It's been a rough and crazy last week or two.
I feel like I've hit a wall. I'm in some sort of funk. Everyone blames it on "being ready for break" - which is true, but I'm just exhausted, emotional, and unmotivated.
There are several things I could write about in this blog, but the heaviest on my heart is life six months from now. Actually, it's less than six months. I have nothing, right now. Nowhere to go. I have possibilities, but that's where it stops.
Which is the most frustrating part.
Although I don't really forsee myself working the local drive-thru after graduation, that's what is on the list right now (joking... sorta).
Forgive me for being human, but I want to know answers. I want the future to be solidified. Want, want, want, me, me, me. My prayer for the next few weeks (though this should be more of an all-the-time prayer) is that God would rid me of myself and my desires. Wanting anything other than what He wants causes heartbreak.
I looked back through my November blogs over the last two years. Two years ago, I was growing and learning, and it was painful. Last year, I was happy and thankful.
Not to say I'm unhappy or ungrateful now, because that's not true. I'm in a state of restlessness. Discontent is a frustrating emotion, because no matter how many times you tell yourself to enjoy the season you're in... your heart and your mind don't always agree.
In the words of Kari Jobe, He is faithful, constant, loving and true, and He will never forsake me in my weakness. He is patient (thankful He is, even if I'm not), gracious, merciful and true, and so wonderful in all He does.
I know when I look back a year from now, I will laugh at myself for doubting, for wasting my time worrying about all this when God knows everything, and is in control. Last year, I had no fear of the future. Somewhere along the way, I picked it up... and I wish I hadn't.
Remember earlier when I said I read through some old blogs? Sometimes I think He uses my blogs to write future notes to myself. I saw a post about Psalm 81:6, "Now I will take the load from your shoulders; I will free your hands from their heavy tasks."
He's willing to take our burdens, when we're willing to give them up.
"When I am afraid, I will trust in You." - Psalm 56:3