Saturday, June 26, 2010

Camp Discovery.


Just a month, really. A hot one.
Never been a favorite of mine.

Until, on a very long drive, I got to thinking... June is actually special. It holds two of the sweetest memories in my life. First, church camp, where I gave my life to Christ 7 years ago. Second, Camp Discovery, where I met my best friend.

I'm one of those what-if people. While at camp this year, I got to really thinking and wondering not only what would life be like without diabetes, but without camp. I wonder how much camp has impacted my life, beyond what I can actually see. I mean, there's the countless friends and memories I've had over the years associated with camp. But, experiences, people, etc. shape your personality, desires, dreams... What about me would be different if I had never experienced camp? What would have happened back home the week I was at home?

The bigger question, do I care? I love camp. It's a part of me. I wouldn't trade a healthy pancreas if it meant I couldn't ever have camp. I would've missed out on SO much. This year at camp, the kids made these lists of the pros/cons of diabetes. One kid wrote under pro: "I like having diabetes because I know I'm smarter than all the non-diabetics." True that, dude.

Every year of camp is different, I mean, besides the obvious. I feel like every year I grow closer to two or three people. One activity is always a little more fun. There's always the favorite camper(s). This year really was different though. I had boy campers. Camp is usually female counselors with girls, and males with males. But, there was a shortage of male counselors and too many female counselors. At first, I wasn't too excited at the thought of boy campers. Turned out to be a blessing in disguise.

- The six of us girls who were guy counselors got our own cabin. Camperless cabin. Meaning, even though I didn't get to work with my best friend, Ellie, we got to be cabinmates. Along with my other two friends from camp. Our cabin was a little escape from the campers, and it was almost like camp all over again, but we got to have a "counselor-less cabin" in a way.
- I embraced the inner wilderness girl inside of me. I ate a centipede (cooked and seasoned). I went fishing. I didn't have to wait on little girls who couldn't decide what to wear, and I didn't have to listen to them giggle at night.
- Ellie and I went on a few walks. We walked to a beautiful field of sunflowers early one morning, which looked like a scene from a movie. We walked to Vesper's Point, where we had gone as campers years ago. The sunrise + hills = unbelievable beauty. There was also a rock that had the "be still" verse on it. And one night, at 1 am, we hiked up there again to stargaze (though, that got interrupted by summer staff, but that's a different story).

Call it a camp of weirdos, call it fat camp, sugar camp... call it whatever you want. It's my camp. It's the place that made me realize I'm not a freak for having diabetes, that I'm not alone. Diabetes is not a bucket of fun all the time, if ever. It does make for some good jokes! But, God has a plan for causing me to have a defective pancreas. So far, it gave me a best friend. Someone who understands me probably more than myself. My bffer. My CLL. I say, God did good on this one. :)

Tuesday, June 15, 2010


I read a blog this morning (here) that talked about reality, and sometimes we don't want reality. I want calm. I want peace. I want a break. I want my problems to go away.

I don't write this with the thought of life being perfect. I don't write it with voice that wants to whine about everything that is wrong. We live in a fallen world of depraved humans. And it's this morning that I'm once again reminded my hope can only be in the Lord. I sit here and think about how many times I try and find solace in the things of this world... friends, running, food, music, etc. And I think about how even though these things are good and do provide some comfort - it's temporary. But HIS word will be my anchor when my faith is tossed like the waves.

As Beth Moore stated in my devotion this morning: God is not the author of destruction, God will repay evil, our hope must be in Him, and no matter HOW bad things look, God is good.

God doesn't give me what I always want. And as much as I want peace and calm, I don't need it. I've only been awake for two hours, and I've already been sweetly reminded that our God is stronger and better than anything. I cling to the cross because it's the only immovable thing in my life. The hope I have in Him is sweeter than any peace and calm in this world.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Moment of the Week.

Last night, I met (part of) Addison Road.

I shook Travis'
hand. [second guy]
And I talked to Jenny.

That's all.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010


Last night in worship we sang, "He Loves Us" ... and how MANY times have I sang this song?

But the verse that says, "and I realize just how BEAUTIFUL You are..." just suddenly overwhelmed me.

How beautiful is our God.

How He made us.
How He made sunsets.
How He made mountains.
How He made oceans.
How He made love.
How He made music.
How He made art.

How He loves us.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

No Different.

I do not hide my diabetes. Nor do I broadcast it (well, I guess unless you count this blog). Most people find out along the course of our friendship, usually by means of happening to see my pump, medic bracelet or me drinking Diet Coke.

This summer though, for some reason I just tried to keep it hidden, unless someone actually noticed. And slowly, more and more people have found out. Some responses were just indifferent, maybe a few questions.

But, there has been something I've noticed about most of the responses. A look. A look on their faces, in their eyes. Of shock and surprise... and not in the way of, "wow, you have diabetes..." but it's more a look of, "she has diabetes... and she's normal..." (or at least normal as I can be).

