One Step Closer.

Well, I got a job!

I am not an unemployed college graduate.


Oh yeah, and I graduated. Yesterday.
I am "in the real world," so to speak.

I'm going to be NorthPoint's new graphic design intern this summer. NorthPoint Ministries is located in Alpharetta, GA, and it's where Andy Stanley is the head pastor.

Although I wanted a full-time job more than just an internship, I am beyond thankful for this opportunity. The most amazing part (and I shouldn't be surprised) is that two of my dreams that formed themselves over the last year have come true. During one of my visits to Georgia, I was drawn to Alpharetta. I never really knew why, especially since I hadn't ever spent that much time there - almost none. But, every time we drove past a sign for Alpharetta, my heart would skip a beat and I would just think of how much I wanted to work or live there. Secondly, for a long time I didn't know where I wanted to work. People asked if I had a certain type of place I wanted to work at, eventually I "narrowed" it down to a church, a publication, or an agency - in that order.

Did you remember that I am now going to be working in a church, in Alpharetta? I wasn't even pursuing any church in Alpharetta that much, even though it was something I really wanted. I saw this internship, thought it seemed like a great opportunity, and sent in my resume. Looking back, I'm not sure why I didn't reach out to more churches in Alpharetta... I just kept desperately searching, and sent out resumes to open jobs. God is so good to know the desires of my heart, even when I lose sight of them sometimes.

The next hurdle is finding a place for me to live. Apartments are always an option, but I really want a rent house. I've done apartment life, and not to say that I can't keep doing it, but I love the idea of our own little place. A place where I can't hear the neighbors talking through the walls. A place where I can paint the walls. A place where I don't have to worry about what I use to hang things on the walls. I will live alone this summer, until after August 18th, and then Aaron will move in. We will be husband and wife, and start our life together.

The Lord is never late. I may have felt like He was cutting things close, but He knew exactly what He was doing. I know He didn't want to just give me an ol' job, but the job. It's only a summer internship, so in July I will start having to look for another job to start in August. But, who knows where this internship will take me...

Believing.

So, here's my fun fact of the day.

I was rejected.

I was rejected by a company that, for the last three and a half months, I thought I had a strong possibility of working for after graduation. Alas, they do not a designer. And, if we're being honest - it was very discouraging.

I would not classify the job search as boring, but definitely emotional, and has definitely been testing my faith.  I get my hopes up, I get excited, and then disappointed, and scared. It can make you feel inadequate, unwanted, confused, and frustrated.


"He has placed the land in front of you. Don't be afraid! Don't be discouraged! The Lord your God is going ahead of you. You saw how the Lord your God cared for you ALL along the way as you traveled through the wilderness, just as a father cares for his child. Now He has brought you to this place. He goes before you, looking for the best place to camp, guiding you..." - (pieces of) Deut. 1:21-33

This passage (or bits of a passage) is a reminder that I have all I need right now, and I will have all that I need. My God chose me, and loves me - and though I don't understand a lot of things right now... He is in complete control. Searching for a job can be frustrating to the point that it lowers your confidence, so even though I may be struggling with that - I have to be confident in His sovereignty. 

My hope can only be in Him - all other ground is sinking sand.
I have to believe that He has a plan, and I know He does.

Walking Blind.

I love Addison Road, as you should know... since they appear in my blog a lot. The lead singer, Jenny, blogs off and on as well, and today she wrote a blog. This blog. I think her blog is one of my favorite's to read because she doesn't cover up things with happy rainbows and trite sayings.

Although I am not in a life storm right now, this is one of those blogs that just spoke something to me. It made me realize that so often I feel like I'm supposed to be in a storm, or the opposite... whatever that "part" is called. I haven't made any huge life adjustments like she has, but I still feel like I'm in the in-between.

I'm en route to graduation, I'm beginning to see the light. I mean, I sent off my first resume today - it's starting. NOW. Not next semester like I thought it would. I feel like I'm living in the unknown.
Faith is still here, I don't doubt God.

