The In-Between.

Well, here I sit, amongst piles of my belongings and unpacked boxes. In front of me sits a bicycle in two parts, my baby book, and a new pack of knives. On one side of me is fingernail polish, the other side, my huge wall canvas protected by a large black trash bag.

I am in the in-between.

I am halfway unpacked, waiting for my fiancé to appear again so we can decide how to decorate and arrange our future home. I have a home, but I'm not settled in.... I'm in between.

My last day of work was 25 days ago. I start my new job tomorrow. I thought these few weeks in Georgia between arrival and when I started my job would be boring. Wrong. I feel like I got here last week. I can't even remember everything I've done since arriving here in Georgia. Thankful that this "in between" piece ends tomorrow.

I had a lot of plans and ideas in my head as to how life was going to look these past few weeks. A few months ago, I thought I would find a full-time job, move into a two-bedroom apartment or small house, find a new home church and join a community group to make friends. That's not exactly what's happening... and when I say not exactly, I mean pretty much none of that happened. I did find a part-time job, and am searching for a second. I did find a pretty great one-bedroom apartment, that has awesome things like a fitness center on campus. I think we have decided North Point will be our new home church, the preaching and worship are both great.

But, I can't join a community group yet. They have a special time twice a year for creating groups, and the next one isn't until August. Which will work great, because then Aaron and I can join a group together. But, that leaves me... in-between. No friends. No community. I will come home at three everyday to my empty apartment, and no one to hang out with. Yes, I have Aaron, that I will see (hopefully) a few times a week, but he cannot and should not be my only friend.

Not a lot of luck yet on finding a second part-time job either. Part of me wants the job to help pay the bills. The other part of me wants the job so I have something to do besides sit alone at home, and maybe I can make a friend or two. I realize I have only been in this town for about a week, and these things take some time. But, if nothing changes, it's looking to be a lonely summer.

It's still setting in that this is home. This is now my permanent address. For the past four years, I had my school address and my permanent address. Home. It feels temporary right now. I think I have been waiting and longing for this so long, that now it's here and it feels surreal still. A small, small part of me wants to go back to Texas. Not because it's Texas, but because it was comfortable, familiar, easy. I had friends. I had a place that felt like home.

Now, don't get me wrong. I love Georgia so far. I love living in the city. But, I hate being in the in-between. It's a lot like having plans in limbo. I like to have things planned out, not waiting for things to happen. I am in-between jobs, in-between friends... in-between single and married. God has already provided so much - a job, a place to live, my fiancé. Clinging to Hebrews 10:23 in this in-between time, "...for He who promised is faithful."

Next Chapter.

I live in a cardboard world, or at least that's what it feels like lately.

I would say about half my apartment is already packed up in boxes right now. I've gotten rid of (either thrown away or donated) a bunch of random junk/crap that I've accumulated, and it's very refreshing.

Packing has made this "next chapter" in my life all the more real. I need to downsize because it won't be just my place, but it will be our place in a few months. Things I crafted over the years (that I'm not even sure why I kept) seem to be the most common discarded item the last few days.

I think the scariest part of packing has been the uncertainty.

I can't tell myself to pack because I'm moving to Georgia to become a designer at .....

I tell myself to pack because I'm moving to Georgia without a place to live or a job, quite possibly the scariest and most ambitious thing I've done. And, when I say quite possibly, I mean definitely.

I feel like I'm living in two different worlds right now, as I'm studying frantically for finals  and worrying about moving companies and finding a career.

I am not a last-minute person. I once turned in a project three weeks early. I started job searching in September, and with more intensity this semester. In my heart, I know that my God always comes through, at just the right time - and He's never late. But, my head does not like this uncertainty.

I am waiting expectantly for things to fall in place as only the way God would have it. But, my patience is wearing thin, and it's a daily struggle to fight against frustration and anxiety.

I know there are several people praying that I find a job soon (and a place to live after that...), to which I am incredibly grateful. It seems everyday someone else has found a job, and I know soon I will be able to say God answered more prayers. 

I just read an article that said 50% of graduates are unemployed after graduation, and live in their parents basement.

So, what am I doing after graduation?
Trusting God.

Walking Blind.

I love Addison Road, as you should know... since they appear in my blog a lot. The lead singer, Jenny, blogs off and on as well, and today she wrote a blog. This blog. I think her blog is one of my favorite's to read because she doesn't cover up things with happy rainbows and trite sayings.

Although I am not in a life storm right now, this is one of those blogs that just spoke something to me. It made me realize that so often I feel like I'm supposed to be in a storm, or the opposite... whatever that "part" is called. I haven't made any huge life adjustments like she has, but I still feel like I'm in the in-between.

I'm en route to graduation, I'm beginning to see the light. I mean, I sent off my first resume today - it's starting. NOW. Not next semester like I thought it would. I feel like I'm living in the unknown.
Faith is still here, I don't doubt God.