Did I keep it quiet so people would get to know me for me, and not as the diabetic girl? Maybe. Probably. Am I insecure about my diabetes? No.

I was thinking the other day about how society views normalcy. How quickly people tag others as weird, or different. God didn't make us all the same. It doesn't matter how someone dresses, what their hobbies are, where they're from, how they talk, etc. We should enjoy the fellowship of other believers, and rejoice in the fact that we share in the relationship with Christ with them.

I'm not writing this from the view of thinking I don't judge. Just last week I saw a young lady walking alongside the city street wearing a fanny pack, and chuckled a little. A girl here on staff was doing cross-stitch the other day. My first thought was, "That's a little..." and then I stopped and replaced the thought with, "Yeah. I used to do that too."

I'm diabetic. Call me weird.
I don't follow fashion. Call me different.
I love reading. Call me a nerd.

None of it should matter. God MADE us different.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Work in Progress.

A friend gave me the idea to focus on one verse for a week... to pray about what things I need to work on and have God change in me.

This week, my verse is from Philippians 4 -- "Always be full of joy in the Lord." Too often I let things in my life, the things of this world, affect my attitude and spirit.

Instead of going into Santa Fe this week for church, I decided to just have some alone time and listen to a sermon from my church back home, Hillside. And, total God thing that I did - because the sermon I listened to was from Philippians 1, talking about joy.

I love the book of Philippians, and I love even more when I read it with new eyes. Verse three starts with "every time" - meaning EVERY time, not dependent on circumstances. "Every time I think of you..." meaning his joy and gratitude for those people wasn't based on circumstances or past events. He was thankful for them and filled with joy just because they were fellow believers sharing in their relationship with Christ.

There is also joy in knowing God is not done working in each of us. We're all "under construction."

Happiness is based on circumstances. Joy goes beyond that, and comes from my relationship with God.

"Don't pursue happiness, pursue joy. While happiness is rooted in circumstances, joy is rooted in relationship with Christ."

Friday, June 4, 2010

Words With Friends.

"But, first remember, remember, remember the Signs. Say them to yourself when you wake in the morning and when you lie down at night, and when you wake in the middle of the night. And whatever strange things may happen to you, let nothing turn your mind from following the Signs. ... That is why it is so important to know them by heart and pay no attention to appearances. Remember the Signs and believe Signs. Nothing else matters." -- from The Silver Chair (Chronicles of Narnia)

"So commit yourselves wholeheartedly to these words of mine. Tie them to your hands and wear them on your forehead as reminders. Teach them to your children. Talk about them when you are at home and when you are on the road, when you are going to bed and when you are getting up. Write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates, so that as long as the sky remains above the earth, you and your children may flourish in the land the Lord swore to give your ancestors." - Deuteronomy 11:18-21

I love this passage of Scripture. I fell in love with it a month or so ago. I'm not sure what it is about it.... but the passage is so powerful to me. There's different parts that stick out to me:

"wholeheartedly" -- God says we are to love Him with all of our heart, soul and mind. And I know that my relationship with God can never stop growing, that I can always grow deeper in love with Him. And, unfortunately, I know there are always parts of me that I hold back.

"Teach them to your children." -- I've heard so many stories, myself included, about young adults 'growing up in the church' and this and that. I don't want my children to JUST grow up in the church, go to youth group and church camp. (And, I don't want them to live sheltered lives either.) But, I want them to HAVE a relationship with God... to not just know about God, but love Him and serve Him.

and then the last few lines where it talks about writing it everywhere and talking about it all the time -- Scripture tells us that our mouths should constantly praise God, that our conversations should be centered around Him. I have scripture written all over my room (and will be, in my apartment) because they serve as excellent reminders. I know that my conversation does not focus on Him enough, or doesn't even glorify Him enough... But I want it to, and it should.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

His Image.

It amazes me what the Lord has done in just these past few weeks.

Over the past several days, the Lord has really been reminding me that my identity is in Him. I am His. He chose me. He made me.

My identity is not found in anything of this world, or anyone on Earth. HOW AMAZING. He is the only good, constant, firm thing in my life - and when I put my confidence or identity in anything else I fall.

I'm overwhelmed at the grace of being one of God's children. My mind cannot even fully wrap around it. It's not that I haven't known this fact/grace... I've known it for years and years. But it hasn't been until recently that I've embraced this freedom. That I don't have to try and fit in with this world.

Any good part in/of me is not of myself, it's Him. I'm not an inherently good person, I'm an inherently BAD person that sometimes does good things. It's only when Christ lives through me that I do good.

I read a blog/Bible study sorta thing yesterday, that talks on purity (but not just sexual purity, purity of all sorts). It said something that really opened my eyes: that our self-esteem is not based on anything we think of ourselves, or anything we do - it is built on Him. I should seek to promote His worth, not mine - I am so unworthy in comparison to Him.

"Christ didn't die to improve our self-esteem - He died to give us His. He didn't come to build up our self-worth - He came to knock it down."