You know when you get up in the night to go to do whatever, and you're walking quietly, slowly through the pitch black? You feel like any moment you will trip on some huge obstacle in your room that wasn't there when you want to bed, or you'll run into a wall that moved after you fell asleep? And then after a certain point, you feel more comfortable and stop walking like an awkward, paranoid freak. I feel kind of like that freak right now. I know the end is right around the corner, and although I may bump a corner or two, I'll still get there fine.

It took me awhile to realize, or maybe just admit it, that all these "plans" and "ideas" that I kept saying were God's plans were really... mine. It wasn't so much the plans themselves, just the route or order of them came from me, not Him. It takes a lot of prayer to get those desires out of your heart... they're not completely out of mine - even though I know it's for the better.

"Curiosity abounds. Excitement fights to shine through. Fear and self-doubt dominate. If nothing else, the in between seasons are great reminders to hold life lightly. Hang on too tight - to your own version - and you are bound to be heartbroken." (Jenny Simmons)

Waiting It Out.

"Sometimes what you want to do and what God wants you to do are two different things. I suggest you go with God because... well, for one: He loves you, and two: He knows what's best. Even if it hurts at the time, being healthy is way better in the end." (taken from Jessica Moritz)

When I first saw that, it hit me in this face for two reasons.
a) too often I think I focus on what I want instead of what He wants
b) even if it hurts now, He knows what's best and could be saving me from more hurt

I'm a senior in college. Yep, it's that year. That year of huge decisions.

Do I know what's going to happen? No.
Do I have a few ideas? Yes.

I look at the past several years, and see how He timed things perfectly - over and over. God is able to handle every detail, and even the biggest situations. My brain knows this, but I'm human and something inside of me still wants to know, still wants control.

I think part of it is that I'm so excited about the future. I'm not scared to go out "there," I'm only scared that I'll end up homeless or jobless. But, totally excited about having a real design job, moving across the country, and all that jazz.

The fact that I've never been a patient person has never been more evident than now.


Isaiah 30:18 says, "For the Lord is a FAITHFUL God. Blessed are those who WAIT for His help."

Summer Recap.

Summer is basically over.
And, it was a summer.

Although I tried not to compare, this summer didn't compare as well to last year.
It was different, but in a good way. It was still impactful.

This summer had it's challenges. Different people, same job, similar guests, crazy schedules. I'd like to say that through all the difficulties, I grew a lot and had some major break through, but that isn't entirely true.

Did I learn, did I grow, did I change, did I finally let go of some things? Yes.

Life is changing. It's beautiful, even when it's frustrating.
It's messy, sometimes I feel like my head is just an unsolved puzzle.

He is entirely faithful. Faithful to His promises, faithful to transform our hearts, faithful to work everything out for our good, faithful and sovereign.

The best part about our God is that He changes things and provides for us, sometimes before we even know we need it, and sometimes when we don't know why we need something. But, He knew I needed this summer.


My favorites of the summer include...
- rooming with Kelli again. none of that awkward, at times annoying, adjusting to a new roommate. it was like we had never stopped being roomies. the half-asleep glares, taking naps together (as in, at the same time but in our own beds), the late nights, the talks, the laughs, and... the one crying session.
- seeing why God brought certain people into my life. some to help me, some to help them. many of those Georgia people I know I will be friends with for a looooong time :)
- covenant leader group, always what I looked forward to every weekend. a group of devoted, smart, true friends. not to mention the family that let us into their home, laughed with us, fed us, and taught us.
- taco bell or dunkin donuts run. these things seem insignificant, but I tend to find the most joy in the smallest things... the trips were fun, spontaneous, and pointless, but just more memories we made.

oh... and baby-sitting for Addison Road.

Purposeful Accidents.

