Processing.

It has been an interesting, rough few weeks.

Maybe I was in denial, or being naive, or... something. But, when I came back from Christmas break, reality hit me pretty hard.

First and foremost, it is really hard to be away from the one you love. It's no lie that LDR's are not for the faint of heart. Luckily, Aaron is a huge encouragement and supporter... and listens to me whine :)

Secondly, I feel like I should write a book after all this job searching is done. And, I think the hardest part is knowing that I have barely begun the process. And I'm not exactly referring to just the job search - because I started that way back in September. But I've only had preliminary interviews, so I know more in-depth interviews in my future, not to mention apartment looking and applications, thinking about insurance, moving trucks, and changing my license plates, on and on...

I have my good days and my bad days. The good days, I wake up and am ready to take on the day, enjoying my last semester of college, even with all the homework and stress. I am confident that God will lead me to the next step of life, that in 6 or 8 months I will be settled in, working, etc. The bad days, I'm plagued with fear and doubt (no thanks to Satan for that one), wondering if I'm going to homeless, and never be able to put these four years of knowledge to work.

I may have to take a leap of faith in a few months. Which scares me, incredibly. I'm a planner, I like to be prepared. That's not how God works all the time, and that can be hard to embrace.  

But, I have learned some things through this process, which I have decided is called "growing up" - maybe you've heard of it. I know God does what is best, even if we don't think it's fair. I know God doesn't need our permission to mess up our little plans (which He has been doing a lot of lately.). His timing is not always my timing - He will reveal things when it's right. Life creates more questions than answers, but that's when I have turn to Him.

Our greatest test may be that we must trust God's goodness even though we don't understand why our lives are going a certain way. That simply requires a change in perspective, because right NOW is right on time.

And as hard as it may be, understanding everything is not required to follow His path.

Last Semester.

Christmas break is officially over. (It was yesterday, if we're being technical.)
My last big break before I join the real world. Even teachers got about two weeks, but not the rest of us! Which is okay, I guess, but it's just weird to think that that was it.

It was a good break for the most part, and weirdly, wasn't short. Usually you hear college students talking about how the break flew by and whatnot. And not that my break was long either... it was a much-needed and well-appreciated break.

I went home right after finals to clean out and pack up my room before we started traveling. I've taken with me or sold a large majority of my belongings, but there was stuff I hadn't touched or thought about in a long time. Of course, a large majority of it went to be sold or thrown away, but there were a few things I kept. It was funny to re-read old notes, old journal entries, see pictures that never got put in an album. So many memories packed into boxes (or simply thrown away). If having a job interview didn't make my graduating more realistic, packing up boxes to move sure did.

I then went to spend time with my sister - also probably the last time we'll spend that much time together for awhile. We got massages, drank Starbucks, ate Chipotle, watched movies... and I helped her at work. She teaches junior high math, so rather than sitting at home all day, I went to her classroom. I didn't do a whole lot of "helping" but it was still fun and interesting nonetheless.

Did the Christmas thing. This family, that family, these gifts, those gifts. Same routine every year. It's always good to see family, and it's interesting watching my younger cousins grow up. I only see them once or twice a year, and now that I'm getting old enough to start "feeling old" - I notice how much they're growing. It was weird to think my aunts and uncles, and older cousins, did the same to me!

Then, I went to Georgia. A great start to my semester, and great ending to my break. I attended Passion with two of my best friends. One thing I took away from those few days was being reminded how much I need to be diligent about being in the Word, and what it means to really follow God's will.

As a soon-to-be graduate, I want nothing more than to do God's will. As Louie Giglio said, it doesn't matter where we're at or what we're doing, His will for our lives is to glorify Him. And, it's not a "yes-I-know-that-but-what's-His-REAL-will-for-my-life" deal, there's no secondary part. Yes, He has a plan for our lives and whatnot... but that's it. I think rather than praying about knowing His will, we should pray about how/where He wants us to proclaim Him.

So, one last semester before me. Lots of lasts, more memories, and hopefully some answers for what's to come after graduation.

Try, try again.

Over the last few weeks, people have asked how I'm doing, how my semester went, etc. I hate fake responses, and so I told the truth... doing okay, the semester was a little rough. I always find it a little funny when I say that to people because they're not expecting it, they were expecting the vague, monotonous "good...." reply that everyone else says.

I've had worse semesters for sure, but between homework always kicking my butt, hardly seeing friends, not to mention that it continues to be harder and harder to be away from Aaron. Oh, and the endless and frustrating job search.

I am in the exact same place I was at the beginning of the semester. Square one. I still have nothing waiting for me after graduation. Yes, it's still a little soon to already have a job, but after sending 75 job emails with little to no response... it's hard to stay positive.

