Sunday, June 17, 2012

Tuttle Angel.

A week ago today, I was trying to come to terms with the fact that my grandmother had just passed away. This was a lot harder to do from 1200 miles away, with no friends around (and Aaron an hour away).

So thankful that God worked it out with flights (cost and schedule), and being able to take off work. My bosses were so kind to let me have off as much time as I needed. I know I would have regretted not going, nor would have I gotten the closure.

I saw some family that I hadn't seen in a few years, which was also nice - even though I wish it had been under different circumstances. It hit me as we drove up to my grandma's house for the first time, to see my parents, and realize that my grandma was not going to be inside.

I heard a story last week about a family that had prayed and prayed for the mom to be healed of cancer, and when she died, the son realized that she had been healed. She went to be with her Heavenly Father, free of pain and sickness. Just like my grandma. My grandma did not die from cancer, it was kind of a sudden death. She had been dealing with heart problems, thyroid problems, diabetes, among numerous other health issues. She was always a fighter.

Over the course of the last few days, I heard nothing but good things about my grandma. She raised her kids right, instilled good values, loved the Lord and her huge family - 9 kids (and spouses), 23 grandchildren (with some spouses), and 19 great-grandchildren.

Throughout college, at Bible studies and such, I heard about and studied about a Proverbs 31 woman. That passage was read during the service on Thursday, and it brought tears to my eyes because I realized how incredibly true it was in my grandma's life. She embodied that passage.

This is going to sound cliché, but it is entirely true. I hope that I am as good of a wife, mother, grandmother and friend as my grandma was in her life. Everyone knew she loved the Lord, without her ever pushing it on you. Just the way she acted and loved on everyone showed God's character.

What was more upsetting was seeing her kids having to deal with so much, and trying to imagine losing my own mother. Yes, I am/was sad about my grandma's death, but it brings me joy (and makes me a liiiiittle jealous) that she is in the arms of Jesus right now. I'm not sure if I believe if she can see or hear us, because I think all she is doing is praising her Heavenly Father. I know she is free of pain and disease, and her life has just begun.

Sunday, June 10, 2012


At the end of April, I realized I had rarely prayed specifically for things. I was getting closer to moving and needing to find a job, so what better circumstance to ask God for specific things. As I was telling some friends in my life about the specific prayer request (that needed to happen in three days), one told, "Belief is a big part of that."

It sounds so obvious, but I was so convicted upon realization of how I may not have been believing. It wasn't that I was praying with the mindset of, "I don't know if God will really do this..." or questioning God, but it wasn't full belief. I wasn't praying with the mindset of, "God, You are sovereign. I know that you can do this. I believe that you will do this if it's in Your will."

But, now I am.

God has answered so many requests and desires over these past few weeks. I am continually in awe of His provision, even in the smallest of things that aren't even that important - like having a laundry room.

So, to make all of this come full circle, last night I stumbled upon Mark 9:23, "What do you mean, 'If I can'?" Jesus asked. "Anything is possible if a person believes.

The next verse goes on to say, The father instantly cried out, "I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief!"

At first, I thought, I don't have unbelief. I believe in Christ, I believe in the gospel. But, how many times have I doubted God? I can't even imagine trying to count the number of times in my life, but just over the last few months? I'm thankful for the people in my life that were encouraging me to keep praying, keep hoping, not to give up. But, I would be lying if I said there were not several moments of doubt in my mind as I got closer to moving, and still didn't have a job or a place to live.

My hope is that I daily see God's hand at work in my life, or around me... that I become more aware of Him, to overcome every shred of doubt.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

The In-Between.

Well, here I sit, amongst piles of my belongings and unpacked boxes. In front of me sits a bicycle in two parts, my baby book, and a new pack of knives. On one side of me is fingernail polish, the other side, my huge wall canvas protected by a large black trash bag.

I am in the in-between.

I am halfway unpacked, waiting for my fiancé to appear again so we can decide how to decorate and arrange our future home. I have a home, but I'm not settled in.... I'm in between.

My last day of work was 25 days ago. I start my new job tomorrow. I thought these few weeks in Georgia between arrival and when I started my job would be boring. Wrong. I feel like I got here last week. I can't even remember everything I've done since arriving here in Georgia. Thankful that this "in between" piece ends tomorrow.

I had a lot of plans and ideas in my head as to how life was going to look these past few weeks. A few months ago, I thought I would find a full-time job, move into a two-bedroom apartment or small house, find a new home church and join a community group to make friends. That's not exactly what's happening... and when I say not exactly, I mean pretty much none of that happened. I did find a part-time job, and am searching for a second. I did find a pretty great one-bedroom apartment, that has awesome things like a fitness center on campus. I think we have decided North Point will be our new home church, the preaching and worship are both great.

But, I can't join a community group yet. They have a special time twice a year for creating groups, and the next one isn't until August. Which will work great, because then Aaron and I can join a group together. But, that leaves me... in-between. No friends. No community. I will come home at three everyday to my empty apartment, and no one to hang out with. Yes, I have Aaron, that I will see (hopefully) a few times a week, but he cannot and should not be my only friend.

Not a lot of luck yet on finding a second part-time job either. Part of me wants the job to help pay the bills. The other part of me wants the job so I have something to do besides sit alone at home, and maybe I can make a friend or two. I realize I have only been in this town for about a week, and these things take some time. But, if nothing changes, it's looking to be a lonely summer.

It's still setting in that this is home. This is now my permanent address. For the past four years, I had my school address and my permanent address. Home. It feels temporary right now. I think I have been waiting and longing for this so long, that now it's here and it feels surreal still. A small, small part of me wants to go back to Texas. Not because it's Texas, but because it was comfortable, familiar, easy. I had friends. I had a place that felt like home.

Now, don't get me wrong. I love Georgia so far. I love living in the city. But, I hate being in the in-between. It's a lot like having plans in limbo. I like to have things planned out, not waiting for things to happen. I am in-between jobs, in-between friends... in-between single and married. God has already provided so much - a job, a place to live, my fiancé. Clinging to Hebrews 10:23 in this in-between time, "...for He who promised is faithful."