Last night, I listened to Michael Kelly speak at the Collegiate Week service. He said something that I've been thinking about a lot lately.

"There are many situations in life that happen so coincidentally that it almost seems on purpose."

When looking back at the last few years, that's all I see.

Dislike my town during high school so much that I want to get away.
[which leads me to WT, not KSU like I had thought]
Attend Collegiate Week two weeks prior to starting college.
[I like to think of this as one big pivotal moment]
Attend Collegiate Week a second year, recommit my life to Christ.
[join leadership team at BSM]
Decide to spend a summer away.. in Glorieta.
[meet Aaron]

Then there's smaller things like sharing purple paint with Taylor my freshman year - we are now best friends, the roommates I have had and will have, friends I have through camp, the classes I've taken, the job I have...

Things that seemed so simple at the moment, I now see as small pieces of what He is sewing together.


Jesus, I don't know what You're working out right now, but You haven't failed me yet.

Great is Thy Faithfulness.

I am a control freak sometimes. Not in the aspect of friends or Aaron, but more in situations. Most of the time I would prefer to drive in a group, because if it's my car, I can control where and when we go (for the most part), rather than be under someone else's control.

"The question, “are we there yet?” reveals something about human nature. We want to know exactly where we’re going, and we want to know exactly when we’ll get there. That’s a nice way of saying we’re control freaks."

I'm also one of those people who likes to know the game plan. What time are we leaving, what's the plan for the night... really, my detail-oriented style just comes out in many aspects of life. In case you hadn't noticed.

If you had talked to me earlier this year, I was totally game for life after graduation. some people want to avoid the real world. not me - let's do this. Wasn't really nervous, I knew God had a plan, life would just unfold. Well, reality hit a few weeks ago. not that I'm anti-real world now, but the nerves and questions have set in. My game plan hit a glitch and now I have no idea what the 4th quarter looks like. (look at me using sports analogies!)

On my window, I currently have written part of Psalm 89. More specifically, one sentence: You are entirely faithful. I serve and love an entirely faithful and sovereign God. Yet, between my human tendencies and Satan... fear and expectations set in. A year or two ago, I came across a quote that says, His timing is not always our own. Great quote, love it, instantly memorized it and is still stuck in my brain. It wasn't until this summer that I think the fullness of this truth hit me.

Uncertainty is not something I deal with greatly... especially in  "big" situations. But I'm starting to learn that maybe God let's us sit in uncertainty in an attempt to grow our faith and dependence on Him, and to show us His faithfulness.

Tonight our staff did a prayer "exercise" (for lack of a better word), and one of the things we prayed about/over, was His faithfulness. We were to start sentences with, "God I remember you working when..." ...wow. By the end of that prayer, I was crying because I've been reminding myself that He is faithful and food, etc. But to actually recall circumstances and situations in which He was faithful and worked things out for my good was completely different.

I'm thankful for grace in these times where I'm too stubborn to let go.

Reflection.

Summertime has begun.

It has been an interesting first week of summer, being back in New Mexico. Waves of emotion between excitement, anxiety, fear and peace. This place and the people last year did so much for me, and I'd like to think I did the same for other people.

Not a lot of summer staff has arrived yet, so it's been a quieter week, allowing time for relaxation and alone time. As usual, the last few days have been thinking a lot about the last semester, and year. I've grown immensely from where I was this time last year. Life has changed, and I've learned through the good and bad times. Lost friends, gained friends, fell in love, traveled and worked my butt off.

Not having a social life this spring was rough, but the 4.0 at the end was pretty nice. But, for once, I almost agreed with my professor... I felt a huge sense of satisfaction with my grades, but wondered if missing out on fun times and community was really worth it. I felt a pull from God to break away from my community. I had a new one to join, one that is building and growing, but not as tight-knit.

Satan used my busy schedule and lack of community against me. I missed the accountability and just being able to talk things out. That is one of the reasons I was so ready to come back to New Mexico - there's community here, even outside the covenant groups.

