Loss.

No one really deals with loss well.
I've lost more friends than one should at this age, but thankfully it's been minimal and hasn't been immediate family.

Unfortunately, this week I've dealt with different types of loss. Not as traumatic, but hard and very frustrating still. First, there was my foot, and then...

[There's no great way to segway into this without sounding trite.] 

Glorieta, my second home, is shutting down. The conference center is not shutting down completely, but it's only going to be open during the summer. They posted this explanation on their website.

It's understandable, from the logistic side. But, our hearts don't understand. My Facebook feed was filled with remorse and talk of memories. After two years of attending Collegiate week, and working a total of six months there - it becomes home.

It's where I re-committed my life to Christ, it's where I met the love of my life, it's where I've grown the most - spiritually. Not to mention the incredible friendships, and the memories. It sounds dramatic, but it feels like someone has died, or a part of me has died. It breaks my heart to know (not as many) people will be able to experience the peace and growth that happens at Glorieta.

Glorieta holds so much importance in my heart, but I know God is doing something good in the midst of all the emotion and trouble.

Summer Recap.

Summer is basically over.
And, it was a summer.

Although I tried not to compare, this summer didn't compare as well to last year.
It was different, but in a good way. It was still impactful.

This summer had it's challenges. Different people, same job, similar guests, crazy schedules. I'd like to say that through all the difficulties, I grew a lot and had some major break through, but that isn't entirely true.

Did I learn, did I grow, did I change, did I finally let go of some things? Yes.

Life is changing. It's beautiful, even when it's frustrating.
It's messy, sometimes I feel like my head is just an unsolved puzzle.

He is entirely faithful. Faithful to His promises, faithful to transform our hearts, faithful to work everything out for our good, faithful and sovereign.

The best part about our God is that He changes things and provides for us, sometimes before we even know we need it, and sometimes when we don't know why we need something. But, He knew I needed this summer.


My favorites of the summer include...
- rooming with Kelli again. none of that awkward, at times annoying, adjusting to a new roommate. it was like we had never stopped being roomies. the half-asleep glares, taking naps together (as in, at the same time but in our own beds), the late nights, the talks, the laughs, and... the one crying session.
- seeing why God brought certain people into my life. some to help me, some to help them. many of those Georgia people I know I will be friends with for a looooong time :)
- covenant leader group, always what I looked forward to every weekend. a group of devoted, smart, true friends. not to mention the family that let us into their home, laughed with us, fed us, and taught us.
- taco bell or dunkin donuts run. these things seem insignificant, but I tend to find the most joy in the smallest things... the trips were fun, spontaneous, and pointless, but just more memories we made.

oh... and baby-sitting for Addison Road.

Purposeful Accidents.

Last night, I listened to Michael Kelly speak at the Collegiate Week service. He said something that I've been thinking about a lot lately.

"There are many situations in life that happen so coincidentally that it almost seems on purpose."

When looking back at the last few years, that's all I see.

Dislike my town during high school so much that I want to get away.
[which leads me to WT, not KSU like I had thought]
Attend Collegiate Week two weeks prior to starting college.
[I like to think of this as one big pivotal moment]
Attend Collegiate Week a second year, recommit my life to Christ.
[join leadership team at BSM]
Decide to spend a summer away.. in Glorieta.
[meet Aaron]

Then there's smaller things like sharing purple paint with Taylor my freshman year - we are now best friends, the roommates I have had and will have, friends I have through camp, the classes I've taken, the job I have...

Things that seemed so simple at the moment, I now see as small pieces of what He is sewing together.


Jesus, I don't know what You're working out right now, but You haven't failed me yet.

August Weekend.

Dear Boyfriend,

Just as it gets harder to say good-bye everytime, each visit is more and more enjoyable. I think one of my favorite parts of this past weekend was how we did all these new things together.

Lunch was complicated, and made me grumpy, but that was some gooooood pizza. It never fails that I end up in the ghetto in almost every city I visit, so just get used to that. And the shopping syndrome... sorry about that too. Someday I'll enjoy shopping like a normal girl.

Dinner on the other hand, was fabulous. You can never go wrong with Panda. :)
 

  

I've been to a few baseball games (two, to be exact) but this was by far my favorite. Minus the people behind us sloshing beer on us. That wasn't cool. 

 

Ziplining = favorite. Even better that we got to do it at the same time (on different lines, just to clarify). Those harnesses were so attractive, I might add. Maybe next time we can both hit the pole... or not. Also, that mulch area is where I taught you how to two-step, and Alex taught us how to pretzel. Good times, keep working on it though... 

