Things were done, awful things. And they shaped us. Something inside of us shifted. Something shifted. In high school. I once held a grudge for 46 days. Note that my graduating class had 22 students - this is not a big school where you can walk down a different hallway. My classmate and I's lockers were all within 15 feet. I held that grudge - against two people. I look back at that and wonder how I even did that. I look at my life and see for how long I didn't acknowledge Him in my life - and He has never held a grudge.

I stopped holding grudges and started building walls. If we were overwhelmed or belittled or hurt or abused, we believed that somehow it was because of us - the problem was with us. We hang a "do not disturb" sign on our personalities, send a "back off" message to the world. We try so hard, and in so many ways, to protect our hearts from further pain. The problem is our plan has nothing to do with God. I feel myself building walls just from experiences I hear of those around me. Do you know how difficult it is to love people and have walls up at the same time? Or, you can just tear down those walls and let God work. 

It's nothing to new to hear that women struggle with our mind. Satan twists our mind, our thoughts, our vision. Until I read this chapter in Captivating, I almost took it as another thing wrong with us - we aren't do something right, that's why Satan attacks us. Wrong. Satan was first named Lucifer, or Son of the Morning. It infers a glory, a brightness or radiance unique to him. He was perfect in beauty. And it was his ruin - pride entered his heart. Now his heart for revenge is to assault beauty. He hates Eve, because she is captivating, uniquely glorious, and he cannot be. Satan is jealous of how amazing God created women. He didn't attack Adam, he attacked Eve - and still does everyday. You are hated because of your beauty and power. He fears who you are; what you are; what you might become. 

As my relationship with Christ deepens, as I become more aware of and embrace His promises - I see the actions of Satan. Too bad our God is greater, and stronger. If Satan didn't arrange for the assault directly, then he made sure he drove the message of the wounds home into your heart. Satan has done this for too long. But God has done and continues to heal my heart. I think all Satan does sometimes is allow God to display His power even more.

I would be in a worse place right now if it weren't for the grace of God. I could've never handled all the pain and hurt by myself. God had me in His hand all along, even when I wasn't paying attention.


You are passionately loved by the God of the universe. You are passionately hated by His Enemy. 

Count It All Joy.

Have I mentioned how much I love Ben Stuart? I say that, knowing it's not really him, but God, that spoke to my heart last night.

Ben's message last night was over James 1, one of my favorite passages in the Bible.

A misconception among some Christians is that life is easy if you're a follower of Christ. False. We are not exempt from pain, we should actually expect it. But, knowing we are to "expect" pain, does not make it any easier when it actually comes.

This passage tells us to rejoice in pain. Ben said there are two kinds of people who rejoice in pain: those are crazy (literally, mental) and those who have hope, because we know something good will result from it, a glorious future awaits.

I loved the analogy Ben used... God takes us not to the bunny slope, or the green or blue slopes, He takes us to the top of the scary mountain where there is no slope, He takes us on the biggest wave in a rough ocean, and then teaches us how to navigate.

I've been told twice this summer, that in the midst of trials, don't ask why, but ask God to teach us something. "Let the trial finish God's work in you." It's painful. It stretches us. Oh, but to be transformed into what He's made us to be... how wonderful and complex He's made us to be.

One of the things Ben said that hit SO close to home: "He puts us in situations we don't know how to handle, so that we seek Him for wisdom." I heard this and thought back to countless times that I was lost, and didn't seek His wisdom first.

Pain gives us the wisdom to stop putting hope in things that fail.
Pain teaches us pain is real, but temporary.
Pain makes you put your hope in God.

The voice in your head that says, "it shouldn't be like this" is right, because it knows of a time when there wasn't any pain, and when there won't be any pain.

I loved when Ben said that it's okay to hate the pain, but remember that God is faithful and trust Him to pull you through. I think sometimes we think it's "wrong" to hate pain, that we're just supposed to put on a happy face and pretend it's okay. Yes, we rejoice in knowing something greater will come from it, but that doesn't mean we can't hate it.

The weaker I am, the harder I lean on You and stronger I discover You are.