I can already see reasons I was brought back here, and am reminded of God's faithfulness. I am excited to see how the Lord is going to work not just in me, but my co-workers and in our guests. He is so good. Even though I am being continually transformed, I'm ready for this "season" and what's to come.

Life Lessons.

The Lord brings people into our life for various reasons, one of those reasons being to teach us. It may be in a literal way like a Bible study leader, or it can be not as literal and just be the friendship and the stories and insights that are shared.

I made two (okay, four) new friends last fall. April and Brandon (with their two kids), became my adoptive parents. Before you freak out wondering why I was up for adoption - it was through the college service I attended at a church in town. It's called Adopt-a-Buff, and it just gives students a family in town to hang out with, do laundry if needed, maybe even baby-sit!

So, I went over for dinner and laundry every so often, but then we discovered a mutual love of Grey's Anatomy. Then it turned into laundry, dinner, coffee and Grey's. Unfortunately, my Grey's Anatomy/coffee dates have come to a stop - but for a good reason. :) April and Brandon (and their kids, they're not leaving them behind) are headed overseas to be missionaries for a few years.

This family taught me so many things, much like I mentioned earlier - just with sharing stories and insights. But, just being in their house once in awhile taught me so much. They are amazing parents, and it's obvious by the way their kids act. In relationship with each other, and with their kids, there was a huge spirit of grace and love. Their actions constantly reminded of Christ's relationship with us. Their house is truly based on Biblical truths and standards.

Then, today I read this article that my friend wrote. I realized that the longer I've been dating my boyfriend, the more I want for girls to note sell themselves short. There is a difference between Christian men and Godly men, and the Godly one will be well worth the wait (I seem to think so at least!)

I happened to stumble across this blog post earlier, which seems to prove my point. Make sure to read the text, see what he loves about her and how he pursues her. There's not much else to say about this post, because it speaks for itself. :)

OneLove.

Beach Reach is all about loving on people.
Essentially, we are a free taxi and free restaurant. This year, over 700 Christ-followers traveled down to SPI for a week. From 8pm - 4am, "teams" loaded up in vans and provided free rides to wherever the spring breakers wanted to go - the bar, the gas station, their hotel, Whataburger, etc. We also served a midnight pancake breakfast by one of the largest clubs on the island, and another breakfast outside our church (home base) in the mornings from 8am-12pm.

There was also the handing out of the hotline cards and cleaning Coca-Cola beach every morning (a different team each night, around 4am), when it's layered with cans, trash, shoes, lost cell phones and credit cards. On this beach, during the day, there was also a large sand sculpture - Christ's face and Christ emerging from the tomb were two I saw. One of the most important parts of the week was our prayer room at the church. We have a text message (or tweet) system set up, so while one-half of the team is out giving rides, the other half is on base interceding for their teammates and spring breakers.

The beautiful part about this past week, is that the Lord didn't just change lives of spring breakers, but also moved in the hearts of Beach Reachers. Through all the exhaustion, sharing, caffeine-overloads, sunburns and hours of praying...something inside of us changed.

On the first night of Beach Reach, all 700 of us gathered in a parking lot and prayed in small groups. We prayed for each other, the spring breakers, and everything that will happen that week. I talked with a girl that was a first-timer, and she asked why I came back to Beach Reach and to share about last year. The Lord has given me a heart for college students, especially the girls - and I know it's not just because I'm a college student, I can tell it's much larger than that. That reason, and the fact that I could've very easily been on the beach partying if the Lord hadn't changed my life, is why I go to Beach Reach. I want them to know there are more satisfying things in life.



There were four people I met that impacted me the most this week:
Yadi is a girl who grew up with a father who is a pastor. She knows the Truth, and hasn't totally rebelled against her faith, but was tired of 'that life' and just wants to have fun and party right now. I didn't get to share my testimony with her, but I so wish I could have.