 

We always talk about our big roadtrip around the U.S., and traveling the world. I guess you could say this is the beginning. A day trip to Colorado, with a quick run to the Utah state line. Two more down! I wonder if all states have the repeated cow signs, reindeer signs, tractor signs...

 Date night. Date nights are always my favorite. Even though I'm a t-shirt kind of girl, a black dress once in awhile is good too :) I think this picture conveys how fun we are, and ridiculous. Never forget how ridiculous we are! Another visit to San Francisco Bar & Grill, walking around the plaza, sitting on the back porch in rocking chairs... pretty nice way to celebrate a year together. The diamond necklace and earrings helped too ;)

 I love you. 

Thank you for the laughs this weekend, and the new memories.
Especially when you took me to see the sunset :)

One Year Anniversary!

"How do you measure a year?

In daylights,
in sunsets,
in midnights,
in cups of coffee,
in inches,
in miles,
in laughter,
in strife...

How about love?"

Has it really already been a year with Aaron? Yes, yes it has.

Last summer included: a trip to the zoo, an Iron Maiden concert, him giving me DDP and peanut butter, a drive-in movie, a date to the opera, lots of Panda Express, star-gazing, watching a sunset from atop a hill, and of course... many nights of playing Rock Band. After all that, we became an "official" couple.

Then started our long-distance journey. A hard year, but an amazing year.
full of Skype dates, phone calls, letters, texts, flights, driving...
full of inside jokes, uncontrollable laughter, Bible study...
full of DDP, Taco Bell, flowers, surprises, Chinese food...

We keep each other accountable, we challenge each other, we're genuine and real with each other, we laugh (a lot) together, we pray together, we read together, and we trust, respect, and love each other. The only "don't" in our relationship is we don't fight - one year, and a not a single fight. Yes, it's tried our patience, and Satan's tried to trick us with doubt... but His peace surpasses it all.

Neither of us were expecting to leave last summer being in a relationship, but God works in unexpected ways when we're least expecting it. A lot of people say our love isn't real, that it's not conventional, that it wouldn't work. But, anything is possible with God - and geography does not stop Him.

The longest we went without seeing each other was 16 weeks (and two days).
The shortest, 5 weeks.
But, the time flew (most of the time) with as much as we talked.

"Distance is not for the fearful, it is for the bold. It's for those who are willing to spend a lot of time alone in exchange for a little time with the one they love. It's for those knowing a good thing when they see it, even if they don't see it nearly enough..." 

One year down, many more to go... :)

Reflection.

Summertime has begun.

It has been an interesting first week of summer, being back in New Mexico. Waves of emotion between excitement, anxiety, fear and peace. This place and the people last year did so much for me, and I'd like to think I did the same for other people.

Not a lot of summer staff has arrived yet, so it's been a quieter week, allowing time for relaxation and alone time. As usual, the last few days have been thinking a lot about the last semester, and year. I've grown immensely from where I was this time last year. Life has changed, and I've learned through the good and bad times. Lost friends, gained friends, fell in love, traveled and worked my butt off.

Not having a social life this spring was rough, but the 4.0 at the end was pretty nice. But, for once, I almost agreed with my professor... I felt a huge sense of satisfaction with my grades, but wondered if missing out on fun times and community was really worth it. I felt a pull from God to break away from my community. I had a new one to join, one that is building and growing, but not as tight-knit.

Satan used my busy schedule and lack of community against me. I missed the accountability and just being able to talk things out. That is one of the reasons I was so ready to come back to New Mexico - there's community here, even outside the covenant groups.

I can already see reasons I was brought back here, and am reminded of God's faithfulness. I am excited to see how the Lord is going to work not just in me, but my co-workers and in our guests. He is so good. Even though I am being continually transformed, I'm ready for this "season" and what's to come.

Reasoning.

Life is not perfect.
Oh, were you not aware of this?

I think there have been a few times when I've felt like it was, until something brought me back down to earth.

Not that life can't be enjoyed, or we can't love life. I think it's as simple as just focusing on the positives rather than the negatives. Which is actually easier said than done, coming from a pessimist like me. Most people don't consider me a pessimist, since I don't tend to walk around grumbling and pissy all the time. But, more than half the time, in any given situation... I will think about the downsides or negatives of something without meaning too.


A few things heavy on my mind lately. Mainly, summer - which translates to New Mexico. Glorieta holds a very special place in my heart, it's where I found my two loves. Two years ago, I went to collegiate week at Glorieta and the Lord grabbed a hold of my heart. I realized I wasn't living the life I needed to and recommitted my life to Christ. Last summer, with no intention of doing so, I found someone. In nothing but a God-scripted way, Aaron and I just... clicked. Nine months later, still together and going strong. Geography means nothing to the Lord - 1200 miles can't quench this kind of love.