You know when you get up in the night to go to do whatever, and you're walking quietly, slowly through the pitch black? You feel like any moment you will trip on some huge obstacle in your room that wasn't there when you want to bed, or you'll run into a wall that moved after you fell asleep? And then after a certain point, you feel more comfortable and stop walking like an awkward, paranoid freak. I feel kind of like that freak right now. I know the end is right around the corner, and although I may bump a corner or two, I'll still get there fine.

It took me awhile to realize, or maybe just admit it, that all these "plans" and "ideas" that I kept saying were God's plans were really... mine. It wasn't so much the plans themselves, just the route or order of them came from me, not Him. It takes a lot of prayer to get those desires out of your heart... they're not completely out of mine - even though I know it's for the better.

"Curiosity abounds. Excitement fights to shine through. Fear and self-doubt dominate. If nothing else, the in between seasons are great reminders to hold life lightly. Hang on too tight - to your own version - and you are bound to be heartbroken." (Jenny Simmons)

Changes.

Wow, it's been awhile since I've blogged.
This can be equated to many things: lack of free time being number one, a lot going on and not a lot going on at the same time, I haven't had much quiet or "be still" time to process... which means lack of time for blog-worthy thoughts to form in my brain.

Something God has been reminding me about over the last week that it's not about me.

Yes, God cares about and knows our every little desire and dream, but we have to surrender those over to Him. Maybe those things happen, maybe they don't - but He sees our whole journey. He knows what's best for us, whether or not we need this or that.

I love that God knows everything before it happens. He knew the conversations I was going to have yesterday, that I was going to write this today, what I will do in a week. He knows when we'll mess up, yet He never forsakes us. He does nothing but continually guide us. I look at my life over the past year, over the past three years, and see nothing but how He has guided me so beautifully... people, situations, places.

I've realized lately how much I've been thinking about what I want, me me me. Most of these things haven't been bad, but I've been selfish and discontent. I want my desires to be His desires, my heart to be like His.

I've definitely grown a lot and learned a lot over the past year, but I still see the Lord working patience and contentment in me, among many other things. I know I also need to make some changes. Change is not overnight and it's not temporary, but He is always there in the midst of it.

"If God doesn’t lead you along the shortest path to your goal, don’t complain or resist. Follow willingly and trust Him to lead you safely around unseen obstacles. He can see the end of your journey from the beginning, and He knows the safest and best route."

Day Twenty-one.

How has your life changed over the past year?

Whoa.


How has life changed? How has life not changed? 


I think my relationship with Christ has grown and changed, which has in turn changed many things. Certain things and people are no longer in my life - most of which I'm okay with, but wish was different. My heart has been opened to missions. I'm so aware of Christ's love and beauty, I see it everywhere. I sponsor a little Bolivian girl. I met one of the most amazing, Christ-like men I've ever known. I've experienced joy, freedom and peace like never before. 


Then there's other stuff like, I moved out of the dorm. I live by myself. I got a new job. My idea of what I want to do after I graduate has changed. I now know the gloriousness of Gungor music. I've actually eaten at one of the Thai restaurants in Canyon. I have a legit camera now. My pump now has a name.

Uncertainty Leads to Faith.

Some people have a life verse. I don't know if I truly have one... I have some major favorite ones. Some that I use for different circumstances. I just love the Word. But, if I did have a "life verse".. this would be it:

"Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen, if gives us assurance about things we cannot see." - Hebrews 11:1.

It was the first verse I underlined in my Bible when I came to college. I was in the Cross Hall lobby at Angela's Bible study... we were supposed to be looking somewhere else, and I was flipping through and my eyes landed on that verse. That little tidbit is beside the point though.

I feel like for the first time, I'm living it out. Breathing it in. Embracing it.

I feel lost, surreal, maybe even purpose-less.

I'm not leading a Bible study, I don't have a "ministry" I guess you could say is how I feel. I feel as though many of the people I love dearly are far away from me, or soon will be. Relationships are different this year. There are so many things that I'm uncertain about, that I'm just crossing my fingers about and taking one step at a time.

That's what faith is about. Being uncertain and moving forward, trusting the One who does know. When we believe that God will fulfill His promises even though we don't see those promises materializing yet, we demonstrate true faith.

Today's church service was... unconventional, different, amazing. A huge part was talking about a change of heart, of spirit. That's me. I've changed. From two three years ago, a year ago, three months ago. Right now, I'm not sure what the next step is in this change. There's a lot of change in my life right now. If last September you would've told me I was going to live by myself, have a boyfriend halfway across the country and not lead a Bible study (which is funny, because I never expected to lead one in the first place)... I would've laughed.

It's about faith. Stepping out to the unknown and hoping, trusting He will not let me fall face first on the concrete.