By far, my favorite night of Beach Reach was Tuesday night. WT had the shift of working the midnight pancake breakfast. It was totally of the Lord that this conversation happened, because at first... I wasn't having any conversations, it was like I was invisible. Then, randomly, my new friend David walks up to Amanda and I and starts talking. Like most conversations at Beach Reach, it started with small talk about school, life, the island, etc. Turns out, he was a Mormon missionary for two years - but then stopped because he was tired of people throwing dog food and fruit at him while he was on his bike.

Our conversation eventually turned to faith and Christianity. I could tell he wanted Christ, I saw it in his eyes. I ended up giving him my Bible, yes... with all my underlining and notes. He had only ever read the Bible in the Old King James version, and I know he needed it more in that moment than I did. He told me that when he used to pray, he never "felt" God. Which, oddly enough, I had a conversation about last semester, but I couldn't get across to him how God is so much more than a feeling. It's an active relationship that we have to work daily on and grow in - and even then there will be bad days. He also knew that if he turned to Christ, he probably would need to stop partying. Although it was frustrating to not be there to see him accept Christ, I have been praying for him daily, and I know the Lord will continue to work in his heart.


On the beach, I talked to Jacob, who is already a Christian but really wanted to grow in his relationship with Christ. He and his wife can't find a Catholic church that they get spiritually fed at, and he doesn't have a daily walk with God; Sunday is enough for him. We talked about different denominations, spending time daily in the Word, and religion vs. relationship. I tried so badly to convey the importance of a daily relationship with God, but really all I can do is pray that God continues to work in his heart.


On our last night, Clay and I talked with a guy named Andrew. He grew up in Catholic school, and went overseas with the military for awhile. Clay talked about an active relationship with Christ, trusting in someone we can't see, and about sacrificing for God, after Andrew said he doesn't want to give up partying. Both Jacob and Andrew made a comment about how they try and live good lives, they're not bad people, and so they felt that was enough. Even though I was the one that did some clarifying, it was a beautiful reminder of how I don't have to do x-number of things for Christ to accept and love me. No amount of "good deeds" will make me right with Him - the "good' things I do, are just out of worship and love and a reflection of what He's done for me.


I'm still trying to comprehend everything, while in a state of exhaustion. But, I do know that the Lord has given me a big burden for the people I talked about in this blog, as well as just the lost around me. I literally saw the process of one girl getting some "beads" and it broke my heart, I literally had no words. I know that this week is always a reminder of just how powerful prayer and community are - and not just on mission trips. The Lord works differently in everyone, and every person's testimony is so unique and just proves how good He is - sharing my faith for the first time was one of the most amazing things of my life.

On a lighter note, I am currently rocking the back-of-the-neck sunburn. I have very little voice left. Oh yeah, and my team forgot me one night (and I was told, even a second night!) And, almost all 80-some of our group that went now call me j-sho. :)


But seriously, the biggest take-away from this trip is being reminded that it's not just a "mission trip," but that we should be living mission-minded daily, and reaching out to everyone around us.

Day Fifteen.

Write about something you worry about a lot.


In the words of my boyfriend, I worry too much. I think there are things I worry about, and things I just ...think about a lot.


Right now, my biggest worry is this semester. 15 hours and two part-time jobs. Not to mention the extra activities, church and what little social life I do have. Almost done with my first week and I'm already feeling a little overwhelmed. 


Outside of this semester...
I'm not really worried about my future, as much as my professors try to scare me about that. Read the verse just this morning that reminded me God has a plan for my future. It may not be what I was expecting, but it's probably better than that anyways. 


Last night at Bible study, we talked about surrendering everything to the Lord. All of our hopes, dreams, fears, free time, school, relationships, all of it. Yes, the Lord was faithful to open my eyes to a few things I've been holding onto. Letting go is so much easier said than done, but it's truly the best step of obedience. 