This semester has not been the easiest though. My spiritual community changed, classes were overwhelming, it became harder to be away from Aaron more and more, my diabetes has been crazy. Although I'm in a much better state than I was a year ago, I find myself ending the semester and so ready to get away again. The Lord has taught me a lot this semester, this year. But, I couldn't help but agree when I saw a friend post a status about wishing she praised the Lord not just in the good times, but in the bad as well.

As I was reading through Job this morning, these thoughts were running through my head. Of course, as humans, it's harder for us to praise God when things aren't what we exactly wanted. Things may not necessarily be bad, just not what we wanted. But... it's more about what He wants.

In chapter one, Job says, "The Lord gave me what I had, and the Lord has taken it away. Praise the name of the Lord!" The next verse says, In all of this, Job did not sin by blaming God.

I may not come right out and blame God, but too often I know I've asked God, why? "So who am I, that I should try to answer God or even reason with Him? ... For God is so wise and so mighty." (9:10, 4) It's not that I doubt God's plan or His wisdom, but I know sometimes my thoughts seem that way. My desires need to go back to His desires.

"But true wisdom and power are found in God; counsel and understanding are His." (Job 12:13)

I need not understand, only trust.

Summer to-do.

There are lots of things I missed out on last summer, have found out about this year and now want to do, or just want to do... so I'm starting a list:

- eat at Rooftop
- go to Anthropology
- do the couch to 5k plan
- finish my summer reading list
- read through the whole Bible chronologically
- hike or drive to Baldy
- get to know the nice voluteers
- ride my bike to Pecos
- do the zipline
- possibly an Isotopes game
- go to the flea market in Santa Fe
- photo shoots with as many summer staffers possible

...to be continued.

Glorieta.

It's weird how a place can feel like home after three short months.

I went to New Mexico Friday, more specifically Glorieta. I was there just two months ago. I only got to walk around for an hour that night, and then I was in Abq/Santa Fe all of Saturday. I was kind of bummed about my lack of time spent in Glorieta, but at the same time, SO thankful I got to go.

As we rolled into New Mexico, it was cloudy. Rain storm was coming. One of my favorite things from this summer. Rain storm in the mountains is a whole new level of beauty.

Then, the sun was peeking out behind clouds. Beautiful isn't a strong enough word to describe that. It looked like God was behind those clouds, just looking down on us a little bit. For a little while, it came out fully behind the clouds. As the sun reflected off the wet pavement, I had to close my eyes because it was so bright. I thought, and heaven is going to be even brighter and more beautiful than this, more than I can even imagine. As the sun set, the sky was a white gold - much like the sunset Aaron and I watched from a hill.

There was a lightning storm as we pulled into Glorieta. I remembered the huge lightning storm we had this summer, where the power was out for hours. I sat on the steps and sang worship songs as Tyler played his guitar.

I sat in traffic on the same highway that we sat in traffic on to go watch fireworks on the 4th. Fireworks and balloon fiesta take place in the same field.

I got to see the restaurant of my boyfriend and I's first date. Sweet memories.

I walked around the plaza that I walked around, and even danced in once, many'a times.

I ate at Bumblebee's, the last place I ate at this summer. There was a group of friends at the table I sat in my first time there. I remember my first time there, was with a huge group of girls... and Justin. It was after church, we went to Blaze.

I went to Thunderbird, where I lived for three months. It looked creepy, sadly. It was quiet, lifeless.... none of the family there. The lobby was actually unlocked, and the TV was on - which creeped me out enough to shut the door and run away.

It felt like home. I knew every turn, every tree, every secret spot.

Somehow Glorieta became a part of me, as did the people I was around. I miss it all.

Surreality.

I'm home.

That statement is true in itself, but it doesn't feel true - yet.

I haven't been back in Texas for a whole week yet. It's been kind of a rough transition back to real life. Which, I totally wasn't expecting. I knew I'd miss people and whatnot, but not this.

My world feels surreal. I feel like I will wake up, walk out of my apartment and be outside of t-bird. I feel like when I walk downstairs I will see all of summer staff bumming around. I've never felt something so surreal, besides maybe when I was in Europe. So, yes, I do feel like I'm in a foreign country.

Change is good. I usually like change. Change keeps me on my toes, it stretches me. But, I not only went from the wonderful land of Glorieta to Texas, but from dorm to apartment... community to isolation. Granted, I enjoy isolation most of the time (about as much as I also love community).

But, isolation isn't the best when adjusting. I went from 100 to 1 in four hours. First full day on my own, I was so lost at lunch I just paced in my kitchen.