I'm a planner.

I have to be ahead of the game, be organized, be on top of things, know the when and where. I don't enjoy just "wingin' it" or waiting until the last minute. So, to sit here without answers is difficult, to say the least.

This semester will be very interesting, and probably more trying than the last. More emails, sending resumes, hopefully some interviews. Not to mention all that school and work business, plus a few trips :)

I have to daily give all my worries and dreams over to God, otherwise Satan starts to use it against me, and I become very discouraged and stressed.

My hope is that five months from right now I will be in some stage of the moving process, or maybe sitting at my new job. The only way I'm going to get there is with Him, because it's all His plans. It's a daily struggle reminding myself it's never my plans.

Walking Blind.

I love Addison Road, as you should know... since they appear in my blog a lot. The lead singer, Jenny, blogs off and on as well, and today she wrote a blog. This blog. I think her blog is one of my favorite's to read because she doesn't cover up things with happy rainbows and trite sayings.

Although I am not in a life storm right now, this is one of those blogs that just spoke something to me. It made me realize that so often I feel like I'm supposed to be in a storm, or the opposite... whatever that "part" is called. I haven't made any huge life adjustments like she has, but I still feel like I'm in the in-between.

I'm en route to graduation, I'm beginning to see the light. I mean, I sent off my first resume today - it's starting. NOW. Not next semester like I thought it would. I feel like I'm living in the unknown.
Faith is still here, I don't doubt God.

You know when you get up in the night to go to do whatever, and you're walking quietly, slowly through the pitch black? You feel like any moment you will trip on some huge obstacle in your room that wasn't there when you want to bed, or you'll run into a wall that moved after you fell asleep? And then after a certain point, you feel more comfortable and stop walking like an awkward, paranoid freak. I feel kind of like that freak right now. I know the end is right around the corner, and although I may bump a corner or two, I'll still get there fine.

It took me awhile to realize, or maybe just admit it, that all these "plans" and "ideas" that I kept saying were God's plans were really... mine. It wasn't so much the plans themselves, just the route or order of them came from me, not Him. It takes a lot of prayer to get those desires out of your heart... they're not completely out of mine - even though I know it's for the better.

"Curiosity abounds. Excitement fights to shine through. Fear and self-doubt dominate. If nothing else, the in between seasons are great reminders to hold life lightly. Hang on too tight - to your own version - and you are bound to be heartbroken." (Jenny Simmons)

Waiting It Out.

"Sometimes what you want to do and what God wants you to do are two different things. I suggest you go with God because... well, for one: He loves you, and two: He knows what's best. Even if it hurts at the time, being healthy is way better in the end." (taken from Jessica Moritz)

When I first saw that, it hit me in this face for two reasons.
a) too often I think I focus on what I want instead of what He wants
b) even if it hurts now, He knows what's best and could be saving me from more hurt

I'm a senior in college. Yep, it's that year. That year of huge decisions.

Do I know what's going to happen? No.
Do I have a few ideas? Yes.

I look at the past several years, and see how He timed things perfectly - over and over. God is able to handle every detail, and even the biggest situations. My brain knows this, but I'm human and something inside of me still wants to know, still wants control.

I think part of it is that I'm so excited about the future. I'm not scared to go out "there," I'm only scared that I'll end up homeless or jobless. But, totally excited about having a real design job, moving across the country, and all that jazz.

The fact that I've never been a patient person has never been more evident than now.


Isaiah 30:18 says, "For the Lord is a FAITHFUL God. Blessed are those who WAIT for His help."

Goodness.

I read a blog this morning (here) that talked about reality, and sometimes we don't want reality. I want calm. I want peace. I want a break. I want my problems to go away.

I don't write this with the thought of life being perfect. I don't write it with voice that wants to whine about everything that is wrong. We live in a fallen world of depraved humans. And it's this morning that I'm once again reminded my hope can only be in the Lord. I sit here and think about how many times I try and find solace in the things of this world... friends, running, food, music, etc. And I think about how even though these things are good and do provide some comfort - it's temporary. But HIS word will be my anchor when my faith is tossed like the waves.

As Beth Moore stated in my devotion this morning: God is not the author of destruction, God will repay evil, our hope must be in Him, and no matter HOW bad things look, God is good.

God doesn't give me what I always want. And as much as I want peace and calm, I don't need it. I've only been awake for two hours, and I've already been sweetly reminded that our God is stronger and better than anything. I cling to the cross because it's the only immovable thing in my life. The hope I have in Him is sweeter than any peace and calm in this world.