I am one of those few that never changed her major during college. Yes, I have known for six years what I wanted to do. I remember two distinct times that I doubted and considered running another way, but decided to hang on a little bit longer - and the Lord affirms this is what I'm supposed to do more and more. When I think about the fact that I've known this for six years, I realize that God has something really good planned. And that makes me more excited than I can almost describe. 

That being said, I have no idea where I'm going or what's next. There's a lot of things I want after I graduate, but I wonder how many of them are just what I want, and how many are what He wants. I think more than the actual plans, I'm worried that I will act on my own desires, and not the Lord's. I'm worried I'll be too afraid or unwilling, or that I'll want something out of my desire before I follow Him. But, that's not what the Bible says; it doesn't say "if we feel like it," or "after.." but that we wholeheartedly and obediently follow Him. 

Battle.

Retreat: a period of seclusion, retirement, or solitude. The act or process of withdrawing, especially from something hazardous, formidable, or unpleasant. (example: college)


I think sometimes church retreats get a lot of crap; people consider them boring, or cliche. They don't want to spend more than 2 hours with some people, have to open up. I, on the other hand, love retreats. I love seclusion. And, as hard as it may be to believe, I love turning off my cell phone and not having a computer for days at a time. 


At the women's retreat I went to this weekend, we focused on the passage in Ephesians that talks about the armor of God. We put on and take up His armor. 


truth: agreement with final reality, His word IS our final reality. 
His truth redeems our past. [Isaiah 42:9]


righteousness: faultless in every situation
His righteousness ratifies our present. [Jeremiah 23:6]


peace: tranquility of the soul
His peace redefines our future.


and... faith.
The shield of faith is not just a defense, it can be an offensive weapon too. We can't always hide behind our shield, because Satan will use his arrows of insecurity, doubt, anxiety, nervousness, pride and arrogance and tear it to pieces. [Romans 10:17]


Another verse we focused on was 2 Corinthians 12:9-10, "...for my power is made perfect in weakness..." When I'm weak, and I want to give up and throw the towel in - His power is perfected. Not when I'm strong, but when I'm weak. And for Him to be strong, I have to take my hands off of the situation - let go. 


Isaiah 49:4 has been on my heart a lot lately, "I replied, “But my work seems so useless! I have spent my strength for nothing and to no purpose. Yet I leave it all in the Lord’s hand; I will trust God for my reward.”


Leave everything in His hands; the battles are the Lord's. 

Faith and Doubt.

As I looked at the cover of our church program, I thought to myself (okay, first I thought it was a good design), that sounds a lot like Hebrews 11:1. My life verse.

And I was right, that's what the message was about. How beautiful.


As believers, we take things by faith. But, even non-believers take things by faith. As you back out of the driveway, you subconsciously have faith that your brakes will work. As you walk in the building, you have faith that the architects did their job correctly and that the ceiling won't cave in. I loved when our pastor talked about that... because it's true. An even better point he made - even science takes faith. Think about it.

We don't ask for proof on everyday things; proof that the chef didn't spit in your food at the restaurant, proof that the architect wasn't drunk the night before he built that skyscraper. If we don't ask for proof on these things, why do we ask God for proof?

It's normal for believers to doubt. Our pastor pointed out that some of the strongest Christian leaders doubted at some point(s) in their life. Something else very interesting he said was that, faith and doubt can grow at the same time. Having doubt doesn't mean you are weak or you don't truly love Jesus. But faith, faith is something you can't manufacture - it's a gift from God.

We live by unbelievable faith. Faith that God is who He says He is, and will do what He says He will. We make decisions about things we don't know and things you can't see because God asks us to do so.

Everything involves something not yet seen. 


Cross the bridge from doubt to faith on God's promises.

Our pastor talked about how people question how he lives by faith, how he can be a man of such strong faith - believing in something he can't see or touch, and it's like Peter said,

Where else would we go?