I'm learning what it means to be at home in Him. Home is not with certain people or at a certain place, it is Him and wherever He leads me. He led me to Glorieta for a few months, but He has me here for a reason... I'm excited and anxious for what He has planned in the coming months. :)

Million-Dollar Summer.

How do I put to words the story of my summer? How do I describe everything in a way that people might get a little insight?

The blog I wrote right before I came here stated that I was ready, I was excited, and I wanted a break. Even though I was "ready"... I had no idea what God was about to do in my life. And, I definitely got a break. A break that was refreshing, reviving, refilling, renewing... and not to mention, fun.

It was fun
...going to Olive Garden with my front desk girls.
...hanging out with homeless people on the square.
...eating sushi for the first time.
...hiking to Pulpit Point (and missing it).
...going to a crazy church with a huge group.
...going to the Abq zoo.
...horseback riding through the mountains.
...going to an Iron Maiden (who?) concert.
...playing rock band at Aaron's.
...seeing the O'Keefe museum with Kelli.
...being in the variety show (against my will).
...eating Coldstone on my diabetic birthday.
...watching fireworks in Abq with sweet friends.
...dressing like a cowgirl for Western Night.
...seeing an amazing view of Glorieta/Pecos with Rod.
...going to the opera with Aaron.
...having staff Christmas in July.
...sucking at atomic bowling with the girls for Hummer's birthday.
...seeing Hillsong in concert with my faves.
...having a girls' night in Santa Fe (dancing in the plaza).
...watching the sunset over the valley/Santa Fe.

These precious memories are just a few. There's so many more little things... each day held something new. A new memory, a new joke.

This week was Collegiate Week. 1,800 college students who are crazy about Jesus were on campus. Despite their incessant need to walk in the middle of the road, seeing a huge community of believers was just encouraging. Last year at Collegiate Week, God got my attention. I came here a little lost, with a lot of hurt and frustration... thinking I could get myself back on track.

But, I can't. It took me awhile to fully realize that. This last year has been an adventure. God has taught me and stretched me so much, especially this summer. There's a lot of things He taught me and ways that I grew, but a few that stick out:

I feel like I found myself. My identity is in Him. I don't want or need to fit in with society, or what people think I should be. I don't need the approval of people, my aim should not be to please them. It's been a rough couple of years, in all honesty. And this summer, I found joy... I thought I knew it before - I didn't.

He's taught me a lot about love and people. Love is an action, not a feeling. We love because He loved us, we love because we are called to love. Being out here in the beautiful mountains, made me realize how beautiful our God is... His beauty is reflected into Creation and into us. Love people because they are His children and He made each of us beautiful and unique, each for a purpose. Being a part of this family of believers for three months, day in and day out, realizing how different we all are was at times annoying or frustrating, but God really opened my eyes seeing the beauty in it.

God has shown me how strong He is, how He fights every battle. God has never failed, He has never let me fall. There's an overwhelming peace knowing that not only am I not alone in my battles, but that He comes to my rescue.

I am not ready to leave Glorieta.
Maybe I'm just in denial of returning to reality.
Maybe I just hate the fact that some of these people I will never see again.
I love this place, what it's all about and what's happened here over the last three months.

This summer, I became so aware of God... so aware of Him working, so aware of what He was teaching, so aware of His presence. I don't want to lose that when I go home. I should've already been aware, I don't know why I had to come out here for that... maybe that's why I needed this break so bad, with so few distractions.

I know when I go home, there are things that will change. There are "old" parts of me that I don't want to come back. My hope for the whole summer staff and myself, is that we would remember what God has taught us this summer and what He's done in our lives and cling to that. Don't let the changes be temporary.

I saw thousands of lives surrendered to Christ.
I made hundreds of memories.
I have an amazing Glorieta family.
I serve an indescribably incredible God.

This has definitely been a million-dollar summer.

To Live Not for Myself.

God has just been weighing something heavy on my heart this past couple of weeks. Probably, because I've struggled with it my whole life.

I don't need the approval of people.

I shouldn't seek the approval or attention of guys.

The only approval needed, or person I need to please is Him.

The High Point Staff is doing a Bible study called "Exchange"... talking about how we don't live our Christian lives by ourselves, but through Him.

I love a line in this first lesson that says, "I think a lack of identity is related to alienation from God."

I was reading Ephesians 3 this morning, and verse 17 says, "Then Christ will make His HOME in your hearts as you trust in Him. Your roots will grown down into God's love and keep you strong." and 2 Corinthians 4 says, "Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day."

My identity is in Christ, He lives in me.... my life is His.

"If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ's servant." - Galatians 1:10.